Wednesday, October 6

A love letter of sorts.

I trip over your drum as I make my way to my bed at the end of this day that I spent with you. I was walking through the living room and in my exhaustion, failed to noticed your toys which I failed to clean because earlier I was too busy cleaning you butt and telling you in my stern-mean mommy voice, "YOU DON'T TELL MOMMY NO!" As you protested me cleaning the poop off of your super cute butt and ended up getting it everywhere, which wasn't cool. I'll let it slide this time. We're working on NOT sassing mommy and saying, "NO-NO-NO-NO!" Over and over when I ask you to do simple tasks like getting your shoes so we can go to the park or, "come here right now, so we can leave" when you would rather practice unlocking the sliding glass door with my car keys for the gazillionTH time! I have to count to ten and pray to God for supernatural patience as I gently grab you as you fight to escape me. My "whispering", (praying to God-Please Jesus, give me patience before I get crazy on this fool in a hot minute!)... if my whispering starts to freak you out, get used to it. This is part of what makes me sane. When you get older, you will tell you friends that your mom is a nut case, and that's OK. I just talk to Jesus a lot. Your friends don't scare me. I'll tell'em off too. Let em' step to this! Our poor home gets trashed daily, things thrown about, because I'm more concerned that you're not sticking forks in sockets. You know how to get the silverware out of the drawer, and you know how to take the plastic socket things out too.

As I watched "Teen Mom" tonight, my eyes filled with water, and before I knew it I was a total mess, "ugly cry" and all. Watching those young moms struggle made me feel so sad. I couldn't help it. I was a quivering mess of emotion and heart ache. I ache for these girls who are raising babies just like you, Conrad, precious-sweet little man sandwiches, and little-lady-sandwiches, but without a Daddy. I complained in my heart as I rocked you to sleep tonight (before I watched the show) because You kept chanting, "Da-da! Da-da! Da-Da!" He's in Phoenix for 3 days working, so you've got me buddy, sorry for the disappointment! I'm not as fun to play with when it comes to bath time, and I'd rather watch Sponge Bob and sit on the couch at the end of the day with you drinking your milk, and me sipping my wine. Daddy enthusiastically plays with you in the bath and reads you story after story, and after that he rocks you until you're completely unconscious. I'm not as patient or fun as Dad and I'm smelly and some nights I watch the minutes drag by, waiting until it's time for bed so I can go take a shower. We played pirates on the playground & chassed birds all over the park today. Did daddy shout ARRRG! at the top of his lungs like a friggin' lunatic, making an ass of himself at the park just to see you smile and laugh until you wanted to barf?! Is Daddy's voice totally gone from entertaining you and playing pirates??! That's what I though. I'm cool too. You just don't know it yet. At the end of the day, I'm exhausted. The house is a mess and having the support and love of your Dad makes the stress seem to melt off of me most evenings when you go ni-night. I couldn't do this alone.

Tonight we got a little sliver of what life would be like just the two of us. I didn't like it at all. I don't like being all alone in this house with just you and me. I like staying up late cuddling with Dad after you go to bed, watching summer heights high until we're dead tired and mumbling stuff to each other until we fall asleep. Then when you wake up at midnight, he stumbles out of bed to help you back to sleep and asks me the next morning if I heard you wake up and I say, "No?! Conrad woke up?! Weird! I didn't hear anything. I slept SO good." I suddenly became numb to your nightly cries when I stopped pumping and breast feeding, so you and your Dad had your 12 am rendezvous and I got used to a good nights rest. Ahem.... I was saying, raising you on my own would be super hard. I'm grateful for your Dad. That's all I have to say about that.....

My respect for single moms has quadrupled. (I need you Dustin, SO so much. My heart aches even imagining our son not having you as a mirror to view who he should be through, and you not having Jesus to mold yourself as a man through to show our son who to be.) I am humbled tonight as I procrastinate climbing into those lonely, cold sheets. What happens if I have a nightmare and there's no one to wake up next to and ask to pray for me. Just last week after I woke up from a nightmare you were half awake already and said, "for some reason, I knew you were having a nightmare!" Talk about soul mates....
{The two of us circa 2005}
{My Mom took these shots the week Dustin popped the question. We never had "real" engagement photos taken, just these. And I love these. We used them in our wedding invites. I love looking back at Dustin's long curly hair and how young we were.
What a fun time in our lives.}

I dedicate this song to the teen moms, or the twenty something moms, or thirty-something moms.... all of them. You rule, because no matter what you think, you rocked a baby for 9-ish months and did it with grace and splendor and your baby is a miracle. I know your child is a miracle because the bible tells me so. Parenting is hard, whether you're the dad or mom, so if you're reading this and you're a parent, high five! Even if I'm totally tired physically and emotionally, at the end of the day, I gave it all I had.


  1. That was so wonderfully beautiful. Thank you.

  2. This is so precious. My best friend is about to be a single mom (well, she has a boyfriend but he isn't the father), and I know it's something she is terrified about. She wants more than anything to have a family, but she knows that being with the father just isn't worth it. I think it's really sweet that you recognize that it being a single parent isn't easy, and that no matter what the circumstances are the baby is a miracle from God!!!

    It's nice to hear encouraging words (even if they aren't for me) because I know how much she has to deal with (and will have to deal with) on a daily basis.


  3. true dat! those girls are seriously incredibly strong! i don't think they get enough credit. in fact, they just get shit on, and it's sad.

    i'm so happy for you and your love! you seem to have such a beautiful relationship and it makes me crave my husband (NON-SEXUALLY... okay, maybe a little). he's deployed and i am so anxious for him to come home so we can be a united front again. it really is how God designed things. we're supposed to do this together...

  4. I have only been to your blog twice, I found you through House of Turquoise I think but I came back because I loved the photo of your office so much and thought "that's my kind of girl" love her style and thought I'd check out your blog... Long story short, today I'm pmsing and right now I'm also crying because your post touched me a lot, I'm currently a sahm but once upon a time I was a teen mom and it was harder than anything I've ever done. Your husband sounds amazing too..okay enough of my rambling, love your blog, I'm now a follower!

  5. Hey kelly! I couldn't find your email but wanted to respond to your comment on my blog. I grew up with a single mom, for many years and got to see how hard it was for her and so my respect for single mom's is so great. I think you woman are so strong and tough and I have to say, there's a special bond between a mom and her kids when the dad isn't around. It's almost like you become supernaturally close. Growing up, my brother was more like a father figure than a brother, and we got a long so well I think because we needed each other so much more. Now I still see him taking care of me as an adult, coming over to have dinner with me when Dustins traveling with work, and being there for me when I was pregnant. The bond that kids form when they grow up in a single parent home is really special. And my mom is my "mom" but also a best friend too. Anyway, keep up the good work and when it gets hard, remember that single parent relathionships are really special.

    Big hugs!
    ps, you're a genius. You're so creative. I've been looking through your blog! I might use this idea for a baby shower Ive got coming up!

  6. Hi again Chelsea, I guess I should have clarified:) I was a single teen mom when I was 18, until I met my husband in 2002, we got married in 2006 and had a son together! So I've experienced both, I'd never want to go back to being a single mom but I agree that it does make for very strong relationships since I had to be the mommy and the daddy:) I really appreciate your nice words about my blog also:) I love your blog too!

  7. you are amazing. i love the way you write and i love that i can totally feel every word you say. awesome post, lady. awesome post.

  8. Kelly, thanks for clarifying. I see. Well I'm so glad that things worked out the way that they did. (Your story is almost exactly how my story went. My mom was a single mom until I think i was about 7 or 8? and met my step dad and they've been together ever since. (18 years). I think it's really beautiful when families can mix and still have a solid family feel. My dad had 2 daughters from his previous marriage and I always saw them as full blooded sisters instead of step sisters. I still say you rock for being a young, teen, single mom ;) I look forward to reading more of your blog!

  9. you made me cry.
    this was SO beautiful to read.

  10. such a sweet post. makes me a bit baby crazy!!!

    you ROCK!