I hate who pregnancy makes me

Yesterday, since it was too cold for the park,

Conrad ran around the kitchen popping bubbles and I took some pictures.

I sent this text "I need prayer today I've been the most evil, bitter, emotional, angry, critical person. Please lift me up in prayer." To a few of my prayer warrior friends who know exactly what a psycho I can be (especially while pregnant.) Then I texted, "Pregnancy brings all of the nasty things in my character to the surface which refines me, but it makes me broken. You know?" To which my friend texted back, "That's why we need Jesus and the cross. Go sit with God & repent so you can let the Lord change your heart." I love that. I love what happens when we spend time with Him, tears pouring down, and tell him that we're broken, even though He already knows, just saying out loud, "Jesus, I need you today, I'm desperate for you to change me!" I believe Those words are sweet to His ears.

I LOVE that we're having another baby, it's magical and amazing,

but I HATE who pregnancy makes me!

I came to the realization that the wicked things in my heart and character that are coming to the surface are God's way of stripping down, taking away, & cutting off the bad pieces to reveal something better for my babies, to make me a better Mom for them and to make me more like Him. If I never confronted the sin in my heart, I'd always be this way. I don't want to be this way, the way I've been lately.

I got to thinking while I spent time with God yesterday, Why is it that when I'm pregnant, it's SO much harder to not be mean to people? There's no filter on my mouth, my heart isn't as sensitive to others? Why? When people would cross me and give me dirty looks when I was pregnant with Conrad, I'd give them a piece of my mind! I realized that pregnancy gave me BALLS! But that's the wrong perspective I'm afraid. It's not a good thing that I'm quick to anger and not afraid to tell people off! That's an awful way to be! I'm surprised I have a single friend Still. Seriously.

I talked to a friend yesterday about how I've been feeling & It felt good to know that I'm not the only person who doesn't love carrying a child- I'm just not one of those woman. She shared with me that she gets a little depressed too at times and being pregnant doesn't bring out the best in her either. I feel guilty about not loving pregnancy, but It feels good to know I'm not alone!

I don't like feeling like my body is being taken over, but I DO like laying flat on my black and feeling that tomato sized lump and sending it love vibes! It makes me smile. I don't however enjoy the pregnancy dreams! Last night I had a dream that our baby was a boy, he had brown curly hair and had down syndrome. It was a freaky dream because his mouth was on the other side of his face.... The crazy sex dreams are a little disturbing as well. You know the one where the guy's face you're "with" keeps changing into different dudes? Sick right? (*Every pregnant has crazy, weird sex dreams. I'm not the only freak in town y'all. It just happens. It's part of pregnancy!) I do love how (before Dustin left for work today), I told him about my dreams and he put his hand on my belly and prayed for our little tomato and for my well being, knowing that I've been struggling lately. That makes me smile.

With Conrad, we were SO excited, we talked to the belly and prayed for him all the time, and with this baby, we've just been so busy, we forget to enjoy the miracle of it. It's amazing that this week the baby is learning how to move it's hands and feet. How stinking cute is that?! I HATE throwing up after I've just devoured a perfectly delicious piece of banana cake (from scratch), but I DO love getting a big bag full of maternity clothes from my friend (Thanks Sofia!) Those are good things. I'm trying to find the good in everything these days, aside from the nauseousness, exhaustion, cravings, head aches, crazy sex dreams, depression, mood swings and not feeling like myself.

Only 205 days left!!! God help me.

(Please forgive me for rambling on about how lame I've been lately.)

It's All About to Change Forever

Today I wore- Blue Skinny chords: Gap (x-mas gift from mom.) Shirt: Buffalo Exchange

Sweater: Anthro (mom's closet) Clip on pearl earrings: a gift from Dustin's grandma

Where's Conrad?

Yesterday my Mother in law and I grabbed a bite to eat after I took Conrad to the play gym to hang with his buddies. As I was quickly inhaling my Greek salad and mac and cheese, I glanced up at the two of them sitting across from me and suddenly burst into tears. Not cute, sweet-tears but loud obnoxious, uncontrollable tears. Full blown ugly cry was upon me. Before I could control my hyperventilating and explain to my m.i.l what was wrong, she handed me a napkin to clean my face and I tried to pull myself together.
(Aren't sudden-hormonal outbursts a such lovely part of pregnancy?)

He was sitting in the booth, NOT in his highchair. He was stabbing his muffin so gracefully and feeding himself like a big boy. He was sipping from his apple juice box and not squeezing it all over his shirt or in his face...."He's never going to be this little ever again!" I explained. Do other moms go through this painful realization? Will I be so overwhelmed and concentrated on my next baby that I forget to stop to savor the snuggles? I'm afraid of losing him.

We have a tiny 3 bedroom condo & we're trying to figure out whether we were going to make the office the baby's room or put the two kids together in one room. It makes me sad to take Conrad's routine away from him or interrupt his sleep with a new born baby in the same room as he's in. I love reading every night, singing our songs and snuggling him for a few minutes before I put him in bed. Even our nightly routine has been making me sad lately. I'm snuggling my sweet baby boy, whose already too big to be rocked, and I'm overcome with love for him. I'm sad that in a few months, my belly might be too big to really snuggle him good. It makes me sad.

I'm SO excited for him to have a buddy to play with and grow up with, but it's always just been the two of us all day together. You know when you're in love and you love that other person so intensely that it's almost a painful feeling? I believe mom's feel this painful-love feeling for their kids. My heart has been aching lately feeling like once this new baby comes, every last part of him that was once "baby" will be gone.

Today we played peek a boo in the curtains.

He thought I couldn't see him.....

Then he jumped out with a loud, "BOOO!" and found me!

{I have a feeling I'm going to be in just as much

"pain-love" with the next one.}

Conrad Has Some Very Important News To Share...

If you haven't already guessed.... I've got a bun in the oven!!! I'm not very good at keeping secrets, hence me telling the world way too early...I'm only about 8 weeks along and have yet to hear a heart beat, or go to the Dr. but we're super excited about our news! We've decided to wait to find out the sex until the baby is born. There are very few surprises left in life, and this one will be an amazing surprise to learn. I already feel like I'm "showing..." but that's fine by me. I've been craving buffalo wing sauce like crazy (I could literally drink it from a cup with out the wing, just the sauce!) I've been falling asleep at 7pm and dry heaving my ass off all day long. The other day I was on the computer during Conrad's nap and I could hardly make it to the kitchen, my lunch was on it's way up, so I threw up in the laundry basket! I also had an episode at Trader Joe's as I was walking out the door. I smelled cigarette smoke, which made me start gagging, my mother in law who works there saw me cupping one hand under my mouth and holding the cart with the other hand trying not to let go of Conrad, and she sent over a worker to assist me. He grabbed the cart and I found a corner to barf in. How humiliating. I apologized because this poor teenage kid had to clean it up. IF THAT'S NOT BIRTH CONTROL I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS! (My mother in law bought him lunch to make up for it.) So I've been really sick, but it's a good sign. I'm still running on a fairly regular basis. I ran 12 miles total last week. I'm REALLY trying not to gain as much weight with this baby as I did with Conrad. It's so hard though because food helps me when I'm nauseous. Cereal in the middle of the night has been my favorite. I wake up sick as a dog and if I eat cereal, it makes me feel better. I really want to "enjoy" this pregnancy more though. I'm working on trying to stay motivated and give Conrad all of my love even when I'm tired and feel sick. Anyway. 

We're overjoyed and so excited about this pregnancy. New year, new baby! 

What a sweet blessing to receive. This new year is going to be such a great one. 

I can't wait to see what the Lord has in store for us 

as our family grows.