Don't Let The Face Pubes Define You:

This week, much like most weeks was a jumble of 50+ work week along with 30+ school week for my poor, tired, sad-exhausted-striving to survive-Jesus help this exasperated man not become a zombie skeletor -asaurus of a man.... please Jesus, keep his hair intact (did i just say that? Hair starts to thin, I'm told, when a man begins to stress too much) Ahem, please help him not totally lose his mind while trying to hold it all together....A girl can pray though right? We can pray for full heads of hair!) I digress. So here we are, knee deep into the half way mark of this semester and 14 months of school (please someone shoot me) ahead of us until his masters degree will be complete! Hallelujah! 

Last week the manager of a project that he was working on told him that because of "safety protocol" he needed to cut his extra sexy beard because if they needed to use an oxygen mask, the mask wouldn't properly suction to his face, certainly, death would come knocking on his door... the fact of the mater is that no matter what, his safety is numero ono, but srsly, he was at the mine for like two full hours-so he's gunna cut almost TWO years worth of perfectly manicured, sexalicious man-face candyness? Like, Um, who did they think they were messing with. I was bout's to call that mo' fo up and let him know whose boss. Luckily for his sake, I spared him the humiliation & embarrassment he would have felt after knowing who my hot husband was. (GQ husband of the year). What'evs. 

The point is people, THE BEARD DOESN'T DEFINE YOU! We cut it off. We cut it off and the whole while, I was in the back ground doin' the "Z" snap talking all sorts of crap about how the haters can't hold us down...Shoot.... 

I got all ghetto about it. 

I did.

But for-real'z. 

Cutting that beard off hurt.

Not in a physical way, but in an ego way.

In the moment we were all flippin' off "the man" and telling the guy's upstairs to suck our bung holes, but then when all of the nasty chin pubes were all swept up and dumped into their respective toilet bowls, we were sad. 

Sad like when a mom realizes that her honeymoon stomach is a distant memory (even if she gets back to pre prego weight, that tight ass stomach ain't what it used to be honey bear. It just ain't. Lets be real. You can't quite bounce a quarter off of those abs like you once did.... Jillian Michael's can't even help that flabby skin. Yeah, I went there.) 

Before it was all gone, he shaved it into a Hulk Kogan stash. He joked that he'd show up at work looking like the Hulkster but decided to be a gentleman about it all. I dared him to. He was much more polite about the whole situation than I might have been. He's the sweet, I'm the sour. I would have put up a fight. That's my down fall. I would have gotten fired over it like a damn idiot. Anyway. 

As we snuggled in bed that night and I stroked his smooth baby like cheek for the first time in a very long time, I realized how different he looked to me. Not different bad, but different-weird. You know? His shiny cheeks were cute though. The man could wear a paper bag with eye holes (and a big mouth hole so we could make out,) and he'd STILL look hot. His bare face made him realized how different he felt. He said he felt like he was twelve years old, but not in a good way. He felt insecure. He didn't feel like himself. He didnt' feel like a grown up. His manhood, in some form, had been stripped away. 

If you've ever not felt like yourself, especially ESPECIALLY after shooting a baby out of your cooka, raise your hand! I can completely understand where he's coming from here.

It's like when you get a bad hair cut or your first Brazilian. You think it's going to be super cute, but you end up feeling weird about it. You introduce yourself to Sheila, the cute, young girl who smiles like everything is normal and fun until you lay back and spread your shaky legs, feel that hot wax, and in that moment, you're completely vulnerable. The fate of your lady parts are in Sheila's hands. You scream and curse profanities when Sheila rips that hair off. And this is what guy's are into?! Everything looks red and all wrinkled and bald and not cute but it's supposed to be cute so you feel confused about it... then a few days later you're all itchy and uncomfortable and wonder why people pay 80$ for what you just paid 80$ for!? Yeah, it's like that.

So back to the face pubes.

Back to the after baby flab.

IT DOESN'T DEFINE YOU. Or me. Or he.

We put so much weight on the outward things-making them so important and yet the inward parts of us, are left neglected because we've made the outward more important than the inward.... If I spent as much time asking the Lord to change me and teach me as I do figuring out what outfit to wear so that another woman (don't lie ladies. We dress for each other, not for guys!) would complement me and say I looked cute, I'd be in a much happier place.

We spent the last week or so talking about who God says we are in light of what the world says makes us beautiful, sexy, handsome, smart, successful etc. My confidence does not hinge on whether I do or do not have 15ish pounds to lose or whether this person thinks I'm a good mother/photographer/friend. My confidence comes from Jesus. It comes from spending time with him. Allowing him to mold my character, build my self esteem and make me feel loved, beautiful, worthy, talented, & gifted.

Being depressed over shaving off his beard or me feeling like a fat-fatty is only a symptom of something greater going on inside. We've both been in this nasty rut lately where we feel unmotivated and uninspired, but where does this self pity, depression & apathy come from? Certainly not from God! I will add that having a new baby and sometimes little help + a husband who isn't home a lot doesn't always make me feel super inspired every day all day....

But It's amazing how quickly we convince ourselves that we're worthless or not good enough. It's incredible how easily another person's opinion can knock us down. How many times have you read a Friend's status update and felt like your life sucked in comparison to theirs? How man times have you sat on Pinterest wasting time looking at all of the yummy meals you could make or pretty clothes you could buy but don't because of this or that and then end up feeling bad about yourself in the process?

So my pledge is this: to spend more time seeking out what the Lord says about me rather than spending time caring what others think of me/being depressed/not loving ME! I will spend more time with Jesus than with Pinterest or Facebook. I'm going to decide who I want to be and BE that! After the holiday's have come and gone, I'll be pulling back a bit and figuring out what I want my photography business to look like. I've started my turbo fire (that turbo fire is no joke. It's more challenging than training for any marathon ever was. But I will get there! I will! The worst part is taking the "before" photos and writing down measurements. It's no fun.)

Oh, and Dustin is growing the face pubes out....
       What girl doesn't love a man with scruff??

Sweet Pumpkin Pies:

Conrad tasted his first pumpkin chocolate chip cookie yesterday and was quite excited about it. 

He managed to get warm-gooey chocolate all over his pj's.... good times. 

{Hope you're having a lovely fall day!} 

A Clothing Swap:

I held a clothing swap last weekend for 15+ girlfriends of mine and I. What's more fun than shopping 15+ closets?! We enjoyed champagne mimosas, fattening sweets and each other's company and everyone left with "new" duds! I can't wait to  host another swap for the spring! 

At the end of the day, we bagged up about 10 garbage bags full of clothes that will be donated to the Destiny House. 

Dustin helped wrangle the kids, set up the tables and even offered to watch the toddlers upstairs so the other Mom's could have a kid-free hour or two. What'a guy.

Amanda, Sofia & my Mom came to help me set up..... Isn't Amanda a little hottie? 

Landon wasn't interested in all of this girlie stuff.

Tracy & Kristy came and nursed their baby girls with me.
Oh, you didn't realize they were breastfeeding? Yep, they are. Who knew you could feed your  baby,
without a cover (gasp!) and STILL be totally modest about it? 

April, Aubry & Alicia came!

Drea admired a sleeping Elle. I think her baby fever is in full force! 

Sarah & Sofia hanging out in the dressing room:

Whoopie pies & brownies.

 Whitney & Randi chatting away.

 Paulina browsing:

 Madi trying on a pair of pretty flats:

(I wish I had gotten a picture of everyone that was there.)

Thank you, ladies for coming to the clothing swap. I had such a fun time with all of you! 

The Pumptin Patch:

It makes me happy that he calls them "Pumptin" patches! 

October makes me happy.

My kids make me happppppy!

Elle's cheeks are o.o.c. (out of control.) Like for realz. What is she smuggling? 

Someone give her a cavity check!!!!!

YOU THINK I'M KIDDING? Chicks got somethin' in there! 

Those cheeks! THOSE CHEEKS! 

I covet her chubbiness. I urn for it. I drink in her fat little self. 

I want to make myself a little bed in one of her fat, fluffy thigh rolls and cuddle up right in that sweet, cushy roll and take a nap. 

You heard me right. I want to take a nap in my daughters fat thigh roll! 

I do not apologize for loving the deliciousness that is her fat-sweet-baby-lardness. 

I will eat her.

I will.

srsly, I willlllll.....

Behold the sweetest pumpkin that ever lived. 

Prepare your eye balls.

She will astound you.

Those eyes. She will slay a boy or two with those eyes. 

 He kept saying, "TOOT TOOT!" while we rode. What a lil' doodle muffin. I LOVE that trains excite him. I love that every time we see a guy on a motorcycle while driving in the car he shouts, "MOTORCYCLE mom MOTORCYCLE!" I love this little boy-man-sandwich. 

 I'm too cool for this train Mom. 

 Bounce house. 

 The only picture I was able to get with the two of them together: 

Conrad's 1st experience at the patch (so tiny and cute!)

Photos of last year's pumpkin patch play date

At the patch w/ bff Remi

{Have a wonderful day. Vampire Diaries is on tonight. 

I only watch to see Caroline & Tylor make out and or potentially get it on or sort of get it on-possibly. Lets just be real.} 

She's Too Young Still To Really Appreciate "Mr. Cup-Hand Man."

The way she curls her toes in delight.

The way she looks up at her Dad as he calls her "Honey girl" and washes her squishy-fat-juicy thighs.

Her brothers laughter, which was loud enough for the neighbors to hear.

The bubble gum scented Elmo bubbles that my two year old just has to eat to know for himself that these  delicious smelling poppy things were not in fact edible.

The bubble-Santa beard on his sweet little face. 

The hubby who didn't even change out of his work clothes before he heard us in the bathroom 

and had to come join in on the fun when he got home. (love that man.) 

The sweeter-than-the-bubble-gum-scented-Elmo bubbles unprompted hug from one big bro

 to his little sis that made my heart beam with love.... 

The look of pure terror in her eyes when that big bro I mentioned

 gave her that unpromted hug I mentioned.....

She was thinking, "Surly, he will crush my body and destroy me. Surly he will squash me to pieces."

This elated Momma thinking, "Wow, this really is heaven watching the two of them grow up together."

His little nakey bum. 

AND, MR. CUP HAND MAN!!!!!!!

(One day, she'll giggle herself silly laughing-til-she pees at Mr. Cup-hand man. )

Tonight, while putting this post together, I thought to myself, 

"They'd be really blessed to have the type of relationship with each other that Vinni & I have...." 

I have THE BEST brother in the  whole wide universe. 

{What up bro. Love you!} 

Sweet Mornings Like These:

When I watch this video, I think:

1) He is the BEST brother ever. I want to bottle up his sweet 2 year old voice and keep it forever. 

2) Don't poke her eye out with your zebra's tail.....

3) Whose that hot guy in the yellow shirt?..... Mmmmmm.

4) HOLY CHINS BATMAN! That little lady's got chins for days.

{I'm kind of pooped. I hosted a clothing swap today for about 15+ friends of mine
and can't wait to share the photos of our morning together. Everyone got to take home a few really cute things! Can't wait to host another swap for spring!}

Happy Saturday!

The Truth About Ryan Gosling.

So Tuesday morning, after feeding Elle and slipping back into bed, I drifted off to sleep. I awoke moments later to my husband towering over me kissing me goodbye. Later that day I apologized for being so grumpy when he said goodbye and he asked what that was all about......the furrowed brow-squinty eyed "why'd you HAVE to wake me up!" kind of look in my eyes....

Chelsea: Ahem.... (I clear my throat.) Um, well.... I was having a dream.....Ryan was in it.....

Dustin: Oh, god. (rolls eyes) What was it about!

Me: Well. We were making out. He was talking dirty. It was pretty intense.

Dustin: (laughing) and then what happened.

Me: More dirty talk, more making out.... more dry humping.... the ush.

Dustin: Wait. Dry humping? What a waste of a dream! You had a dream about Ryan Gosling and you DRY HUMPED? Lame. (although he doesn't necessarily support my dream-land-hump-fest with my very fake, very hot, AND YET not as hot as my own living-breathing-sexalicious husband, at least it doesn't hurt his ego that I, ahem, dry humped Ryan Gosling in my dream....) I digress.

Me: Well, I'll never know what would have happened now will I?

Dustin:  You've got such a boner for him. You and every other woman in the world.

Side Note: I fully support his celeb-crush on Natalie Portman. Just so you know.

A few weeks back, we went to see the movie Drive (and the week before that it was Crazy Stupid Love, and next week we plan on seeing Ides of March.....But not because of Ryan, but because these movies have gotten such great reviews....) We ended up sitting next to a really funny, animated, black couple who quickly befriended us (after the movie, we practically walked all the way to our cars talking and laughing. We should have gotten their number.) The husband was (annoying like me) when it comes to movies. He kept offering up his commentary every few minutes (I'm sorry. It's true. Ask anyone whose gone with me to a movie... I just don't shut up.) Every time someone got shot he'd shout, "Aw, DAYUM! Didn't see that one coming." So anyway, there's a part in the movie where the actors have a really long-awkward silence and the movie is getting kind of weird. The husband sitting by us looks at the wife and goes, "You really picked a winner honey!" He was being sarcastic. And then Dustin goes, "It's not just white girls who are obsessed with Ryan Gosling....." to which she goes, "Oh, that boy is SO fine!" Agreeing with him. (Drive was both of us ladies choices for the movie.) Lucky for us, they had a sense of humor and laughed about it with us instead of giving us the stink eye or thinking we were totally racist.

Side note: I <3 black people. 

lol.

Black woman like him, white woman like him, dudes wanna be him. Seems like these days, every one's got a boner for him. So anyway. I will shamelessly admit-the guys' not terrible looking.

Go {here} if you want a good laugh.

In other news. This week has been ah-mazing. Really, it's been totally enjoyable to the max. I've been spending much more special time with Conrad doing fun things with him. We've been getting a long great and tantrums have been few. I feel like whatever cloud of gloom that we were both standing under has moved-I told the ladies at church that I feel completely delivered from the unhealthy, sinful feelings I had in my heart towards him. (Maybe Jesus will deliver me next week from my Gosling infatuation....) He has been such a big helper to me this week and I told Dustin that I feel like I'm falling in love with him again. He makes my heart feel so full. My patience, peace and grace for him is not by my own doing. I know that God imparted the ability this week, for me to be the Mother that I see in my mind-that I long to be. Thanks for your prayers and advice.

{Hope you're having a great week.}

Fighting The Good Fight

Pillow talk the night before I left for Texas:

Dustin: "I'm really going to miss you."
Chelsea: Very long pause. Still, pausing. Contemplating how to reply.... so I just smile with tears in my eyes and the aftermath of an hour of crying all over my face. I feel like I've just been jumped and round house kicked in the face by Sub-Zero in a very dark ally.

Sadly, my red face was not the result of a round house kick in the face and Sub-Zero was no where to be found. It was none other than my two year old who straight slide kicked my ass and ice blasted my soul... or so it felt. (I played too much Mortal Kombat as a kid. Thanks to my older brother.) Anyway.

He scratches my back and begins to pray. He asks for peace. He asks for supernatural strength. He asks for discernment in disciplining our child (Conrad). In my head I'm saying, Yeah God, where has YOUR peace been? Why haven't YOU given me the strength to be patient? Where has YOUR discernment been when I've felt so alone, lost and confused in this battle with my son? Where have YOU been?  


My heart is hard.
My heart is broken.
I feel like an empty shell of a woman.

Rewind to 7:00pm that night.

I'm on the phone with my Mom crying, begging her to come over and save me from this hell hole this no good, very bad day.... She jets on over with my favorite burrito in hand and takes my baby from my arms, plays with Conrad and I retreat to the shower. (love you Mom.) I LOST my shit again right as I sat down on the shower floor. I began replaying the events of our day. In my mind, I saw the struggle to gain back control from my two year old. I saw our relationship unraveling. I saw how ugly I had been. How I had yelled and begged him to obey, how I had given him whatever he wanted just to shut him up because of my overwhelming anxiety and need for SILENCE! How the resentment had been bubbling up inside of my heart (my eyes fill with tears as I type). I replayed the words, "I hate him." In my head. I had said that to myself that day (not actually meaning it. I hate his disobedience, not him.) I wanted to run away. Far, far away. I was losing him, I felt. Losing control. Losing my tenderness towards him. Losing heart. Losing my passion for parenting him in love, as the Lord would desire I do. I was no longer laying down my life for him, putting him ahead of my own desires. I was watching the clock waiting until bedtime so I could take a breath. When he'd wake up from his nap, my attitude was, "Oh god, here we go again!"

I wasn't thinking about how I would "miss" my family. I was thinking about how big of a burden my job had become. How overwhelmed I felt. How alone I felt.

There is no denying that my trip to spend time with my girlfriends was certainly a gift from God. I needed to see Morgan patiently disciplining her daughter and interacting with her. I needed to stay up late sipping wine and eating fattening pizza with Morgan chatting about life, our husbands, our sin, our hearts, Jesus & our passions. It was healing for me to get a break and not have an agenda of things to do. I found myself thoroughly enjoying reading Eliza (her 2 year old) flash cards and kissing her 4 month old (beck's) chubby belly. It rejuvenated me and blessed me greatly. I NEEDED that sweet time of rocking my baby on Morgans porch, nursing her and watching her chickens playing out in her yard.

When I met Dustin and Conrad at baggage claim I had tears in my eyes. I was so happy to see them. When I got home, the fridge was full, he had flowers on the table for me, laundry was done, & he has written me a letter expressing his gratitude for the job that I do everyday, taking care of the house and the kiddos. I felt appreciated. He got a taste of how hard it can be and he appreciated me.

This week though, Conrad and I began to battle again. Every hour was a new set of tantrums, giving him "choices", putting his butt in time out, threatening spanks and feeling, AGAIN like my relationship with him was slipping out of my fingers. It felt like I was negotiating with a terrorist. I had no control of him. He is a savage whose only goal in life is to make MY life utterly impossible. If I tell him that the apple is red, he'll argue that the apple is blue-and then cock his tiny arm back and launch the "blue" apple right at my very engorged right breast-engorged because I can't feed my daughter with out his little naughty butt coming over and trying to sit on her head in an attempt to squash it like a watermelon (the image of Gallagher smashing watermelons comes to mind. Lord, have mercy!) Everyday seemed like a battle.

I went away to get a break and regroup but now I'm back to zero. I'm having MORE anxiety than I had the day that I left for my trip. Somethings got to give.

Wednesday rolled around and it was 9:15. My woman's bible study/worship service (Real Woman) starts at 10:00 and we were no where to being close to ready. We jump in the car, I've hardly got a stitch of make up on and my hair is pulled into a greasy pony. Elle is still in her nighty, but whatever, we're going! I just SO needed to be around these woman and get some encouragement. I was feeling totally broken down.

The worship music was good to hear and the message was amazing. During our tables discussion time, one of the ladies looked at me and commented on how quiet I was and how I usually don't SHUT UP! I've always got something to contribute to the conversation. Immediately, I told the ladies that I needed to confess my heart to them. The tears began to stream down my cheeks and I began to talk about how hard my relationship with Conrad has been. How I feel like I've failed as a mother. How defeated I feel. Going into Real Woman that morning, I hadn't intended to pour out all of this garbage into their laps, but boy, was it necessary.

Desi let me speak my mind for a few moments and then began to pray. She prayed with such authority and her words were SO completely healing for me to hear. She asked for the Lord to heal anything broken in my relationship with Conrad, asked for Him to give me ways to strategies when it comes to disciplining him, asked for peace asked that the rebellious heart in him would dissolve and that he would become plyable-teachable-obedient. She prayed that he'd have a cheerful heart when it came to taking orders from me and that my resentment and unforgiveness of him would dissipate. The ladies all gave me their nuggets of wisdom & it felt freeing to confess to them how strongly I "dislike" him sometimes and that he's become more of a burden than a blessing to me-how badly It hurts my heart that I feel this way. They each had stories to share of situations where they had fallen short of the mothers that they wanted to be but that God takes those situations-teaches us and redeems us back to Himself and that out of the overflow of my relationship with Him, I can be the mother that he's purposed me to be.

Desi's advice: This too shall pass. 

We drove home, had lunch, read books and I put him in bed. When he woke up from his nap, I was actually excited to see him for the first time in months (it's shameful to even admit that.) We played, I had patience with him and when he had a time out later in the day, I actually had a break through with him. He responded to it with a "sorry" heart. He climbed up on the couch as I nursed Elle and I put one leg out so he could straddle it and put his arms around my neck and cuddle. His snuggles were like salve on an open wound. We were actually "connecting" and not butting heads with each other.

I realized that I had to forgive him in my heart for the days/weeks/months of disobeying. The grudges I was keeping. The resentfulness i had towards him. I felt like the Lord was melting it all off of me. My shoulders felt light again. The joy was being poured back into me. I need to praise God even in the storms, in the bad days, in the struggles. He is still good, even when my circumstances-or child is not. I need to love Conrad through the growing pains.

Today we took our time at the park and didn't rush ourselves, watching the clock, waiting for nap time. We collected leaves & flowers and made several trips back and forth from the grassy field to the puddle of water and watched all of his treasures float on top of the surface of the puddle on the side walk at the park.

It was bliss.

I'm once again reminded how good and faithful God is in restoring and breathing life back into relationships that are broken or bruised.

Relationships take work. Even my relationship with my son. But through it all, I will continue to fight the good fight, knowing that My God is working on me and won't leave me in this "ugly" state. He is beautifying me through those shameful moments of confessing to girlfriends my weaknesses and pulling me closer to him through the pain and confusing days of parenting .

"Come Check Out This Dimply Butt!"

As Dustin was getting Elle undressed for her evening shower with me, he shouted for me to grab my camera and get a shot of that lil' baby boo-tay. Dimples! Sweet, yummy, make you want to go "Awwwww!!!!" and squish her cheeks-dimples! So while I was at it, I got a few shots of the two of them together. Her expression in a few of these is like, "Mom, do you mind? I'm having a moment with Dada....!" 

This last one is precious to me. 

I love that Dust is looking at himself in the mirror. 

Yes, honey. "Daddy" looks good on you. 

And Elle's dribble is oh-to-cute to boot. 

{Soaking up these sweet moments.}

Putting On His Big Boy Pants.

{The husband agreed to let me snap a few photos, as long as I was discrete and didn't have the camera in the lil' mans face making him feel pressure to tinkle.}

He made great progress this weekend folks! I got a text from my hubby letting me know that Conrad had peed in his big boy pants {SEVEN} times in one hour, but that he was staying strong! The little dude didn't actually tinkle in the potty, yet, BUT he sure let us sit him on the throne, which a few weeks ago brought him much fear and anxiety. I'm glad he's feeling better about it. 

{Dustin turned on the water so it might help him go..... for some reason, that makes me smile.}