The First Week.

"Look, your Colorado family, all having lunch together!"

Sitting at lunch with our friends, the Nesteby's today (our husbands both work near each other and Tiff and I had a play date today, so of course we had to all meet up for lunch. Back story: we took a birth class with the Nesteby's and had our babies at home, a week apart. They're legit. We like them. A lot. They moved from Vegas to Colorado in February of last year.) They are like a link to the chain that connected us here. They are a piece to our promise.

 So as we sat there at Cafe Rio, I'm reflecting on Boston talking about "family" and get teary eyed (surprise surprise!) We're so blessed to have that built in support system here. But really, that's what we've had here. Friends that accept us as family and show us the way in a big, scary, intimidating city & who hang out with us.

It's been a full week here. It's been busy.

I'll admit, the first night was hard. Like really really freaking hard. 
I wanted nothing more than to be away from this house and out doing stuff to distract my heart from the truth that I really hated this home that we drove 15 hours to live in and I left my dearest friends to come here.

Nothing the day that we unloaded the Uhaul truck was working. None of our furniture was fitting into our home. Our dryer was a gas dryer and the hook ups were electrical. Our new (gifted) beautiful fridge was too big for our kitchen. What was the icing on the cake was that our entire basement smelled like mildew and the carpets were stained. Like, a dead corpse had legit been sitting down there getting all gross and stinking up the damn place, staining the damn carpets with it's dead-person juices. No, I'm being for real guys. It was that bad. When we looked at this place, I made sure to confirm that the carpets would be shampooed, in hopes that the stains wouldn't be an issue.

 I was sad.
  Dustin was sad.... more sad than I had ever seen him.

We realized that honestly, this home wasn't going to work unless that extra space was usable for our kids. The basement had to be fixed. The dead cold of winter was going to be shitty if we were snowed in and these crazy kids didn't have a place to run and play.... they needed that basement.

As I watched more and more stuff go wrong the day we moved in, I felt paralyzed. I just watched everyone move stuff in and wanted to cry. The house was not "move in ready" by any stretch of the imagination. It was filthy. Dustin and I both had this look of defeat on our faces the entire day.

We went to bed that night feeling sticky and itchy and gross. I was not happy there. We both knew that if either of us brought it up, we'd both just ball our eyes out together and cry ourselves to sleep, both taking turns complaining while the other tried to see the good in the situation....so of course, I bring it up-the elephant in the really gross room and we cried until we couldn't go anywhere but to sleep.

 We just felt like, why would God lead us here to a house that we had so much excitement about and then disappoint us?
...why did it seem so bleak.

So that's exactly what we did. I held my husband as he cried out to God, asking questions of why and the frustrations he felt and the anger and emotion of just wanting to build for his wife a gorgeous, beautiful home-and what we had moved into was certainly not that hope of a home that he urned to give me.

I remembered my going away party and how surreal it felt to have every single person who meant something to me there (aside from my family). How I paused for a moment and soaked them all in and let my heart remember moments that I had with each one. Years with some, childhoods with others, meaningful months that felt like lifetimes with some...... ugh! I HATED leaving my friends like you have no idea..... I just wanted to go back there to Vegas and love on and be loved by my friends in a safe place.

I wanted safe and this was NOWHERE near safe.

But I held Dustin that first night and he held me.
We didn't cry, we wept.

I was scared. Did we make a huge mistake in coming here. Were we doomed to live lots of cold, empty months without friends in heaping mounds of icy loneliness?

We had never left home until now and we felt so sick over leaving.

I hadn't cried that hard in a very long time.

I was scheming ways to just get home. Pack up our stuff and get the hell back to Vegas.
    I was telling myself lies and believing every last one.

Just imagine having no real reason to leave the only place you'd ever known as home, and all of your favorite people, but holding onto promises that you'd gotten from God that moving was the best thing to do. Those promises felt light years away and all were slipping right out of my grasp.

Anger started building up inside of me towards Dustin that first night.

We talked, cried & prayed until we couldn't anymore and passed out.

The next morning we made coffee and started unpacking stuff together. It just felt like a war zone of emotion. I think I cried here and there all day. Thankfully, my parents were there and my Dad reaffirmed to me that this is where God led us, so just trust and let go. I got a text from a friend encouraging me to shake off my emotions-which can't be trusted and fall into the arms of Christ, who can be trusted.

This week, I got to see time after time moments where I felt really down and Boston showed up on our doorstep to hang out, or neighbor kids knocked on our door asking for a shy and timid Conrad to come out and play or strangers loved on us when we needed it, blessing us mysteriously. (It took Conrad two full days until he was willing to brave the 11 neighbor kids-but he did it. He knows them all by name and begs to see them!)

God's fingerprint has been ever-present in this whole process. It's almost like, when we want to give up and doubt, he points us right back to what he promised and holds us close in the scariness of newness and unfamiliarity.

The beauty of this place holds me captive daily. I drive down new streets and see new things and places that I want to see. This city is unending in it's diversity and intricacy. I am forced to be kind and tolerant of everyone I see because I am hungry for community and friends. I can't afford to be prideful, snarky or rude. I just feel so much peace here.

The owner has agreed to replace all of the carpets down stairs, we just have to install it, and he has been extremely accommodating. The house that we live in is older, yes, but this is exactly where we are meant to be. He also is taking off $100 of next months rent since I had to clean this place. I think one of my most humbling moments here was cleaning the toilets.....I'll clean my own family's poop off of the floor no questions asked, but someone else's? That's where I sort of draw the line.

We feel incredibly grateful to be here in this home with lots of amazing kids who love on our kids, and this quirky little house and this amazing city that we already love.

I don't have time these days to blog much but I will update as often as possible with more of this journey we are all on. I covet all of the prayers of my friends who have been believing for God's favor when I doubted. I love you all like crazy.

I update (wayyyyyyy too often) on Instagram. Username: Ellerad1

Lots of pictures of our adventures there!

{ Goodnight friends. }