This is when you know

..... you might be experiencing sleep deprivation:

1. You wipe your eye with the same hand you've just eaten  half a bag of spicy lime Cheetos. (Cheetos are part of my "lose the baby weight diet", trust me.)

2. You fall asleep in the car when someone else drives

3. You spend the last 5 minutes of your shower trying to remember if you've applied conditioner to your hair or not

4. You doze off to sleep while pumping and wake to a crazy looking cow utter- boob

5. You mumble things in your sleep as  your husband is leaving for work

      I'm tired y'all. I go back to work in 2 weeks, and I'm trying to figure out how in the world I'm going to wake up at 5 am after being asleep all night for 1-2 hour sleeping increments (usually 9,11,1,3, & 5 o'clock and so forth through out the day is when Conrad wakes up in a hungry rage demanding food). Conrad DID sleep for 4 hours the other night to my amazement....But how will I get up in the morning after no rest, feed the baby, take a shower, look presentable, grab my lunch, my purse, his baby bag, and get out of the house and on my way to his day care in time to drive to work and beat the time clock..... The thought of what life is going to look like in 2 weeks leaves me a little terrified to be honest. I'm certainly not looking forward to leaving him at a day care 9 hours a day, and I'm certainly not looking forward to pumping in the bathroom every two hours at work, and I'm certainly not looking forward to possibly missing out on milestones (let me stop before i lose my mind). 

Today was rough. I intended to brave the day care tour on my own like a big girl, but took advantage of the moral support that was offered, & my mother in law came along for the pathetic blubbering mess that I became as I tried to ask questions and be strong. The babies  at the day care were happy, each playing or sleeping in their cribs, the teachers had worked together for 5 years, they were sweet, and they even talked about how tough it is for them as babies move up to the next class as they've become attached to them....they love the babies as I loved Benny, and Chloe who I cared for, and cried when I stopped caring for them. I know what it's like to love a baby that isn't your own...So I'm glad they're sympathetic to what I'm going through as a new mom. 

Anyway. If you remember me when you're saying  your prayers, pray that this gets easier. The Robbins house has been a bit stressful lately with Dustin's huge test that decides whether he gets his degree, us moving and trying to get our new condo ready to be moved into, packing with a baby is impossible, living on one income, trying to have energy to get through the day etc....and Dustin has finals next week! When does it ever slow down?? Someone please invent a stop watch so I can stop the madness! 

If only I were single....sigh

"I'll keep you in the bedroom so long they'll put your face on the back of a milk carton...."

Lady bugs aren't red, they're orange

experimenting with my Dad's totally awesome new lens

Shake that depression away!

In my first trimester, I struggled with depression quite a bit. I cried daily at work, at home, before bed, ALL the time . I was sad for no reason at all. Of course I was scared about this new life change, about what it would do to my marriage, and my body felt bombarded with the new changes that pregnancy brings about. I was fighting it. Fighting the changes, struggling with them, having daily boxing matches with them, cussing at them and not feeling like myself at all.

Not only was I "sad" but I was having fits of rage as well. I would find every little thing to nit pick about my co-workers, my family, and my friends. I distanced myself because this rage brought out of me courage to speak my mind and I had little reservations of others feelings. I thought that the check out lady was checking my groceries too slowly, so I'd let her know. I thought our waiter wasn't giving us antiquate service, so she would also be given a piece of my mind as well...I cussed out my boss and almost lost my job, luckily he felt sorry for me and agreed to keep me, as long as I didn't lose my mind again! I wasn't taking crap from anyone, and everyone owed me something...I didn't want to be a door mat. I experienced a heightened awareness of bad drivers on the road, and let them know it too.

My mind was far away in a distant pregnancy land and I was living in a foggy cloud of hormones, fighting my way through my bad attitudes and negativity. I isolated myself because had I been around people, I would have torn them a new ass. My family knew all too well what a major bitch I was and didn't like it at all. I felt very alone. It was rough.

At each doctors appointment, before the doctor could even come in and say "good morning!" I was sitting hunched over with my head in my hands, drool dribbling down my chin, red eyed in tears, and not able to explain exactly what was ailing me.

I shared my struggles with a few of my friends and family and the most common response to my depression was:

"This is the happiest time in your life, what do you have to be sad about?! Don't you WANT this baby???"

It wasn't about me not being ready, or happy, or wanting my baby, It was about my body not handling the hormonal changes. It was something I felt I didn't have control over.

So my doctor decided I needed, desperately needed to go on Prozac. She said that the baby would be fine and she wanted me to go on it right away! I went home, prayed about it, talked to Dustin about it, and decided that I wanted to take a more natural approach to my chemical imbalance, if that was even what I was experiencing. Each appointment, I kept telling her I needed more time to think about it...but her idea was, If I'm this bad now, she didn't want to see what I would be like after the baby once the dramatic hormone changes happened again.

The struggle continued until about half way through my 2ND trimester. I started to perk up. I had more energy. I stopped throwing up 5 times or more a day. My awful migraines stopped. I was resting a little easier and life was looking clearer.

I was utterly convinced that after Conrad was born, I would be on an anti-depressant for a while until my body readjusted and I felt more like myself. I also wanted to be a good wife and mother and If i was still stuck down in my pit of despair, how would I tend to my baby and experience the joys of motherhood to the fullest? I felt like it would be safe to take the drug for just a few months and be open to it.

After he was born though, I only experienced one fit of sadness. Our friends were coming over to bring us food and I didn't know they were coming. The baby had just gone down for a nap so I was trying to steal a few precious minutes of sleep before all hell broke loose again. Dustin called me to let me know they were on their way, and just as I hung up the phone, my heart dropped. I got all hot and sweaty, my heart started racing, and I was scrambling to find clothes that I felt comfortable in, and get my hair combed. I wasn't ready to face the world. A wave of anxiety was rushing over me, I was shaking and nervous. This was the first time I was seeing my friends again since the baby was born, and not only that, but Conrad had to wear a harness that I was uncomfortable with him wearing in public because I felt like he would be made fun of, or people would be uncomfortable holding my sweet little baby (which people were). When they got there, I cried. I was exhausted, and shaken up. At this point, I felt like it was time to consider the help of medicine to balance me out....

Days passed, I was enjoying my baby and he was eating well, we weren't struggling with breast feeding any longer, my husband was adjusting well to going back to work, my family was helping us with groceries and coming over to help us. The days weren't looking so grim. I felt like myself again. My body was shrinking and I felt excited for each new challenge to come.

I write this because I felt like a failure to be considering medicine to deal with my depression. I felt like I should pray harder about it, or just tough it out. But that wasn't the case. It was out of my control, and although I never took Prozac, I shouldn't have felt guilty for weighing my options. Moms have enough pressure as it is and it can be overwhelming to alter your life to fit another person in it and still juggle your marriage and time for yourself. It's OK to use medicine and mothers shouldn't be so hard on themselves for it if they do.

That's all I have to say about that. Now lets see what Chris Crocker has to say about Depression....I warn you, he's hilarious. Thanks Ashley!

November 16, 2003

One of my favorite things to do with Dustin is reminisce about when we first dated. I like to ask him to retell me the whole story of the night we met, what I was wearing, what we talked about, how we bonded over Elliot Smith and how I expressed to my friends (in a half drunken, giggly school girl kind of way) , my deep desire for my  kids to look just like him (totally not creepy at all for a girl who you barely know to tell all of her friends that she wants to have your babies...) ! I always ask him to tell me exactly what was going through his head when I planted a hot kiss on him unexpectedly in a room full of people because he was so delicious looking...(What a hoe-bag right??) I thought he looked just like John Meyer with his dark, curly, long hair sitting in the corner of the room playing his guitar, not caring who was listening, In his own little world (Or maybe he was just too shy to make eye contact with anyone, let alone the short girl with greasy hair pulled back in a bun, wearing sweats and no make up, talking loudly-annoying everyone. The girl whose Mom had to push her out of the front door insisting she go to the party so she might stop spending the  weekends at home like a hobbit and not be a depressed bump on a log- THANKS MOM!!) I can't help but make fun of him for asking me if i wanted to go "listen to music" in his truck. He was so trying to get me to go make out with him...which I so did, because I have so much class and all... I must not have looked that bad after all. I love to look at pictures of us when we first dated and what we were wearing...I like to think back to when we were both 18 & 19 and had no idea that we were about to fall madly in love.

I like that even back then, I saw something in him, and he saw something in me (under the dark cloud of me being so manic-depressive) that made him want to take me on dates, and stay up late watching movies and hold my hand walking through my neighborhood. 

At the time that we met, I was in no position to fall in love. I was transitioning through childhood to adulthood. It was rough. I needed a friend, not a boyfriend. I needed compassion and I needed him to tell me he wasn't going to give up on me or leave. I needed him to not want to have sex and make me feel like garbage, and he didn't. I wanted butterflies, I wanted love, I wanted something simple and complicated but not compromising. 

I was dealing with situations too big for my brain to comprehend. My Dad had just survived a brain aneurysm, I had a sibling who ended her life intentionally, and the closest person to my heart was dealing with an addiction and struggling to hold onto life and hold the family together. (I think the most difficult thing I've ever endured was watching my Mother hit rock bottom, and the most proud I've ever been was to watch her rise to the top and conquer life! I praise God for her life and her story many times. She is a true hero in my eyes. I wouldn't be me without her.) So this was the train wreck Dustin entered into....But he stuck with me and walked through many hard nights with me. 

He read me the bible over the phone countless times when I didn't have the strength to open the bible, or the faith to. He held my hand while I drifted off to sleep many nights while my face was still wet, mourning this life I was living...he held my hand and slept on my bedroom floor as I slept in my bed. He was so loyal. He was the best friend I ever had. He is responsible for pulling me close to Christ, and I am responsible for showing him who Jesus was in mybrokenness. He wasn't able to resist this God who he witnessed mending me back together. It was too evident, too real for him to question and he gave his life to the Lord. It was the perfect beginning to a life together that we didn't even see coming. 

I'm so glad I had it my way, and got to have his babies! 

More to come...

Life before baby:

We were a bunch of retards with too much time on our hands...

Now, the days wiz by with this little one to care for. This little one who I'm falling head over heels for daily...my little prince.

We know you're so much more interesting than your parents, but you don't have to rub it in our faces....

Fav. pics of the week

I nibble those delicious cheeks and lips daily! 

Dustin says he looks like a terrorist wrapped up like this...dare I say....

Osama Bin Robbins?? 

Yet another dinosaur onesie! 

Sleepy face

Diaper changes are his fav. 

a road map of love

When I talk to my pregnant friends, or other mommies, they tend to ask questions like: 

"Did you get stretch marks??" 

to which, I say,

 "Yeah, I got a few~" (More like..."Holy crap, I look crazy- they're horrible looking- I hate them, and I'll probably never wear a two piece again! let me go hide in a cave and smash my face in with a rock!") 

and then my pregnant friend says:

"I got lucky, I don't have any at all...thank God!"

 To which, I feel even more ugly and ashamed about my stupid road map of stretch marks! 

US WOMAN ARE SO STUPID Y'ALL. 

Why do I trouble my pretty little heart with all of these idiotic worldly thoughts¿? 

Why do I break down in my closet with my Mom as I rip my clothes off of the hangers convinced I'll never slip them over my size 6 hips, and my blubbery tummy? 

I've said it before, and I'll stay it again....society is harsh on a pregnant woman's body- On ANY woman's body. We are so hard on ourselves. We are so unrealistic. 

I was 4 months pregnant at a very adorably (expensive) baby boutique with my husband when I was asked by the sales lady if i were having twins! 

$#@!$%%^ "I did have twins, expensive boutique lady, but one twin was just as hungry as his Mama, and ate the other twin, so now I only have 1 baby!" This is when I put down the $40 onsie I was carrying around, having no intentions on buying, and removed myself before climbing over the sales counter and ringing her adorable little neck! 

I've had customers at work, people at church, strangers, and whoever else who felt it necessary to comment on my weight give me their two cents....and it hurts. It's painful to be judged when I have literally no control of being very short and putting on more weight then I should have- So sue me! I guess I was asking for it gaining 43 lbs! 

MY intention of writing this post is not to rant (although it sure felt good) My intention is to tell the world to give it a rest. Don't give a pregnant woman your judgemental two cents when you see her waddling around uncomfortably imprisoned to her body, she probably feels like shit, and has stretch marks that make her cry when she gets out of the shower, she probably has acne, and cellulite, and corns on her toes from swollen feet hands and her face is probably fat, she probably has to wear moo-moo-esk type of clothing because nothing in her closet fits! 

So when you see a pregnant woman, TELL HER SHES RAVISHING, BEAUTIFUL, GLOWING, TELL HER HER OUTFIT IS GORGEOUS AND THAT HER HAIR IS SHINY AND SHE'S NEVER LOOKED MORE AMAZING. 

Lie through your teeth if you have to! Please lie actually! It will mean the world to her.

I was at Duncan Doughnuts in my 8Th month and a woman with a 2 year old daughter with blond curls was eating her doughnut with chocolate all over her face, and I told the lady how cute her daughter was, and THEN told her I was expecting. She looked shocked and said she had never seen a more beautiful pregnant woman....I felt like a million bucks when she said that. It made my day- my month. 

The truth is that it's only been 4 weeks since Conrad has been born. In the first 2 weeks post-pardum, I lost 22 lbs. Does that sound crazy to you?? I think so. But still, It's upsetting that I'll never look like I did before the baby. And I told Dustin last night "This isn't the body you married, you didn't sign up for this!" and he said "I didn't marry your body, I married you! I honestly could give two shits because you have pressure enough....give yourself time!" If he had it his way, I'd keep this extra 15 lbs. of sexy-curviness on because he thinks it's hot.... 

Can I get an amen! Can I get a witness y'all! 

So the moral of the story is....I wouldn't trade my stretch marks for anything if it means I get to have a rock star of a son. Tell pregnant woman that they're stunning, and pregnant or not, Love your body! 

He has forever left a tattoo on my body (as Vicki would say), his scars to say "I'm here", he has left his mark! And I'm going to embrace it! 

visit www.theshapeofamother.com   to read other woman's stories of how they deal with the changes of a mothers body! 

I think

I see a smile!!! 

Or maybe he's just droppin' a load. 

(I think he just really likes how he looks in his horsey outfit from his Nana.)

No Mom Hair here

Every time someone has a baby, they seem to chop their hair off. Maybe it's because they're sick of their babies death grip, pulling out adorable- baby- sized chunks of hair, or they're sick of wearing buns and pony tails, or that shorter hair is easier to manage! (I can barely get out of the house these days without forgetting to put on deodorant. He's my priority. Making sure he doesn't look like a train wreck with eye boogies, and poopies, and dirty shirts, and milk mustaches! I don't have a lot of time to dry and straighten my hair...)

But I've always wanted to go short- So this might just be the perfect time. But I have a few concerns. I have a round face and I have a few more "LB'S" to shed, so short hair might just make me look even more round. 

Then theres the ugly stage of growing hair back out that I always hated when I was growing my hair long. And I hate the shock of doing something drastic with my hair. I don't want to cry in the hairdressers chair- especially because she's a good friend of mine. I flipped out when she cut bangs...and now i LOVE them. So.....yeah. Hair is a big deal.

My hair girl told me NO when I wanted to go short earlier this year. She said think about it, and the next time she'd do it. She said that once all of the Victoria Secret models start wearing their hair short, then she'll cut my hair off....she said long hair is "in"?? Whatevs. 

Also, I think long hair is pretty sexalicious, and theres tons you can do with it- But Dustin has been telling me to go for it for like, years now, so maybe a short spunky hair style will be fun for summer??!

Here are a few ideas. Tell me what you think. 

And if I had the balls, I'd cut my hair like this: because Natalie Portman has to be the hottest woman on the planet. 

Arg! I don't know! I'm torn between two worlds of long vs. short! We'll see. Maybe If i don't go short, i can go buy some sexy short wigs or something fun. 

Strapped On

(This is what no sleep looks like y'all. Don't be jealous.)

Yesterday Conrad became a man. He got his wee wee skin cut off. I didn't cry...until the nurse brought him back to me crying... and then I lost it! 

The whole afternoon he refused to nap in his crib. All he wanted to do was cuddle. 

That night after each  feeding, he refused to be placed back in his crib as well, to sleep. So we cuddled, and I got NO SLEEP!

 He preferred to sleep on Daddy's chest, or Mommy's chest on the couch all night after each feeding. And both of us got ZERO sleep! I'm repeating myself, again, we got NO SLEEP! 

I'm pretty against the whole "pile the entire family in the bed and lets all have a slumber party"! From day 1 we said that Conrad WILL NOT sleep with us, EVER under any circumstance! UNLESS HE HAS JUST GOTTEN CIRCUMCISED. (I can just imagine waking up in a pool of little kid pee when he's 3! Not going to happen! NO CO-SLEEPING FOR US!) So we compromised and slept on the couch together, and that was fine with me. 

My Mother in law come over to watch the spawn for me so I could get a few precious hours of sleep today- I was pretty desperate for a nap! I would have sold my right arm for a nap. I was just about to post an add on Craigs List with a picture of my arm and then my Mother in law called. Thank God. 

Dustin's co-worker told him he looked like death today, so when he came home, he went straight to bed. 

If I were a little baby who had just had my junk sliced off, I would have felt pretty crappy too and needed lots of cuddles to get me through the night- so I don't blame the Lil' dude. 

The only good thing about his circumcision was that the doc said Conrad was packin'. She said she usually doesn't have to use the large pee-pee clamper but she did for him. It made me laugh- but I'm sure all baby wieners are the same. She was probably just trying to make me feel better because I was crying. 

He's going to KILL me when he's older for talking about his equipment on my blog. 

(Happy as can be strapped onto Mom)

Hip Dysplasia:

Conrad napping on Mama's bed in his harness, as comfortable as can be!

I've been meaning to blog about this topic, but hadn't had time between pumping, wiping dirty butt cheeks, kissing adorable fat little lips, and wishing for more hours in the day to take naps! 

Ever since my 6th month of pregnancy, Dustin & I started hearing a popping, or clicking sound coming from my belly throughout the day. So along with my list of other concerns every doctors appointment was my concern of the popping sound I was hearing. I asked my doctor if I should be worried about this sound, and she said it was the baby swishing around in my amniotic fluid that was making the sound of knuckles popping....

I didn't quite buy that explanation

So the day after Conrad was born, I asked the pediatrician about this sound, and he wiggled Conrad's legs around, and sure enough he said our baby had Hip Dysplasia which basically means that his hips pop in and out of the sockets. Which was exactly what Dustin & I had been hearing for months while the baby was in my womb.

At Conrad's first pediatrician appointment, we were referred to an orthopedic surgeon who then diagnosed Conrad with Hip Dysplasia, but wanted to have an ultrasound done to confirm his diagnosis. And in the meantime, he fitted Conrad in a hip harness to keep his legs bent like a frog so that he would not have the ability to move them in such a way as to pop them in and out of the sockets. 

At first, this diagnosis was heart breaking to me. I cried in the waiting room of the orthopedic surgeons office seeing all of these other children in wheel chairs, and with canes who could not sit properly in a chair because of bone deformities etc. I cried seeing my cold naked son being fitted in this crazy, velcro contraption and the tighter the doctor made his harness, the more he cried, and i cried, and my Mom cried....and then Dustin cried when I told him Conrad had to wear it....

You just don't want ANYTHING to be wrong with your baby. 

You want your baby to be like all of the other babies, and you don't want to have to explain to everyone and their mother what the heck your baby is wearing every time you go into Trader Joe's! And you certainly don't want other parents to pity you. 

When we stepped back and realized what the purpose of this harness was, and stopped being vain or insecure about our son wearing it, we had peace. 

The drawbacks are: it's hard to diaper him, I can't dress him in his cute new born outfits, can't wear pants! He has to wear it for 23 hours a day for 6-8 weeks, and it's annoying to us!

The perks are: his hips won't pop out of the sockets and cause him discomfort anymore, he has worn it since he was 4 days old and doesn't know anything different, he doesn't seem to mind it at all, and he looks cute as hell in it actually...he looks like a paratrooper, like he's about to jump out of a plane! 

So whatever, it's not so bad. It's not like he's terminally ill or something. It's a harness for

 God sake. Who cares!

We went last week to get an ultrasound done of his hip, and the ultrasound guy said that he only sees loose ligaments and he doesn't see Hip Dysplasia AT ALL! He said that babies with loose ligaments are extremely common, but not all babies have to be treated for it. He said that Conrad's hips looked normal and that he would walk just fine, and play sports just fine. There were no deformities in his bones! In the parking lot I joyfully thanked God and cried. My fears were relieved. 

These last 3 weeks have grown me in my faith and grown me as a wife exponentially. I feel like a new soul, a new person, i feel changed. I feel like when I hear him cry at night, I'm not burdened to get up and take care of his needs. I feel like I've fallen in love with my husband all over again, in a different way. Seeing him as a Dad is such a turn-on. It melts my heart to watch him give Conrad baths, or fall asleep feeding him while I pump milk in the middle of the night....

It's cool to see how God uses silly things like "Hip Dysplasia" to draw us to Himself and how a new baby in the house has made me so needy as a parent for God to care for me and show me how to be a mom, as I care for this new life. 

Great Sunday:

Auntie Chase & Grandpa Larry love Conrad

America's Next Top Model winner pictured above

Conrad & Mom

Great church service

Happy baby

Awesome Easter food with

Awesome family

Going to Espresso for tiramisu and cappuccino with 

husband, Grandpa Larry & Auntie Chase 

equals an AWESOME Sunday! 

equals feeling really blessed to live this life! 

Thank You Jesus! 

Conrad's socks compared to Daddy's socks = Hilarious 

One of the Greatest Inventions ever:

Is the baby sling

Conrad makes this face:

 and shows you what a piercing cry sounds like when you want to vacuum, and he wants to cuddle.....So we get to cuddle (hands free) and  my house stays livable because I can unload the dishwasher and fold laundry!

Thank God for the baby sling. I would never get anything done! 

Happy Easter

As we reflected on what Easter means to us last night in the car on our way to get Conrad's picture taken with Mr. Easter bunny/ man in Easter bunny costume, we talked about how we were raised and how our parents celebrated this holiday. My family always celebrated by enjoying my Dad's famous glazed ham, and getting silly gifts that were always fun to receive as a kid, or dying eggs, or my very favorite Easter memory, my Dad's scavenger hunt. Every year, he and my Mom write out riddles that lead us to various places in my parents house where eggs are hidden. I think now that we're all adults, this tradition is more fun for my parents than it is for us. I think they think it's funny to try to stump us, and watch grown adults run around the house looking for plastic eggs. 

These holidays that we celebrate mean more than presents, food, family get togethers, and my cute baby posing with the Easter Bunny in his cute bunny ears hat?!! 

(As you can see, Conrad wasn't too impressed with the Easter Bunny as he made sure to sleep through the whole ordeal. )

My parents were "catholic" when I was growing up, but didn't raise me to know who Jesus is, now they will raise their grandson to worship Jesus because of their great love of the Lord....

But we never celebrated what it meant that Jesus died for us to reconcile us to God, or that he proved Himself in resurrecting after he was killed. We never celebrated the huge-ness of what Jesus did coming into the world in human form to be like us, and then suffering for us so that we would never have to walk this world alone... that He paid for our sin when we should have paid for it ourselves by spending eternity separated from God, but we don't have to. 

Thank God for that! 

There are so many things that I think of when I realize all of the reasons why Jesus died for me. Why He chose me, why He loves me. It's the most beautiful, romantic story I could ever imagine. And I can't wait to live out my love of God for my son. 

Today is Good Friday

This weekend is Easter 

http://mattandryan.wordpress.com   Go check out their most recent post. 

Happy Good Friday

Happy Easter 

I Love you

Jesus Loves you more

-Chelsea

Someone call the ambulance

My heart is about to explode...

Boobies!

Probably the thing I was most excited to experience when I was pregnant, was breast feeding believe it or not. I knew that come hell or high water, I was going to do it no matter how hard it was or how much work it took. I wanted the experience of feeding my baby and seeing his satisfaction after eating. I wanted to bond with him in that way.

Just like with pregnancy, no one tells you the sucky parts, they tell you how beautiful and blissful it is, which, most of the time it isn't. 

And with breast feeding, no one tells you that your nipple will pretty much completely scab up and fall off leaving your ninny raw. No one tells you that your baby will bite you in the boob and claw you in the chest with his nails when he's really hungry, no one tells you that you're going to look crazy pumping one booby while eating a bowl of oat meal, and soaking the other booby in a casserole dish of hot water on your coffee table because you're so engorged that one booby is a C-cup and the other is a double D cup! No one tells you that no matter where you are, when your baby is hungry, he will scream and you had better whip that boob out no matter if the doctor is in the room and you don't have anything to cover him up, when he wants milk he doesn't care where you are or whose around!! No one tells you about Mastitis, or clogged milk ducts! 

Breast feeding is hard. I have had a lactation specialist in my home to help me 3 times now to figure out how to get him to eat a full meal with out falling asleep because he's a lazy little baby, or because one nip is bigger than the other, and I can't get him to latch on and I'm so engorged that I'm in tears and have already taken 12 hot showers and massaged my jugs until my fingers almost fall off!  

We've found that pumping and feeding with a bottle at night works best for us so we know exactly how much he's eating and he'll sleep 4 hours straight. He breast feeds throughout the day on the boob. 

We tried giving him a binky and sometimes he takes it, but more than anything it just frustrates him because he thinks he's getting milk and milk doesn't come out of binky's. The lactation specialist told me to give him my nippy when he needs to pacify if i can because that will satisfy him more than a binky. 

I've learned that you can't give up, that after 12 days of frustration and pain, babies are usually acclimated to the boob, and it's worth it even if it hurts like hell. I've learned that there are antibodies in breast milk that can't be manufactured in formula, so as long as milk flows, we will breast feed. I've learned that pacifiers confuse my son and don't make my life easier. He likes the warm squishy-ness of the boob. I've learned that my whole days are centered around milk production and feeding. I feel like a prisoner to my milk. I have to make sure that I pump ever 2 hours, that I drink more water than I drank while I was pregnant, I have to consume lots of good calories, and if I go a night without pumping or offering the booby, I will be so engorged and miserable the next day. My life is all about milk! 

I've learned that breast feeding is better than any diet pill! Praise the Lord, I was 158 lbs. of fat preg-nastiness when I delivered, and now, I'm 136 lbs. after 2 weeks of being a slave to breast feeding and pumping, and I haven't stepped foot on a treadmill! 

But it is no lie, it sucks. It's hard and you have to be committed to it. But after 12 days, you will no longer have feeling at all and it will be wonderful and your baby will nurse for hours and then after a few months (I'm told) your boobs will look like a couple of pancakes!!  

Woot woot for flat, saggy, pancake boobs! 

Kidding. I'm not looking foreword to that part, but it's a sacrifice to give my son the best and I'm all for giving him the best!

My Birthing Story

Conrad was supposed to be born on April 1st 2009, but came 10 days early on March 22, 2009.

I was at work Wednesday afternoon and experiencing pretty hard contractions that lead me to believe i was going into labor soon. So I came home and started timing contractions. They were 5 mins apart for an hour, then they would stop, then they would start up again, then they would stop. We tried EVERYTHING from going on walks, to eating pineapple, to doing what got us pregnant in the first place and nothing seemed to work to get the baby to come out. I was exhausted and frustrated so after 3 days of "Pre Labor" I got concerned that the baby wasn't moving very much, so we went to get monitored at the hospital and find out how close we actually were to having this baby. Was I dilated? Was he Ok? What was going on? 

I got monitored for an hour and was told that i wasn't leaving the hospital until i had the baby. So we went to our birthing room, got unpacked, called our parents and friends and the party began. I was dilated to 2 centimeters when we got to the hospital, and I wasn't happy at all about being induced because my chances to labor naturally were slim to none since i was going to be induced. So I began asking my friends to pray, and within an hour, I started going into REAL labor on my own without pitocin and I was dilated to 4 centimeters. Which was a huge answer to prayer. 

My doctor said that the baby needed to come soon even though i was already laboring on my own, I needed more help. My contractions needed to come quicker and harder than they were coming. So they hooked me up to pitocin which makes you have really intense contractions. 

My nurse Linda (who smelled like cigarettes and fake tanning lotion) kept pushing me to start getting my epidural, and I kept telling her no, i was going to continue bouncing on the birthing ball and walking around the room, and getting back massages through contractions from my husband and i was determined to have this baby naturally! 

After 9 hours or laboring without pain medicine, at 3 am, I couldn't handle the pain any longer. (If I wasn't on pitocin, I might have had a better chance of laboring naturally, but the baby needed to come soon before he was in more danger than he already was in.) 

(Just a side note, woman in labor aren't hot. I looked like a sweaty, greasy, nasty mess. I had no make up on, my hair wasn't cute, and I was humongous. Labor isn't glamorous or sexy at all. Your husband has to help nurses lift your fat ass up off of the hospital bed to change the pad every few hours, or if they break your water and it gets all over your husband like it got all over mine....it's not an attractive ordeal at all if you were wondering. And you only get to eat ice chips, so you sit there gnawing on ice like you haven't seen food in months and this is the last ice on earth.) 

I held onto my nurses shoulders as Dustin held my hand. I was crying, drooling, shaking and trying to breath while the epidural was inserted. The epidural made only one side of my body numb which made getting my catheter really uncomfortable since i could feel EVERYTHING and it was not fun at all. 

Around 10 am the next morning, the anesthesiologist reinserted my epidural because It didn't take very well and I was feeling really uncomfortable. Once my epidural was reinserted, my body relaxed and I quickly dilated to  10 centimeters. The nurse told me it was time to push and i was so excited and relieved that i started crying. My parents were in and out of the hospital room all night encouraging me, taking pictures and cheering me on. Once it was time to push, they went out of the room and waited. I pushed for while and my nurse realized that my cervix was bubbling and I was dilating backwards from 10 to 8 to 6 centimeters and the baby was rejecting vaginal birth. 

So at this point, my nurse went and called my doctor who was on her way to the hospital. Once my doctor came into the birthing room, she said "Ok, no more messing around, we're getting this baby out. Sorry honey, we're doing a C-Section." 

I labored for 20 hours at this point and after all that work, i was a little discouraged but really relieved that my baby was going to be in my arms within a few hours. I didn't care how he came out I just wanted him out safely. 

A massive team of nurses rushed the room each with a specific job to get me ready for surgery. The anesthesiologist made sure I couldn't feel anything and they wheeled me into the surgery room. Another nurse shaved my bush....(another side note, everyone and their mom is going to see your junk when you deliver, so have no shame, if they've seen one vagina, they've seen them all!)

Once we were in the surgery room, I tried to be calm and breathe but I was terrified to be cut open and have no control. I couldn't control my breathing and my arms were shaking from the pain medicine. Then I felt like God was telling me "This is how it was supposed to happen, I'm in control, Everything is going to be fine." So I relaxed and looked into Dustin's eyes and my doctor made the situation lighter by saying "At least you ain't gunna' get all stretched out down there!" Which made us laugh. 

Within minutes the baby was being pulled out and I heard the sweetest sound I've ever heard in my life, his first cry. I was so anticipating that sound, and once I heard it, I kept saying "Oh my God, Oh my God, that's my baby, I love him..!" The tears of joy were pouring out uncontrollable. I had no idea how wonderful that first cry would make me feel! And once he was out, Dustin rushed over with the camera and was shouting across the room "He's beautiful, He's got hair!" and the doctor was saying "Damn, look at that head, measure that head, How big is that head!? 14.5 inches!" (My doctor is black with a southern accent, so it was pretty funny hearing her say all of this) I was a little concerned that my baby was going to look crazy with that huge head, but it wasn't bad at all given that he was in the birth canal for 3 1/2 days.

They pulled the curtain down so i could watch Dustin cut the umbilical chord, and they quickly brought Conrad over to me. I had tears in my eyes when I saw him for the first time even though his head was shaped like a football, and he looked a little tore up from the vacuum that they used to help him come out easier. I kissed his little white face and told him I loved him and Dustin stayed by my side while the nurses took him to get his first bath and I got stitched up. Tears of joy were still flowing. 

 

In the recovery room I got to nurse him for the first time. He took right to my breast and I couldn't help but cry. It was the proudest moment of my life seeing my new born son. My mom & dad were there shortly with tears in their eyes as well. They kept kissing me and telling me how beautiful Conrad was, and telling me how proud they were of me. And my dad busted out his camera again to take more pictures of the first moments of our new family. 

The happiest moment of our lives.

One thing I learned about my experience of delivering my baby was that it's ok if it doesn't work out the way I wanted. I had to have my babies best interest at hand, and not my own idea of an ideal delivery was. I wanted to have that fairytale experience of having the doctor lay my brand new baby on my chest for the first time, I wanted to push and get to experience vaginal birth, I didn't want a catheter or an epidural, but it didn't work out that way, and the doctor said that some babies reject vaginal birth, and had i NOT gotten a C-Section, both of us could have potentially died. 

I thanked my doctor the next morning when she came to see how i was doing. I told her that i wouldn't have wanted it any other way and that my C-Section wasn't so bad. I didn't feel robbed of my birthing experience. I was present, I got to go through the most rewarding, and challenging thing in my whole life with the man i love and it was amazing and beautiful. 

Now our days consist of pooping, taking naps, suckling off of Mamas warm ninny, pumping milk out at 4 am and breaking hearts looking so damn adorable...Every sneeze, every movement, everything this kid does makes me smile. He can do no wrong. He is my little baby son and I love him so much. I tell Dustin that it terrifies me that I can love this baby so much. I didn't think I had the capacity to feel so much love. I feel so privileged to care for him. 

Conrad was 7lbs 3oz. when he was born, All 20 inches of perfection and 14.5 inches of football shaped head. 

Thank You Bobbie!

Our Boy

Makes life so much sweeter.

This is what we call going into a "food coma" after nursing. 

Making silly bird faces with Daddy

Kisses from Mommy as we enter the depths of our "food coma"

I am overjoyed and so much happier than I imagined I would be.