Friday, December 3


Fear. I have them. You have them. We pretend that they don't exist, these fears of ours, but they do and they torment us daily. I am ashamed of the fears I have. I wish I were strong and invincible, fearless, unshakable, and untouchable, but these fears I have make me weak. I shutter under them and they wreak havoc over my life at times. It is a cancer to my body, my fear. It will kill me. If I let it.

What is fear? How do I have victory over it?

WHY do I live with it and allow it space in my brain? <--- Click those words right there & watch video.

Why do I sleep with such ease when my husband is home in bed next to me, but the few days that he's out in another state working, I sleep with the lights on? Why do I tell him to, "Text me when you get to work. Drive safe! I love you!" when he leaves in the morning...

What has forced me to perform rituals of goodbyes and "drive safes" and that tiny voice in the back of my head that says, "if you don't say you love him, you'll regret it when he's gone when you try to remember the last thing you ever said to him." Lie. The last thing I ever said to my sister was me reprimanding her for taking advantage of my parents and not paying for her own drinks or food OR rent OR getting her life together before she ended it herself. That's what I remember the most. How pissed I was at her for scattering her life and spreading it out so thin into tiny itty bitty pieces that ended up leaving us all with glass splinters, embedded so deep, that never worked themselves out. Always leaving an impossible-to-heal impression in our hearts. It would be a shame if the last words I'd say to those I love were words of love, smeared in disappointment. I am disappointed in her will to survive this life. I am utterly disappointed and disgraced at her for not doing her best to make the best out of it all. (If you are thinking of killing yourself, I really encourage you to reconsider that there will be seasons of life where life sucks, and seasons where life is awesome. Do us all a favor and wait for the better seasons to come before you get all crazy and start learning to tie nooses. I'm serious.

I am fearful that I will have to do math in front of others (simple math y'all) and look like a total idiot. I had dyslexia when I was a kid, i still do, and was not the brightest kid on the block growing up.... I am afraid of math. I I can't multiply, I can't divide, I hate that I may not be able to help Conrad do his homework. I have lost jobs over this fear. Meaning, I worked at a bank, with Dyslexia and got fired folks. When you read numbers backwards, you shouldn't be a bank teller.

I'm afraid of my son having learning disabilities because I had one, and because of his fear, I beat myself up if i let him watch TV. There, i said it. I'm afraid that Elmo and Signing Time are going to ruin him. Am I the only mother out there who hates TV?

I am afraid of death. Not "being dead" but the actual act of dying. I hate thinking of how I will die. If I could chose the way I would die, I'd like to be well into my 90's taking a leisurely, early morning swim and just have a massive heart attack in the pool. That is the perfect scenario. A hot young life guard boy will come and try his darnedest to perform CPR on my old wrinkly butt, he would keep at it for a good while until I turned blue, his pecks flexing and water glistening off of his skin, me totally gone, dead, happy, with Jesus in heaven. But what the hell, a hot young life guard just totally made out with me! Score! I didn't get raped and shot point blank in the head! I died happy!

I fear that Dustin will someday leave me for Erin (the sexy engineer woman who works with him. She's young and hot. She has a six pack and huge knockers. She's got a tight little body and knows a lot of really cool engineer stuff....She's not real. I pretend I'm her when we get frisky. But whatevs. Erin could be real....) What if Erin decided to exist and seduce my man? I'd kill that bitch so fast.... omg.

I fear that Conrad will get bullied.
I fear that I won't "make something out of myself" and "just" be a mom.

I fear getting robbed and murdered. Or be sitting there one Thursday night watching Vampire Diaries and get home invaded. Maybe I'm the only one who does this, but when I get home, I check all of the rooms (only sometimes, I'm not a complete psycho.) I do have a plan in place IF i ever get kidnapped.... I put a taser on my x-mas list this year. I'm really hoping I never have to use it, BUT IF I DO..... I'll be prepared.

Fears can be completely paralyzing. They're lies. They bind us up so we can't live a lie of freedom. I know that I have to submit these fears to Christ almost on a daily basis so that when these thoughts come into my heart, I can remember what is promised to me. I can reject those thoughts and refuse not to believe them or let them control me. I have to meditate on the word of God and rely on it or I'm pretty much a total basket case all. the. time.
{AND just because I put myself together the other day, Here's what I wore.}
I am Wearing:
Shirt: H&M
Skirt: Anthro (Mom's)
I love how it's high waisted by long and a-line cut.
It's definitely the kind of skirt that you can dress down with a black v-neck tee
or dress up with a silk shirt.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord.
“They are plans for good and not to harm you, to give you a future and a hope.

What are you afraid of?


  1. Yep, I pretty much harbor those same fears. I too went through a stage of dyslexia as a kid (I had these drawings and worksheets that I had made was a kid with my name looking like this- ADNAMA) and I'm horrible at math. Greg can multiply and divide crazy numbers in his had and figure out percentages and I have to use my hands to double check my answers.

    I do the good-bye/drive safe/call me when you get there's. I think it has a correlation with my fear of driving on the freeway and car accidents.

    Mostly I think I'm afraid of what hasn't happened because it hasn't happened and I never truly know how I'll react to it. If that makes sense at all.

  2. Sometimes, even though I know I should bring it to the Lord, I make fun of my fears. Sometimes I psych myself out so bad, that I become absolutely paralyzed by certain fears. The fear of being raped-while pregnant at that- keeps me from walking the dog in our well lit neighborhood sometimes. I'm constantly afraid that someone will think we're a different family and kidnap [and rape...I know...] me and Lily for ransom, realize we're not who they thought we were, and kill us.

    One night I found myself doing this while Eamon was at I pulled out my phone. Not to call Eamon or the police, but to tweet. I started tweeting all of this to make myself realize how ridiculous this is. It ended with me and some friends coming up with a "secret message" for twitter to let everyone know to call the police because we'd been kidnapped. "The tortilla is out of the fryer"

    Thank you for sharing this, you're not alone in unjustified, or COMPLETELY justified fears that run through mamas, wifey's, and sisters minds :]

  3. It's funny how when my husband isn't home, I'm constantly hearing people breaking in, i sleep with the kitchen light on with my cell phone in hand. But no one is ever breaking in. It's just my mind playing tricks on me.

    That's hilarious though Mae. The twitter secret message. I like it.
    we kind of have a no scary movie, or shows about murderers and such because I'm already freaked out enough about being shot and murdered so why watch shows that freak me out eve more.

    I usually have to verbally-outloud say to my fears "i reject these thoughts in jesus name." or else I'll go crazy. I probably already sound like a total nut job while doing it, but it gives me peace.

  4. friend, these fears have always been an all to common occurrence in my life. i distinctly remember being around 12 years old and repeating Psalm 91:5-7 to myself over and over in my head when i was awake and afraid at night. i still do. but these are not thoughts we should be burdened with.


    Psalm 91

    "1 Those who live in the shelter of the Most High
    will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
    2 This I declare about the Lord:
    He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
    he is my God, and I trust him.
    3 For he will rescue you from every trap
    and protect you from deadly disease.
    4 He will cover you with his feathers.
    He will shelter you with his wings.
    His faithful promises are your armor and protection.
    5 Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night,
    nor the arrow that flies in the day.
    6 Do not dread the disease that stalks in darkness,
    nor the disaster that strikes at midday.
    7 Though a thousand fall at your side,
    though ten thousand are dying around you,
    these evils will not touch you.
    8 Just open your eyes,
    and see how the wicked are punished.

    9 If you make the Lord your refuge,
    if you make the Most High your shelter,
    10 no evil will conquer you;
    no plague will come near your home.
    11 For he will order his angels
    to protect you wherever you go.
    12 They will hold you up with their hands
    so you won’t even hurt your foot on a stone.
    13 You will trample upon lions and cobras;
    you will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet!

    14 The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me.
    I will protect those who trust in my name.
    15 When they call on me, I will answer;
    I will be with them in trouble.
    I will rescue and honor them.
    16 I will reward them with a long life
    and give them my salvation.”

  5. I'm so the same way about fearing violent crimes against my person. I mean, waaaaay paranoid. I'm very much the same in that I don't fear *dying*, I fear HOW I might die. Which is why planes are right up there with violent crime deaths when it comes to my worst fears- and I've been flying regularly since I was 2, my mom worked for an airline and I flew monthly for two years! We are going to Egypt in February for two weeks- should be the trip of a lifetime. Cairo, Aswan, a Nile River cruise, etc. And we're visiting Jordan. But to get there from Colorado?? 5 flights each way. 10 total. I have been having dreams of dying in horrific plane crashes for MONTHS now. It's not normal how much I obsess over terrifying and frightening death.

    So, yeah. Totally feel you on the scared of how I might die thing. And I'm the same OCD way in saying good bye to people- "you do NOT leave without a hug and a kiss and an I love you! What if we never see each other again?!".

    Man my fears piss. me. off. I'm working on them but it's hard.

  6. I have fears about my home being invaded and stuff like that. The big one for me is I can't look out ANY of our windows at night in fear that I will see someone looking in at me....crazy?!? I feel extremely crazy and out of control when I get those thoughts....

  7. Thanks Rachel. What a great psalm. I too really love that one. Especially verses 1-7. Thanks for sharing these amazing promises. This is so good.

  8. I can totally relate on almost all counts. I talked to you already about imagining or fantasying about things I'm scared of (intentionally or accidentally hurting my baby, falling down the stairs, cutting myself with almost any and every sharp object I encounter, home invasion, rape, rape while pregnant and huge none the less, not losing the baby weight and my husband losing interest even though he tells me I'm sexy multiple times a day, stunting my baby's development because I don't know about simple things like giving him enough tummy time, and doing math in front of people and I'm not dyslexic).

    With each year I am better at letting some of this stuff go. And then I got married and started worrying about him getting in an accident while we are apart. And had a baby and worry about everything possible. Prayer helps. I pray for comfort and it always comes. I also function better while on my anti depressant (not an answer for all cases but a great blessing) and my anxiety triggers decrease enormously.

    Also, you are gorgeous. Your hair is sick.

  9. Sarah, I love you! I love your honesty. I think we've all had that fear of intentionally or accidentally hurting our babies. I was telling you before that after reading that brook shieds book where she talked about fantacising about throwing her baby against the wall and that her talking about that was really brave to me because I had once didn't trust myself to walk down stairs, fearing i'd drop conrad. I think it's freeing when mom's talk about their fears and how they combat them.

    I REALLY Love your honesty. Thank you for sharing. I need to see you soon friend.

    Thanks for the compliment. I've been so busy the last few days working on getting photos edited that i haven't been able to wash it FOR DAYS. So today I did and feel so much better.

  10. i've spoken in church about fear before, and i just went back and read what i wrote. i especially liked this part: (a quote, not written by me)

    “Who among us can say that he or she has not felt fear? I know of no one who has been entirely spared. Some, of course, experience fear to a greater degree than do others. Some are able to rise above it quickly, but others are trapped and pulled down by it and even driven to defeat. We suffer from the fear of ridicule, the fear of failure, the fear of loneliness, the fear of ignorance. Some fear the present, some the future. Some carry the burden of sin and would give almost anything to unshackle themselves from those burdens but fear to change their lives. Let us recognize that fear comes not of God, but rather that this gnawing, destructive element comes from the adversary of truth and righteousness. Fear is the antithesis of faith. It is corrosive in its effects, even deadly.
    “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” (2 Timothy 1:6-7) These principles are the great antidotes to the fears that rob us of our strength and sometimes knock us down to defeat. They give us power.

    What power? The power of the gospel, the power of truth, the power of faith, the power of the priesthood.” -Gordon B. Hinckley (1983)

  11. Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not to harm you, to give you a future and a hope.

    LOVE THAT! It's so comforting!

  12. Chelsea, you know I can TOTALLY relate to living in fear.

    This is from a book that I'm reading right now...

    ... It starts with Philippians 4:7 "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." And then it says... If we make the choice to pray instead of worry, we will personally experience God's peace. What a promise. In a world of chaos, problems, heartache, and anxiety, all of us need peace. And then she says... When anxieties multiply within me, my mind goes absolutely crazy with "what ifs". My heart, the cradle of my emotions, rocks wildly back and forth. God's peace is the exact prescription for my anxiety-ridden heart and mind.

    I'm really into this book I'm reading right now. It's called "Calm my Anxious Heart" by Linda Dillow. It's an amazing book... not so much about anxiety but more about being content with the life we're given and accepting God's plan for us. It's good.

    But ya, you know I can relate. I been living "in fear" for years now and I'm just learning how to trust God with (almost) everything. It's so hard to let go of the things we love the most and let God have control.

    But know that you are not alone. I have little rituals that I do too. Like I feel crazy if the girls go to bed without me kissing them and telling them that I love them. Like if I'm out and Lane puts them to bed I have to go in and kiss them and tell them that I love them no matter what time it is.

    You are awesome Chelsea. You're such a beautiful strong woman. You are an amazing mom and a great wife. God wants to do great things with you and he is using you. Thanks for sharing your heart with all of us.

  13. I feel like fear gets a really bad wrap most of the time. Like it's something we are to hide and not talk about. Like if you have fears than you don't have faith in God and don't trust Him (Not true!!).

    Actually, we have fears for a reason. Altho some fears are irrational, a lot of the time we fear things that are hazardous to ourselves and our families (like being afraid that someone will break into our homes.. we should be afraid of that and be prepared for it).

    For example: if you're afraid of dying and leaving your family behind, then make sure things are in order just in case something happens. (That probably sounds so morbid, but having a husband in the military, we deal with these issues constantly). The worst things you can do are ignore your fears or let them paralyze you; you have to face them. Prepare for the worst. But live for God, not in your fear. You can be afraid of things and still have an incredible amount of faith if you are obedient to the Lord. And He will cover you and protect you. His promises are amazing!!

  14. i LOVE this post. it is me, as well.

  15. Nina, thanks for the comment. What wise words to live by. That was awesome. I love your input.

    Jessi, that's so funny that you say this because almost my biggest advice to newly weds is to get life insurance. My step dad dies when i was young leaving my mom with 2 kids, and seeing death of a spouse at a young age, I always wanted to protect Dustin and conrad incase I die. Like, 250 thousand isnt much in the grand scheme of things, but he depends on the money I make and i depend on his income to survive and I would have to leave him stranded like that to worry about one more thing when Im gone

    Erin, You're such an encouragement to me. Thank you dear friend for those kind words. I needed that today. Love you.

  16. Wow, what a GOOD post. I'm so afraid of dieing, too. My grandma has been in the hospital this week -- she's sooo old and awfully frail -- and seeing her there scares me. Not because I'm afraid of her dieing, but because of the pain/uncomfortableness she's probably in. Awful.

    On a positive note, I kind of love your Erin feat. It's nice to be lighthearted and make fun of ourselves for some of our fears. (PS, if my boyfriend had an Erin, I would not be happy either!)

  17. I am so afraid of so much it is not even funny. This post made me feel okay, actually. THANK YOU.

    ps. i moved my blog...

  18. i can't do math either! no seriously. like, i'm an idiot. i can't multiply or divide either. i use a calculator for everything and even use my fingers when i'm counting simple things.

    i'm scared that when we move to arizona that my husband is going to have so much fun with his friends that he won't really care about me anymore. or that he just won't think i'm fun. i used to resent the entire state of arizona because i associated it with everything i was jealous of. there's also this girl that used to be in his little group growing up that he kinda dated as a kid... AND I'M JEALOUS OF HER. they probably dated in middle school? but i'm so jealous of her. i got on my husband's facebook and myspace and have blocked her from them. i'm a psycho. he has no idea.

  19. Oh my gosh. You really hit home with this post. I get neurotic about checking things before I leave (I start with normal: do I have my keys? and end with: Shouldn't I just check that the stove is off once more (i.e. for the fourth time)?). I am trying to learn that checking that the curling iron is unplugged once is enough. If God wanted my house burned down, he wouldn't need a curling iron plugged in to do it. If he didn't want it burned down, it'll be fine. No that I shouldn't, ya know... be safe and all.
    This is the first week I haven't had my mace (I left my keys, with my mace on them, at my dad's) and also the VERY first week I've been going out after dark by myself for one reason or another (doh!)
    I'm scared of being mugged/raped/killed in the city.
    I'm afraid of my neighbor coming home (the cops came on Monday evening and told me to call them if he showed up)
    I'm scared of burning the house down, embarrassing myself so badly at work that I get fired or can't show my face, being single forever and ever because my standards are too high, getting fat, getting cancer, ANYTHING HAPPENING TO MY SISTERS (or any of my family).....

  20. oh sister...i have fears. I know fear is not of the Lord, but let me tell you..ugh. My hubby works on the iron highway so we are always alone, but we do have 4 big dogs, weapons, and Jesus on our side so amen to that. I fear dying and leaving little Jude here all alone (well he would have his dad, but my hubby would have him dressed all wrong and let him go out without a jacket in the winter). No seriously, i do fear death but only because Jude would be without me and would eventually replace me which just breaks my heart. Now, onto you saying that you fear just being a mom and never doing anything more...I have a masters degree and worked in open heart surgery for 7 years of my life. I wont say who I worked for (although one of my sons names is in the title). I was something..or someone...or whatever. I at least thought I was because I had a 6 figure income and I worked for a fortune 500 company all while being a single mom for 13 yrs. Let me tell that I am a stay at home mom..this job can not be beat. A mom is the most important job on the planet. Little Conrad will remember every moment you spend with him and every moment he spends away from you. My oldest son is getting ready to turn 17 and he can recollect all our mommy-son time. Mommy-hood is the most prestigeous and wearing job which is why God bestowed it upon us as a blessing.

  21. Chelsea I love YOUR honesty. And Nina's comment. And not just because she is my baby sister. The scripture in Timothy is one of my favorites and one I repeat to myself when I'm overcome with irrational fears. Because while God had not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and a sound mind (and continues to talk about not being ashamed of your testimony of Christ or afraid to share it).

  22. We all have fears, it's human nature. I'm terrified of the dark. I don't like to be alone at night. I sleep with a lighter and hairspray next to my bed with the door locked and a bar under the door knob. It's silly, It's embarassing. But, it's me. I've been this way my whole life. I hate it but I can't "fix" it so I won't. I keep my hairspray stocked and my escape route planned.

  23. Bahahaha. Tracy. You're too cute. You make me laugh just imagining you with the lighter and hair spray.

    ps, glad we got to have a good long chat session today. It was nice to talk and get caught up on eachothers lives. I always appreciate your perspective on life.

  24. I've always been a carefree, fun-loving, adventerous person, and I never understood people that let fear control them...until last year. All of a sudden, I was bombarded with complete lies from the enemy and I let those lies turn to fears turn to anxiety turn to panic...I've been fighting anxiety off and on ever since. It's WAY better now than it was this summer, but I never would have imagined how crazy anxiety can make you and how much you feel like you might lose it. I agree with everything people have have to reject fear in the name of Jesus and you have to choose to trust that He is in control of everything, whether good or bad. That has helped me a ton. If I let the thoughts run wild, they just snowball out of control. By the way, I never knew that about your sister, Chelsea. When did that happen? I am so sorry.

  25. Thank you Jenny. I totally agree that fear is a lie just like you expressed. It makes us not Trust Jesus and not walk in freedom-but be paralyzed.

    She died 5 years ago. It's a shame that suicide is becoming such an epidemic. I really don't understand it. I feel like since I've known the Lord, knowing that he's taken me through really terrible situations and I was never alone through even my worst days, I know that he is a refuge from the storms of this life and I've always taken comfort in that. I couldn't imagine feeling so alone that I could harm myself or those around me like that. Plus, life is so short anyway. There are so many people battling cancer and disease who are fighting to live, It makes it hard for me to understand those trying to die.

    I agree Jenny that we have to trust God with everything in our lives because he controls everything, whether good or bad. That's really good. Thanks for sharing.

  26. since everyone else is commenting, I will too. my husband is away this weekend and I am happy to say that I spent my first night alone two nights ago and it went well. of course I checked every door and window and slept with a light on in the hall and my cell right next to my hands (under the blanket of course so that if the intruder came into my room I could pretend to still be asleep while some how blindly dialing 911 like I was flippin macgyver or something). but for me this is progress. I am learning that all I have is the hope that jesus is who is claims he is and I can trust him. me being afraid to travel or to sleep or to even love someone isn't going to keep me safe. I get tired of the weight of fear, the lost oppurtunities, the hiding, the shame. identifying the root of some of it has helped tons. for example, as a child I never felt protected by my parents and was put in compromising positions a lot so I'm not surprised that I always feel vulnerable and like my back is wide open for attack.thankfully I have an amazing community of people and have learned a lot about the reality of who my enemy is and how to fight in the battle for truth and for freedom. I pray that you find your way to rest and peace. okay, maybe that was more helpful for me than anyone. sorry. done.

  27. I found this interesting and true when it comes to my reasons for fear and thought I would share:

    You are the son/daughter of a kind, strong, and engaged Father, a Father wise enough to guide you in the Way, generous enough to provide for your journey, offering to walk with you every step.

    This is perhaps the hardest thing for us to believe-really believe, down deep in our hearts, so that it changes us forever, changes the way we approach each day.

    I believe this is the core issue of our shared dilemma. We just don't believe it. Our core assumptions about the world boil down to this: We are on our own to make life work. We are not watched over. We are not cared for. When we are hit with a problem, we have to figure it out ourselves, or just take the hit. If anything good is going to come our way, we're the ones who are going to have to arrange for it. Many of us have called upon God as Father, but, frankly, he doesn't seem to have heard. We're not sure why. Maybe we didn't do it right. Maybe he's about more important matters. Whatever the reason, our experience of this world has framed our approach to life. We believe we are fatherless.

    Whatever life has taught us, and though we may not have put it into these exact words, we feel that we are alone. Simply look at the way men live. If I were to give an honest assessment of my life for the past thirty years, I'd have to confess the bulk of it as Striving and Indulging. Pushing myself hard to excel, taking on the battles that come to me with determination but also with a fear-based drivenness, believing deep down inside that there is no one I can trust to come through for me. Striving. And then, arranging for little pleasures along the way to help ease the pain of the drivenness and loneliness. Dinners out, adventure gear. Indulging. A fatherless way to live.

  28. Very well written Lar. What convicting thoughts. I totally feel convicted that I too strive and am sometimes driven by fear-head barely above water half the time and then waiting for those moments of rest like weekends. Almost "indulging" in the weekends.... coveting them and not wanting them to end.

    Thank you for your words of wisdom. This is good for my soul. "I am learning that all I have is the hope that jesus is who is claims he is and I can trust him." I like what you said there too.

  29. this has nothing to do with fears....

    but you could be any cuter?!! please A)stop being so gorgeous or B)send me your hammy downs when you're finished with them.

    much love,

  30. Awwww. Keri, NO, YOU stop being SO gorgeous! <3

    You're too sweet. Thank you dear for the complement.

  31. ah, fear. i think i've feared every. single. one of those. too. i was at a point last year where it paralyzed me for sure. couldn't sleep. couldn't live. & you're right, when you truly give it to jesus, there is freedom! when i'm not in God's word, it creeps back in. but this year, i prayed for peace & God gave it to me! i've slept almost every night without a pill for almost a whole YEAR! thank you for the reminder that fear=lies + God=peace. haha, like a silly bumper sticker.

    you, my dear, are a breath of fresh air.

  32. I really love this post, cause its like I could have wrote it. thanks for the remind, our fears cripple us and we mustn't let them.