Thursday, January 13

When the foundation starts to shake

We were driving home from my woman's bible study this week and gosh, I wish I had my camera with me. I packed a sandwich for the little man knowing that he'd be losing his mind and be hungry and tired by the time it was over, so I tried to be prepared. I pick him up from the daycare, he's playing with some blocks in the corner with another kid. I'm so proud to see him interacting and not being held by an adult or crying for his mee-mee (binky. When he gets tired, he chants mee-mee to let us know.) Anyway. I put him in the car and give him his peanut butter and jelly. He's happily eating it and saying, "Mmmmmm" in between bites as we drive home. I smile. The world is perfect. My little guy is SO big now. I'm beaming with pride. I turn up the radio. Lady Gaga is on. Conrad recognizes the song and starts shouting, "GaGa-GaGa!" He kicks his legs and bobs up and down in his car seat. I laugh and look back at him in he rear view mirror.

He has successfully pulled apart his sandwich is smearing it into his skin. Awesome. I'm laughing. I mean, really it's kind of hilarious. He sees me laughing and starts laughing....and starts smashing the bread and jelly even harder into his face-AND INTO HIS EYES. His laughter turns to crying rather quickly when he realizes that the jelly is sticky and making it hard to open his eyes. I'm sure it probably stings. I'm thinking, do i pull over and clean him up or do I just gun it til we get home. I get home as fast as possible. By the time I screech to a halt, he's having a full blown fight with the sticky jelly mess on his face. He's smacking himself, yelling, "NO, NO!" over and over in protest to the self torture he's inflicted upon himself. Sad day. I'm no longer laughing or smiling either.

I'm at the point of having to count to ten and I'm taking deep breaths So I don't explode on my poor little man and tell him to "SHUT IT! SHUT IT RIGHT NOW!" Like I want to. I say nothing and listen to the screaming. I scoop him out and hurry him upstairs. The smell of the peanut butter all over his face is making me gag. I stop to throw up over the stairs while I'm holding him on my hip. Nightmare.

As I'm unlocking the door with my screaming toddler, I hear a little voice in the back of my head saying, "You're about to have TWO! You can't even handle ONE! Ha!" then after I hear that sentence, some evil cackling follows. I sigh and push the door open. "You're right evil voice. I'm doomed!" I think in agreeance. I grab his mee-mee and clean him up. I turn off the light in his room and plop down in the rocking chair. The little one is jelly free and snuggling in my arms as I rock him. He does that little sad sigh trying to catch his breath as he falls asleep-you know the one you do when you've been crying really hard? That one. So sad.

As I'm rocking him, I'm asking the holy spirit to sooth my soul and take all of my anxieties away about our growing family. (will adding more kids put stress on my marriage? Will we become just another statistic of divorce? Will we ever have time to ourselves? Can we handle raising up TWO? We're going to be SO broke...stuff like that.) As loud as could be, I hear the words, "You can do this. I created you to do this." As my baby is collapsing into my arms and taking rest in his mamma's embrace, I'm crying tears of joy as I feel God's love encouraging my insecure and broken heart. Tears fall into Conrad hair and he situates himself and snuggles closer. The room is dark, noise of the fan is calming. I'm feeling him breathe. I'm full of gratitude and in awe of how quickly the enemy of my soul can come and try to rob me of my joy, and how quickly god puts his foot down and says, ENOUGH! These thoughts are lies! You're going to rock as a mommy of two. Don't worry about today, for today has enough to worry about. I am the mighty king. I set out the path for your feet to go. Trust in me.

I will stay confident in my god and not be shaken, no matter what life throws my way or how hard the days become. I must proclaim His promises over my life and remember who he is and who he's shaping me to be, or I'll easily fall to pieces.
I've been meditating on this all day and it is bringing me so much peace.
This is what Conrad does when I ask him
"Where's Mommy's baby?!" Cute huh?

25 comments:

  1. Ohh, sweet post. Hang in there, girl-- and you are going to be a FAB mom of 2.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Awww, sorry about the rough day!! Seems like you handled it well and you are going to be a perfect mommy to your second one :)

    Such a cute pic!

    ReplyDelete
  3. i laughed so hard at the peanut butter & jelly story... smear it in your face while laughing, then suffer the consequences & start crying - TOTALLY sounds like something i would do.

    {& yes, i'm in college. shh.}

    you're going to make a fantastic mom of two!

    ReplyDelete
  4. ah man, that sucks! we all have days like this though, you're totally not alone. hang in there and i hope things are already looking up by the time you get this :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Chels that picture is SO sweet! You really are going to be such a great mommy of 2! It'll probably be hard a first but you'll adjust and then you'll be back on your feet in no time. I'm amazed by you and your patience. I feel like everyone has those insecurities too... but the difference is the fact that you have a stable foundation/relationship with Christ AND your husband. You guys are a great team. Love you!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Ok. So for the past month, Isaiah 61 has been showing up everywhere!! I think maybe the Lord is telling me something? I love how he does that! And what an awesome word to bring peace and comfort knowing who our God is.. that's the God I serve!

    ps- the throwing up as you're walking up to the house part was quite funny.. I have thrown up in some uncomfortable places and situations too

    ReplyDelete
  7. Sounds like a rough car ride that was meant to create a calming result. I only know you from your blog (which I love by the way) but to me, you sound like an amazing mother. Kids are tough and you are doing a great job :)

    And yes, that photo IS cute!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Chelsea

    Will you publish a book? I know you are busy, but your stories and experiences need to get out to the masses of young mothers doubting themselves and experienced mothers missing the crazy days. I'm sure it would be jumping off the shelves.

    You'll make a great mother of two.

    ReplyDelete
  9. This may have been my favorite blog of yours... I felt like I was reading a really good inspirational book. I'm sorry for your rough day, but the way you overcame it and your patience and outlook on life is so inspiring.
    I've been close to LOSING IT at work lately... I want to scream and yell at everyone who crosses me wrong, but after reading this I think I might be able to find some peace next time I'm going to flip out.
    You're going to be an AMAZING mother to baby #2 just like you have been to Conrad!
    Thanks Chels!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Chelsea, you've done it again. :) I've been following your blog for about a week now and I've already been inspired by you multiple times! Thank you for those sweet words of your touching experience. Our little Brooks is getting older (so quickly) and we want to have more...and thoughts often come to mind of, "can I handle it??" I mean, going from one to two is DOUBLING it. yowza. haha But as you know, our children (especially boys;) bring so much joy into our lives!! And even though it does put stress on a marriage, that stress can make the bond STRONGER. I'm so glad that you got that calming assurance from God that He knows what you're going through and He knows you can handle it. You ARE going to rock as a mother of 2 :)

    ReplyDelete
  11. PS - do you know what you're having? will you find out, or do a surprise?

    ReplyDelete
  12. WOW Chels.
    The thing that i know encouraged my heart the most was where you mentioned how the Lord spoke to your heart and said "I created you to do this." AAAHH. SO encouraging and SO REAL. I love you so much.

    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  13. I can totally relate to this! Good days bad days...we all have em. You will rock at being a mom of 2!

    ReplyDelete
  14. NO, Thank you guys! You're all so encouraging to me! Thank you thank you thank you! I know that I can have confidence in my god as I go through this next chapter of my life. He's always been my stability-why should I doubt him now? ;) You all put a smile on my face! Thank you again.

    * We're going to choose a boy name and a girl name and when the baby is born, we'll know the sex then. We're waiting until he/she is born. I figure not knowing the sex will give me motivation during labor to keep going so I can get to my surprise!

    ReplyDelete
  15. "I created you to do this." YES. I feel the same way and it gives me strength to keep going. Job title "Mom" is THE most important in the world!
    It can be overwhelming at times, but I always think about the women 100 years ago that had 5, 6, 8, 10, 12 kids and somehow survived! If they can do that, I can do 3! You will be amazed at how things just settle into place and "work" once that new little soul is part of your family. As for marriage, it just takes the effort to spend time together...and then when you have an almost 12 year old, you have a free babysitter! YAY! (Can you tell this new development in our family is much appreciated?)

    I really need to start blogging again about all the stuff Will does to wear me out lately... like lock himself in my room, climb on a chair and raid my candy stash for 20 minutes while I frantically try to get the door open or coax him to open it and every time I ask him to open the door he says "NO!" and then giggles uncontrollably. I didn't know whether to laugh or scream.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I love this post- I laughed and cried all with in a 3 minute period. You are such a good writer and everything you talk about hits home with me thats why I love your blog.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Im sorry about the challenging day. And I had to smile at the image of Conrad scolding his own face. But the kind of sympathetic smile where your bottom lip sticks out a little? And I wonder about how I will ever have other children as I am figuring out how to be a good mother to this 3 month old. Maybe I should focus on one thing at a time, eh? I had a little meltdown when I was left to watch my nephew and nieces alone with Kai. Not that anything real terrible happened, but the idea overwhelmed me. In the end I survived, and am often reminded that these things are possible through the examples of my sisters, mother, friends, etc. The fact that you have managed everything so far in your life tells me that you are well equipped for this important calling.

    ReplyDelete
  18. oh, you. you have such a way with words. you CAN do this. & you WILL do this. with such grace. for HIS glory. you're an encouragement to me. & i'm thankful for your blog. cheesy, but true ;) so there.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I don't have an intelligent comment. I just wanted to say how much I enjoy your posts. I'm so happy every time i see there's a new one from you.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Chels, I'm obsessed with you. Well not really obsessed but I just ADORE You!

    P.S this picture is soo very cute :]

    ReplyDelete
  21. Don't worry Chelsea, once you hold that little baby in your arms and see Conrad meet him/her for the first time it all falls into place. That evil voice in the back will be silenced by the amazement and love that you feel when you see your kids together.

    ReplyDelete
  22. this sounds so much like the posts i was making when i was pregnant with Willow!! chelsea, you will do FINE. yes, it's hard...yes, there will be arguments...yes, money does get tight....but God's plans are so much bigger than our own! who are we to doubt HIM?! you will be an amazing mama to two just as you are an amazing mama to one. you will be so shocked at how big your heart will grow when that little one is born :)

    xoxo

    email me if you ever need to vent! i'm going through it right now ;)

    ReplyDelete
  23. you're such a doll. i just realized i'm over there in "blogs you love" ♥ that made my whole week! thanks lady!

    ReplyDelete