A love letter of sorts.

I trip over your drum as I make my way to my bed at the end of this day that I spent with you. I was walking through the living room and in my exhaustion, failed to noticed your toys which I failed to clean because earlier I was too busy cleaning you butt and telling you in my stern-mean mommy voice, "YOU DON'T TELL MOMMY NO!" As you protested me cleaning the poop off of your super cute butt and ended up getting it everywhere, which wasn't cool. I'll let it slide this time. We're working on NOT sassing mommy and saying, "NO-NO-NO-NO!" Over and over when I ask you to do simple tasks like getting your shoes so we can go to the park or, "come here right now, so we can leave" when you would rather practice unlocking the sliding glass door with my car keys for the gazillionTH time! I have to count to ten and pray to God for supernatural patience as I gently grab you as you fight to escape me. My "whispering", (praying to God-Please Jesus, give me patience before I get crazy on this fool in a hot minute!)... if my whispering starts to freak you out, get used to it. This is part of what makes me sane. When you get older, you will tell you friends that your mom is a nut case, and that's OK. I just talk to Jesus a lot. Your friends don't scare me. I'll tell'em off too. Let em' step to this! Our poor home gets trashed daily, things thrown about, because I'm more concerned that you're not sticking forks in sockets. You know how to get the silverware out of the drawer, and you know how to take the plastic socket things out too.

As I watched "Teen Mom" tonight, my eyes filled with water, and before I knew it I was a total mess, "ugly cry" and all. Watching those young moms struggle made me feel so sad. I couldn't help it. I was a quivering mess of emotion and heart ache. I ache for these girls who are raising babies just like you, Conrad, precious-sweet little man sandwiches, and little-lady-sandwiches, but without a Daddy. I complained in my heart as I rocked you to sleep tonight (before I watched the show) because You kept chanting, "Da-da! Da-da! Da-Da!" He's in Phoenix for 3 days working, so you've got me buddy, sorry for the disappointment! I'm not as fun to play with when it comes to bath time, and I'd rather watch Sponge Bob and sit on the couch at the end of the day with you drinking your milk, and me sipping my wine. Daddy enthusiastically plays with you in the bath and reads you story after story, and after that he rocks you until you're completely unconscious. I'm not as patient or fun as Dad and I'm smelly and some nights I watch the minutes drag by, waiting until it's time for bed so I can go take a shower. We played pirates on the playground & chassed birds all over the park today. Did daddy shout ARRRG! at the top of his lungs like a friggin' lunatic, making an ass of himself at the park just to see you smile and laugh until you wanted to barf?! Is Daddy's voice totally gone from entertaining you and playing pirates??! That's what I though. I'm cool too. You just don't know it yet. At the end of the day, I'm exhausted. The house is a mess and having the support and love of your Dad makes the stress seem to melt off of me most evenings when you go ni-night. I couldn't do this alone.

Tonight we got a little sliver of what life would be like just the two of us. I didn't like it at all. I don't like being all alone in this house with just you and me. I like staying up late cuddling with Dad after you go to bed, watching summer heights high until we're dead tired and mumbling stuff to each other until we fall asleep. Then when you wake up at midnight, he stumbles out of bed to help you back to sleep and asks me the next morning if I heard you wake up and I say, "No?! Conrad woke up?! Weird! I didn't hear anything. I slept SO good." I suddenly became numb to your nightly cries when I stopped pumping and breast feeding, so you and your Dad had your 12 am rendezvous and I got used to a good nights rest. Ahem.... I was saying, raising you on my own would be super hard. I'm grateful for your Dad. That's all I have to say about that.....

My respect for single moms has quadrupled. (I need you Dustin, SO so much. My heart aches even imagining our son not having you as a mirror to view who he should be through, and you not having Jesus to mold yourself as a man through to show our son who to be.) I am humbled tonight as I procrastinate climbing into those lonely, cold sheets. What happens if I have a nightmare and there's no one to wake up next to and ask to pray for me. Just last week after I woke up from a nightmare you were half awake already and said, "for some reason, I knew you were having a nightmare!" Talk about soul mates....

{The two of us circa 2005}

{My Mom took these shots the week Dustin popped the question. We never had "real" engagement photos taken, just these. And I love these. We used them in our wedding invites. I love looking back at Dustin's long curly hair and how young we were.
What a fun time in our lives.}

I dedicate this song to the teen moms, or the twenty something moms, or thirty-something moms.... all of them. You rule, because no matter what you think, you rocked a baby for 9-ish months and did it with grace and splendor and your baby is a miracle. I know your child is a miracle because the bible tells me so. Parenting is hard, whether you're the dad or mom, so if you're reading this and you're a parent, high five! Even if I'm totally tired physically and emotionally, at the end of the day, I gave it all I had.