I had lots to do today. I took my friend Bobbie to her chemo appointment and sat with her laughing my butt off and making fun of her, telling the nurses that the only way she's been able to cope with her cancer is by delving deeper into her hard-core addiction to the "crack rock". I emphasized the words, "crack-rock" to make sure they knew I was kidding, but she sure as hell got a kick out of it. "She's been hitting it hard", I warned the nurses. And of course, she busted up laughing and I got slapped!
She smiled at Conrad as he toddled around. The drugs kicked in and she quickly started to fall asleep, (lying there for 3 hours receiving her chemo). My humor was only a band-aid and when it was ripped off, I knew the pain of the situation, of sitting in a room full of comfortably padded reclining chairs, the place where those who are sick come to get well, in hopes that their cancer would die. That room was weighing heavy on my heart. I hated her sitting in that chair. This place wasn't comfortable at all. When I noticed that she was almost completely unconscious, I stole a kiss and said "love you."
I'm trying to be strong, but I think I've cried more than she has.
The lump was thick in my throat as I walked out of that hospital with my baby on my hip.
I'm still believing God and praying for a recovery.
(That was earlier this week.)
We had a wonderful conversation today on the phone and hearing her laugh, hearing her affirm me in Christ, hearing her encourage me to pursue Jesus with all that is within me makes me feel like this is what life is really all about. She gives me energy and ignites a fire in me. When I hear this song, I can't help but think of her because she so ferociously loves the Lord and I'm certain I've never seen someone so radiantly, and genuinely BE WHO THEY ARE, and yet completely want to be just like Jesus too. It's like seriously the most beautiful thing in the world to watch.
I've seen people shake their fist at God in anger about the situations that left them feeling like they were given the short end of the stick. I've seen marriages fall apart because of adultery, and parents shun their children because they are gay, or sickness that makes people feel defeated. People have lots of reason to hate God. People have lots of reasons to say "Why would God let this happen to me!" Well folks, I've had lots of shitty things happen to me too, and maybe it's my "child like faith" that says, "God's got a reason for this horrible situation." But, I can encourage you in saying that even when I've been through my darkest of days, He's shown up. He's taken me through it. He is good. My heart rests in that truth tonight. Maybe His fame is greater than mine?
I kind of feel like a faith that says "my life is all about my comfort or my happiness" is a self- based faith that is only going to be leaving you feeling like you've-got-to-take-a-crap-in-the-middle-of-the-night-on-a-camping trip and can't find your flash light-and your toilet papers all used up! Who wants to poop in a bush in the dark?
I'm just saying. Life isn't always comfortable or pretty. It's not about you. It's not about how hot your ass is or how great you are at ________ . You're not that cool! (that was me giving me a reality check. Please ignore and read on.)
Mostly I am just inspired by the fact that Bobbie hasn't yet given God the finger because her of cancer. She's leaned on him hard and has gotten to feel him pressing back into her. It has been such a great example to me. I feel deaf and dumb when I physically see that faith lived out in front of my face. When I see her saying, "Whatever you want Lord. Have your way!" It's just stupid. It's insane and all encompassing to me. It's incredible. I want to just squeeze her shoulders and say to her, "God I love you, you crazy bitch. You're insane!!" (believe me, I've done that very thing! Hallelujah, Jesus! God is so good to give me such an amazing friend.) I'm so so grateful to get to be apart of her healing. I'm so grateful that God hears us when we cry out.
I'm so glad that her tumor is shrinking.
Oh Jesus, heal her! I pray that she gets to stay with us on earth and have tons of beautiful grand babies and I don't care if you think I'm selfish. I want that cancer gone!
On a much more UN-important note, I'm wearing this:
I am wearing:
Shirt: Old Navy
Flippy flops: Target
I really can't say enough of how good God is.
Thank you ladies for praying with me. Prayer changing things.
I can't thank you enough.