7:20PM On A Monday:

{They melt my heart!}

You Can't Expect It To Be So Easy....

This week has been rough sauce. Like, seriously rough, Super-tiring, hard, exhausting, & tear filled.
I know when I'm having a particularly hard day because my spine gets all tight and It's difficult to breathe. (That's when I'm grateful for impromptu, emergency Skype dates with friends who pray for this basket case mother of two and love me.)

My midwife says I've got post partum anxiety. So that's what this shit storm is? That explains it! It's not like post partum depression where you have weird thoughts of harming your baby, you're afraid to be around people or you are weepy and sad for no reason (that was me with Conrad.) I feel the complete opposite with Elle. I'm high strung. The tiniest thing can go wrong (getting lost on the other side of town after a Dr's appointment where I waited nearly 2 hours to see the Doctor which resulted in a total full on anxiety attack, crying, and yelling at my husband on the phone to help me get un-lost and praying to god my baby girl doesn't wake up and need to be fed on the side of the road...) Good times. It's like I've lost my coping mechanisms for stress. The smallest disappointment becomes a large mountain of devastation. My joys are extra amazing and glorious. My disappointments are extra debilitating. I cry happy tears almost daily and tears of frustration quickly follow. I think post-partum-bipolar-syndrome is a better explanation of what the hells wrong with me.

Damn hormones!

Not only that, I've become a first time mother all over again. They say you're more relaxed the second time around, but I disagree. I'm more protective, more cautious, & more concerned about every single thing concerning Elliotte. Not that I wasn't before, I just have a very different connection with her as a new born than I ever had with Conrad. Dustin was sucking snot out of her nose the other night as she screamed and cried and all I could do was sit and watch in horror just waiting until he was done and I could scoop her up and snuggle her back to calmness and peace.

I was talking on the phone with a friend of mine about how hard this life change of adding another baby to our family has been. One thing that she said was, "I don't know why you expected it to be easy. It's not going to be easy..." I guess I did sort of expect it to be "easy." I don't know what I expected really. The difficulties of having two some how surprised me and blindsided my ass.

A week ago, a stranger offered to help me to my car with my groceries and as he pushed my cart with my food and my two year old in it, I followed next to him with Elle in the sling. He asked how I was doing and I couldn't hold back the tears. (really, Chelsea? Breaking down to a stranger? Awkward.) Just a simple trip to the store can turn me into an emotional wreck. I tried to suck it up and say that I was doing just fine for the sake of saving myself the embarrassment. But I wasn't fine. I was a mess. Part of me was just so grateful to have someone give me a hand and the other part of me was completely frazzled and hanging on by a thread. I wasn't holding myself together as well as I thought I was. He said something sort of profound, looking back. He told me to enjoy this stage of sleepless nights because even though it's hard, it's going to be gone before you know it. 

He's right.

So that's what we're doing. We're taking each day as it comes. I'm asking god for extra helpings of patience with my two year old and when my new born has mustard colored poop all the way up to her neck and I'm cleaning crap out of everything, I just try to smile and take it moment by moment not expecting it to be easier than it already is. These days do pass too quickly.

Conrad is FIN-ah-ly accepting his sister though. For the first two weeks he sort of ignored her and was in denial of her existence and now I think he gets it. She's here to stay! She's not being sent back to Target, or Trader Joe's or wherever he thinks babies come from. She's not going anywhere....  The sibling rivalry has already begun I'm afraid. When we're in the car, if Elle starts crying, he goes, "Mom, baby cryin', mom! Baby cryin'! BahhahahahahHAhaah!!!!!" And breaks out in hysterics. Why it brings him so much joy to see her cry? I don't understand it. BUT last night he did come give Elle and I a kiss goodnight (UNPROMPTED!) AND THE WATER WORKS BEGIN AGAIN! So maybe he's starting to really get used to the idea of her.

Sleeping beauty:

"If the lord had not been my help, my soul would have dwelt in the land of silence. When I thought, "My foot slips," thy steadfast love, o Lord, held me up. When the cares of my heart are many, thy consolations cheer my soul. But the Lord has become my strong hold, and my God the rock of my refuge." Psalm 94

It will get easier. These precious days will disappear all too quickly. 

I need to enjoy them, even when they aren't easy. 

I can depend on my God to grace me with everything I need to raise both of my sweet babies, 

even in the hardest and most overwhelming of days. 

Even if I'm hanging on by a very thin thread, I'm still hanging on. 

Tiny Little Lady

Elliotte, 6 days old. 

{Photos by Kacie.}

6:42PM ON A MONDAY:

I'm trying to video tape my little dude and all of his sweetness as much as I can before he gets too big and too cool for me, or before he starts pronouncing the word "stickers" correctly. Hearing him say, "Tickas" is pretty darn cute though. 

Post Baby Ramblings.

Thoughts on the last 2 weeks with my newest squishy-squisher-fancy-faced-button-nosed-lady....

(Yes, the dreadfully adorable little nicknames are totally necessary and I say them in the squeakiest-most annoyingest voice you could ever imagine.)

Thoughts on the last 2 weeks:

-When my husband calls her his "honey girl" as he changes her diaper, I melt into a puddle on the floor. Hearing him tell her how pretty she is makes me swoon. You'd think he was giving me a complement.

-The novelty of waking up 3+ times a night to nurse my baby has sadly worn off. It was fun but now I'm straight zombie-status-tired y'all. Like, at first, I'd hear her little perfect lips smack together ever so daintily and politely (She doesn't cry, she just smacks her lips when she's hungry. It's not even right the level of adorableness oozing out of that tiny, sweet body). At first, it was new and fun, like having a new puppy waiting for you when you got home from school... I'd joyfully wake up in the wee hours of the night, spring forth from my soft, warm mattress and do a little heel click as I jumped in the air with excitement to spend time with my sweet baby girl feeding her and watching (my boyfriend) Jimmy Fallon....on TV. NOW though, the lack of sleep has caught up with me and by the time I realize she's done with her meal, already passed out with the nip is out of her mouth, I've fallen asleep myself. I'm so tired at night sometimes, it's a wonder my eyes don't start bleeding.

-Naps are a must. I'm learning that if I don't nap when they both nap, I'm not a very nice mommy & I'm not as patient with Elle at night. The discipline of napping has come easy for me.

- The task of raising a daughter is daunting and all together frightening in a way that I never experienced with Conrad, a boy. She needs to be protected in her youth and wooed by her father, dated by her dad and his job of showing her how she should be treated by men needs to be so superior that the average dude will not stand a chance when it comes to winning her heart the way her dad did as she grew up. Raising a daughter scares me. What if she hates me, what if she loves me, what if we're so a like we drive each other crazy, what if she's more of a "daddy's girl", what if she pierces her belly button behind my back or sneaks out of her window to hang out with lame teenage douche bag boys, what if she ends up having really good taste and wants to always borrow my clothes.... (hi mom!) Ugh. The thought of raising a teenage girl stresses me out.

Elle wearing one of Conrad's new born outfits.

-I've learned that a good friend brings you herbal ointment for your raging roid, texts you to ask how your baby is breast feeding, brings you a really fattening meal, brings her kid over to play with your kid so you can have a break and talk to an adult for a few hours, comes over late at night when you're engorged and frazzled to help you latch your baby and give you the confidence you need to be the mom you want to be, prays for you when you need it and brings you sweet baby girl clothes (so your baby doesn't look like a boy...) Thank you, to my incredible friends who have really made me feel so loved. My heart is full.

-Another thing I've learned since having a baby is, DON'T under any circumstances take a mirror down town and check things out. I don't care who you are. Don't do it. I don't know why I felt like it was necessary to investigate the lady parts, but I did. And then I cried and panicked and called another mom friend who assured me that IT DOES go back to normal and then in her, "what the hell were you thinking?!" voice said, "Um, Chelsea, you had a baby 2 weeks ago! Why are you looking down there?!" No one tells you that stuff is going to be shifted around down stairs! Why isn't anyone telling anyone this? I know I "over share" way too much. It's probably unhealthy how much I over share, but lets be real here. Things look a teeny tiny bit different. *For the record, I would have rather torn all the way to my bung hole if it meant being able to birth her how I did. That's just for the record though. 

-Those woman who say that they were back in their skinny jeans the same week they had their baby are bitches. Seriously. But then again, those same bitches probably aren't consuming carrot cake muffins with butter cream frosting at 3am after they feed their baby (450 calories per cake. No joke.) Sure I could exercise a little self control, but DUDE, I feel like a ravaging beast. I'm eating like a 15 year old boy. It's kind of insane and embarrassing how much I eat. But it STILL doesn't make me hate those skinny,
one-week-post-baby, skinny jeans wearing bitches any less....

-Men who wear babies are hot. Period.

-No one told me how fun having two would be. My favorite thing so far was when we were driving to see the midwife in the car for the first time as a family and Conrad pointed to an air plane and shouted, "Look Elliotte, air plane!!!" Or every time we get out of the car, I unbuckle Conrad first and he always says, "Get baby mom. Get baby!" It's cute that he's so concerned for her, OR that he assumes I'd leaver her in the car and forget her..... Either way, it's friggin adorable.

-Another thing I've learned, my husband isn't as comfortable with me nursing in public without a cover as I am with nursing in public without a cover. First off, who wants to eat under a dark sheet, and secondly, who cares. I highly doubt anyone is looking at my boob and getting aroused. We're still in the getting the hang of it stage where I really have to help her latch on properly, so doing that under the cover is really difficult. Plus, we were in the movie theater, so that makes it right I guess.

-The first day alone with two kids, by myself wasn't as scary as I thought it would be.

Our first date, post baby, with baby. 5$ movie night is the best. 

We saw Crazy Stupid Love and I highly recommend it.

{The last two weeks with my new honey girl have been utterly amazing.}

Elliotte's Birth Story Told Through Photographs

(Song credit: Radiohead "Give up the ghost". We listened to it the night before Elle was born.

It will forever remind me of her birth.)

Although these photos are quite intimate and dear to me, I feel they are important to share, to tell the whole story. AND, because I can't go a day without marveling over how faithful and good to me my God was through it all.... I cry probably everyday just thinking about the moment she was born. I can't shut up about it, really. I'm just so over the moon and in love.

As this journey of birthing my baby comes to an end, the journey of bringing light to VBAC birth AND how incredible we as woman have been designed by God to be completely capable of enduring it, that journey has just begun. I have received numerous emails from woman who are on that journey to a more gentler birth, a drug free birth and or a vaginal birth after a previous cesarean birth. My hope is that by watching vbac birth, they might be encouraged & know that they CAN DO IT too. {Your body isn't broken!!} One of the most helpful things for me when I was pregnant was to watch videos like the one I'm sharing, read birth stories and talk to other woman who have also experienced it. I will continue to post articles, information, birth stories and birth videos in an effort to give support to woman who are on the path that I was on when I got pregnant with Elliotte and felt so alone (at first) with my desire to have a natural birth. The more I sought out woman with the same desire as me, the more NORMAL it felt to have this desire. After hearing so many beautiful stories of woman taking back their bodies and birthing on their own terms, the more realistic it felt, and less crazy it felt to have my baby at home. Anyway, that's why it's important for me to post videos like these.

It was such a blessing to have such a good friend shoot my birth photos. {Thank you a million times over, Bobbie.} If Dustin had not called her frantically during labor, we wouldn't have had a single picture. I was too busy laboring to care if anyone came to take photos, but Dustin knows how passionate I am about natural birth and knew I would want to have it documented. Luckily, it was Sunday and she wasn't working.

There is just something special about being surrounded by woman who love you and are all routing for you and crying happy tears with you when your baby is born. I was thrilled to have Bobbie be part of our birth team.

Written Like Wedding Vows.

2 "Plead with your mother, plead -- for she is not my wife, and I am not her husband -- that she put away her harlotry from her face, and her adultery from between her breasts; 3 lest I strip her naked and make her as in the day she was born, and make her like a wilderness, and set her like a parched land, and slay her with thirst.

4 Upon her children also I will have no pity, because they are children of harlotry.

5 For their mother has played the harlot; she that conceived them has acted shamefully. For she said, 'I will go after my lovers, who give me my bread and my water, my wool and my flax, my oil and my drink.'

6 Therefore I will hedge up her way with thorns; and I will build a wall against her, so that she cannot find her paths.

7 She shall pursue her lovers, but not overtake them; and she shall seek them, but shall not find them. Then she shall say, 'I will go and return to my first husband, for it was better with me then than now.'

8 And she did not know that it was I who gave her the grain, the wine, and the oil, and who lavished upon her silver and gold which they used for Ba'al.

9 Therefore I will take back my grain in its time, and my wine in its season; and I will take away my wool and my flax, which were to cover her nakedness. 10 Now I will uncover her lewdness in the sight of her lovers, and no one shall rescue her out of my hand.

11 And I will put an end to all her mirth, her feasts, her new moons, her sabbaths, and all her appointed feasts. 12 And I will lay waste her vines and her fig trees, of which she said, 'These are my hire, which my lovers have given me.' I will make them a forest, and the beasts of the field shall devour them.

13 And I will punish her for the feast days of the Ba'als when she burned incense to them and decked herself with her ring and jewelry, and went after her lovers, and forgot me, says the LORD. 14 "Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her."

15 And there I will give her her vineyards, and make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. And there she shall answer as in the days of her youth, as at the time when she came out of the land of Egypt.

16 "And in that day, says the LORD, you will call me, 'My husband,' and no longer will you call me, 'My Ba'al.'

17 For I will remove the names of the Ba'als from her mouth, and they shall be mentioned by name no more.

18 And I will make for you a covenant on that day with the beasts of the field, the birds of the air, and the creeping things of the ground; and I will abolish the bow, the sword, and war from the land; and I will make you lie down in safety.

19 And I will betroth you to me for ever; I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love, and in mercy.

20 I will betroth you to me in faithfulness; and you shall know the LORD.

21 "And in that day, says the LORD, I will answer the heavens and they shall answer the earth;

22 and the earth shall answer the grain, the wine, and the oil, and they shall answer Jezreel;

23 and I will sow him for myself in the land. And I will have pity on Not pitied, and I will say to Not my people, 'You are my people'; and he shall say 'Thou art my God.'"

-Hosea Ch. 2

I never understood why Dustin loved this chapter so much, but this is by far his very favorite thing in the bible. For some reason I decided to read it the other day while soaking in a hot bath (while trying to express milk from my rock hard boobs....fun stuff right?) I don't think I've ever been so moved before, or so overwhelmed with a feeling of awe just realizing how utterly jealous my god is for my affection, knowing the lengths that he will go to pull my eyes away from the things that distract me, the things that I worship instead of worshiping Him. Dustin has said many times that if our eyes aren't focused on Jesus, He will do whatever it takes to draw us back to himself. I loved how after reading his chapter, I felt like it read like wedding vows. I love how romantic these words read. It sounds so much like a love letter than anything else and I love that. I've never quite looked at my relationship with god as a "father to daughter" relationship, (something I want to talk more about in a later post.) But as I read these words, I couldn't help but feel "wooed" by God, and loved by him.

In other news. I'm feeling AMAZING. Elliotte is such a little fuzzy, sweet, peach monkey butt and I'm SO so utterly in love. I don't think I set her down the entire first week. I slept with her, I bathed with her, dropped crumbs of food on her face as she nursed and I ate, I wore her, kissed every sweet little inch of her....I am SO smitten with my little lady, you have no idea. I want to have like a gazillion more babies! We had a really hard 2 nights in the first week where she was up ALL night crying. I've cut out dairy, onions and chocolate from my diet and it seems to help. My good friend Janelle came over one night to help me with lactation stuff getting Elle to latch onto my one funky nip but Things are going fabulous, (other than cracked, bloody, sore, nips that are on fire every time she eats!) But hey, I keep telling myself, If I gave birth to her "Au natural" I can handle these achin' nippies. I've been ULTRA weepy, but good weepy not depressed weepy. I've been a blubbering mess, it's half way embarrassing. I've watched my birth video probably 4 times now and cried each time. It truly was the best day of my life. She FINALLY has a middle name. Dustin chose it. We're going to call her Elliotte Rosalee. It's girlie and her big round eyes are like roses so it fits. Conrad loves her. When we ride in the car, he goes, "Look E-WEE-IT! Air planes!" It's super cute. Having two little ones has been so much fun.

*Thank you for all of the sweet comments and prayers on the blog!
I cried multiple times while reading them and felt so blessed.

Elliotte's {VBAC} Birth Story:

A friend of mine suggested I sit down and start writing my birth story while it's still fresh in my head.

So here goes. Brew some tea and get a snack because I'm giving you the long version!

All week, I had been going on walks and doing pelvic rocks in the shower while Conrad took his naps, I'd been resting a lot more and had been feeling more tired and irritable. I was having braxton hicks contractions all week but nothing major. I was anticipating going well past my due date. At this point though, I was 39 weeks. Saturday came and I was extremely irritable. Everything that Conrad did annoyed me. I just wanted to be in bed and be alone, so Dustin took Conrad to the park and the store so I could rest. When they got home, I was still feeling really tired and fatigued. I called my parents in tears and they came and took Conrad to their house. My Dad had made a comment that I was about to have this baby very soon, and I disagreed. I just wasn't feeling like myself, I thought. Little did I know, He was so right. I was an emotional wreck. All I could do was clean and cry, for no apparent reason at all. I was folding baby clothes and was upset that the baby's room wasn't put together yet and Dustin sat down on the floor to talk to me and try to sort out why I was such a wreck. It was actually really great that we talked because we hadn't realized just how distant we had both been. We ended up talking, crying and praying for about 2 hours and it was just what we needed as a couple to get on the right page before we welcomed our baby into the world. We were lacking that compassion for one another and that tenderness in our marriage. We were both stressed, excited, anxious, ready, and hadn't realized that we had become so distant or hard hearted towards each other.

Dustin suggested that we go on a long drive and listen to music. I washed my face and put on a comfy dress and he made me some decaf coffee to sip while we drove. It was already getting late and about time to pick up Conrad, so we took the scenic route and drove to my parents house. We listened to an old Radiohead CD in the car. We turned up the music as loud as it would go and held hands. It was exactly what I needed. Just the two of us, in the car, listening to music we love and enjoying the last sweet moments together before we became 4.

We ate my Dad's chicken enchiladas while Conrad played with my grandma and mom and enjoyed my parents company until about 9. We headed home, put the little man in bed and went to bed as usual. I was having little braxton hicks contractions here and there but nothing to get excited about. I woke up at 11:30 and ran to the bathroom throwing up. The food didn't make Dustin sick at all, but it seemed to make me sick, which was weird (now I realize that my body was just getting ready for labor, and that's why i threw up). I went back to bed and woke up at about 4:30 with stronger contractions that I had to lean over my bed to work through. I asked Dustin to time them. They were about 6-8 mins apart. I couldn't go back to sleep. I kept telling myself that this was false labor and not to get obsessed over the contractions. Surly I wasn't in labor, I was only 39 weeks! I told Dustin that if this was "false labor" this was a cruel joke because it was pretty intense.

By 5:00am, I decided that I wanted to go on a walk and be outside so I called my mother in law and she came over in her pj's to wait for Conrad to wake up and then take him to her house for the day. We got into the car and planned to pick up the video camera at my friend Sofia's house before our walk. I had two contractions in the car that rocked my world. I had to turn around in the car and hold onto the head rest, they were so intense. Sofia gave me the camera, was so excited for me she was almost in tears, gave me a hug and we headed to the park for a walk. While we were driving, it started pouring out and the windshield wipers were so annoying I told Dustin to TURN THEM OFF!!!! as i was going through another contraction. It really was the most amazing, rainy, cloudy day. It was perfect out.

I told him to take me to the store instead of a walk. I wanted to buy yogurt, cookie dough and candles. We ran through the rain and hurried into Albertson's. The rain made us both super happy and we both felt like kids. If this was labor, we were excited to be enjoying rain. (We had specifically prayed for rain when we went into labor) Luckily, we were the only people in Albertson's because as we walked through the store, I had two contractions that stopped me dead in my tracks that I needed to moan through in order to survive. At this point, I'm still wondering if this is false labor.....

When we got back home I wanted to vacuum. I would vacuum the living room rug and when I felt a contraction coming, I'd drop to my knees and call Dustin over to rub my lower back. I'd moan through it and breathe deep and slow until it passed, get back up and continue cleaning something else. At one point, as I was putting dishes away, I dropped to the ground on all fours with my head against the stove as he rubbed my back. During a contraction in the living room, I remember Dustin saying, "I know this is hard honey, but really try to praise God for each contraction knowing that it is bring our baby closer to being here with us. You're doing great!" Something suddenly bubbled up inside of me and I had the urge to worship god, so I began praying and praising Him. As I prayed and cried, I could hear Dustin whimpering and crying behind me as he rubbed my back. I had never felt such a strong desire to praise god in my life. It was such an incredibly overwhelming feeling of gratitude and love. I couldn't come up with enough words to describe how incredible my god was. In my mind, Dustin wasn't even in the room, it was just me and Jesus. That moment was one of the sweetest times of my birth.

Dustin realizes that this might be the "real" thing so he called the birth tub company to come set up our tub. He also called our midwifes assistant, Marcie to get her opinion on whether we were in real labor or not. She heard me moaning through a contraction in the back ground and said she was on her way. She arrived shortly after and it was a relief to see her. I wasn't able any longer to move or get up after a contraction. Now they were starting to get more intense. The three of us ended up in my bathroom in the dark, laboring over the birthing ball for the next few hours in silence. It felt best to be on all fours. Marcie would massage my shoulder blades to remind me to relax as Dustin rubbed peppermint lotion on my feet, back and calfs during each rush. Marcie kept reminding me to breathe slow and deep, to moan deep and not raise my voice. All of my contractions were in my back.

I stayed on my hands and knees laboring for a few hours. I remember thinking to myself, "This is exactly why woman get epidurals. This shit is no joke!" (I probably said, "Oh shit!" a good twenty times during labor. Everything said or done in labor is forgiven, my midwife reminded me.) Laboring was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life. I had to remind myself of the woman who birthed naturally, my girlfriends who helped me along on this journey. I told myself, "Janelle did it, Morgan did it, Mae did it, Laura did it.... YOU CAN DO IT TOO. You WILL do it!" Being in labor and in that pain is very isolating because no one in the room feels what you're feeling. But remembering the ladies who had done it too really helped me persevere through it.

Time passed and I wasn't aware of anything but trying to get through each rush. I needed silence and darkness. Dustin got up and called Carrington to come over. He also called Bobbie to come take a few pictures. When Carrington arrived, she anointed my head with oil and prayed over me for a long while. She held my hand and kept telling me I was doing a beautiful job. I remember tears falling on my birthing ball as I breathed through rushes and she prayed and stroked my hair. I was still on all fours in our bedroom with the curtains closed. The room was quiet and peaceful. Shortly after Carrington arrived, Dotty arrived. (One of my favorite memories of Dotty at my birth was when the midwife told me to make my lips loose like a horse when I moaned and Dotty kept making jokes about how excited Conrad would be if I gave birth to a little mini horse.... I laughed so hard I about cried. We kept saying I was giving birth to a baby centaur....) It felt good to have a big belly laugh between contractions. Her job was mostly just being there to pray and encourage me. She was a great part of my birth team.

The tub was almost ready and I was excited to get into it. I needed some relief. As soon as I stepped into the tub and sat down into the warm water, I began to cry because it felt so amazing and instantly took the pain away.

I labored in the tub moaning through contractions for about an hour with Carrington at my side feeding me spoonfuls of honey, giving me sips of cold water every few minutes and wiping my neck and forehead with ice cold rags that she kept dipping into an ice bucket that was on the floor in front of me. I asked Dustin to get into the tub with me at this point. I told Carrington that this was the hardest thing I've ever done and she said, "Well honey, that's why it's called labor. But this pain is beautiful Chelsea. God created our bodies to endure this labor for a reason. You're going to look back at this and realize all of the little things he was busy teaching you through your birth.... I promise, you will be addicted to this pain when it's all over." She kept whispering over and over affirmations about who god is and who I am and how capable I am. She'd say, "After this is all over, there will be nothing you can't accomplish." And, "This is going to change you in ways you never imagined it could." She was my birth guardian. I couldn't have done it without her. While in the tub, because my mouth was so sugary from the apple juice and honey, I requested to brush my teeth which made me feel so much better. I think I was in transition for about 3 hours or so.

During my next contraction, I felt my stomach flex and it caught me by surprise. I looked at Marcie and said, "I just pushed! What the hell? Am I supposed to be pushing right now? Is this normal?" (Marcie never once gave me a vaginal exam. She said that she didn't think it would help me to know how far I was dilated. What if I had done all of this work, and was in labor for hours but only dilated to a 4?) When she arrived though, she said that by the way I was acting, she thought I was probably about at a 6 or further. She just kept telling me to listen to my body, keep going and not worry about dialation. Every time she checked the baby's heart beat, it was loud and fast, so I wasn't worried at all. There wasn't a single time during my labor where I doubted myself or said I wanted to go to the hospital. I never said, "I can't do this!" I never thought about uterine rupture. I never had an ounce of fear. The only thing I could do was get through the next rush and was thankful for the breaks in between them when I could rest. I just had to focus on making it through the contractions. I had prepared myself for a very long labor and a very painful labor.

April, my midwife, arrived and knelt down beside me. Dustin said that as she entered the room, she had this attitude of confidence about her that all of us just fed off of. She wasn't panicked or alarmed, she just assessed where I was at in labor and encouraged me. She held my hand and told me I was doing amazing. She kept saying how strong I was.

My contractions were extremely close together and without anyone telling me to "push" my body just started pushing and I had to push along with it. I was squatting on the side of the tub holding onto the edge and I'd bite a towel, grab onto Carrington's shoulders and bury my head into her neck, hold her hand and just bare down as much as I could. Each time I had a contraction, I could feel my body pushing and urging me to push with it to get the baby out. I didn't expect to yell as loud as I did. I felt like Tyler from Vampire Diaries when he's going through his transformation.... My throat was on fire from yelling. Thank god for the honey and sips of cold water between pushing! (I pushed for an hour and twenty six minutes total which was fine because the baby was slowly making it's way out and stretching the tissue.) I can't imagine yelling like I yelled had I been in a hospital. I'm sure my neighbors would have called the cops thinking surely I was being murdered had I not told them ahead of time!

The backs of my legs were cramping up so badly that the midwife asked me to turn onto my back and try pushing that way to give my legs a rest. As I turned over, I saw my water bag in between my legs. It finally had broken toward the end of the pushing stage. April had a handful of olive oil that she used to lubricate my perineum. She gently put a little on me and It felt nice. Dotty grabbed one leg and squeezed it and Dustin grabbed the other to help get the cramps out. During the next contraction, I remember feeling the "ring of fire" and shouting, "OH SHIT! OH SHIT! It hurts! It burns! Make it stop!!!!!!! Oh Jesus! Get this baby out of me now!" Then I hear gasping and tears. I look over at Dustin and his lip is quivering. April had a flash light shinning so she could see what the baby was doing. I looked down and saw little blond hair floating under the water between my legs. I reached down and touched her head and then before I knew it another contraction came and I had to grab back onto Dotty and Dustin's shoulders for support. The top of the head was coming out. Everyone was quiet but I could hear people starting to cry. I was instructed to wait for the next rush before I pushed the baby out so that I wouldn't tear.

I felt the next rush coming and bared down. The head came out all the way and I started to panic. I was breathing really fast and April said I needed to relax, she showed me how to breathe, I mimicked her breathing, she said I needed to wait for the next contraction and then push the rest of our baby out. There was no cord wrapped around her neck, she looked great, I just needed to push her slowly so I didn't tear. The next rush came and I pushed her all the way out, I put my hands between her arm pits and grabbed onto her bringing her up from under the water. The midwife knew how important it was for Dustin and I to catch our baby and she respected our wishes (she actually encourages parents to catch the baby if they wish to.) I instantly began crying, Dustin was crying, everyone was crying. I kept telling our baby how much I loved her, I thanked her for coming so quickly and I couldn't stop crying. She just blinked and stared into my eyes. She didn't cry, she was just the most peaceful little baby in the whole world. She was perfectly pink. No one needed to resuscitate her, or give her oxygen or stick anything down her throat to suck stuff out. She was just so alert and sweet. (She was born at 1:04 in the afternoon which put me in labor for about 8 hours from start to finish.) We talked to her for a good two minutes until someone shouted, "What is it?" and I remember saying, "Should we look?" I think I was nervous to check. Then I lifted her out of the water and saw her little lady parts! Our baby was a girl! I was so shocked and surprised that she was a girl because I just knew she would be a boy.

We sat in the tub for about 15 minutes with our baby. Everyone in the room sort of gave us privacy and walked into the kitchen, which was nice. The midwife came back over and fed me a cup of yogurt and gave me some ibuprofen. She then made sure the baby's chord had stopped pulsing completely and handed Dustin the scissors to cut it. He cut the chord and went to take a shower while Elliotte (who still hadn't been named) and I got out of the tub and went to take an herbal bath together. She still hadn't cried. She was just so happy and content. It was nice to have her first bath together.

After about a half hour or so we got out we joined Dustin in bed to relax and Elliotte latched to nurse for the first time. April brought me toast and coconut water to drink. Marcie put in a load of towels. The birth tub company had been called to come clean everything up. Everyone was busy helping us get settled with our new baby. April showed Dustin how to weigh the baby and it took about 35 minutes for Marcie and April to complete Elliotte's new born exam. We spent a while in bed talking and deciding on her name as she was being measured and looked over.

Dotty had picked up a birthday cake for Elliotte with a number "0" candle. We all sang her happy birthday to the birthday girl. Everyone except for the midwives had left shortly after that then they gave me my exam to see how my lady parts tolerated Elliotte's delivery. I had a teeny tiny tear that didn't require stitches. Everything went so smoothly and beautifully.

What I loved about laboring at home was that I was surrounded by woman who love me and who were there to encourage me, pray for me, hold my hand, massage my back, dry my tears, give me sips of water, wipe my head, stroke my hair and no one ever had a worried look on their face. They just knew I could do it. No one doubted me. I didn't doubt me. I was prepared for the "pain." I wasn't hooked up to any machines or IV's. There was not a single intervention done. I was told to listen to my body and go with my instincts. I felt more powerful during labor than I've ever felt in my entire life. When I reached down into the water to grab my baby, all of the pain instantly left my memory and she was all that mattered. I loved the whole process of preparing for her birth. My visits with the April, my midwife were so healing and empowering. I loved that she cared about educating me and preparing my heart, body, mind and soul for birthing my baby.

(Dustin's cry face is the best.) 

Photos taken by Roberta rae photography. More photos to come in the next week or so. 

We are so in love with our baby girl. She is doing so well. I am SO thankful that the Lord gave me back what was stolen from me when I birthed my first baby. He redeemed my birth experience back to me and I can't take credit for being "strong." He was totally my strength. He kept my mind focused and not wondering off thinking about the "what if's." He sustained me through each hour and allowed me to birth her just as he promised He would.

Every single thing I prayed for during my pregnancy was given to me. I prayed that she would turn and not be breech and she turned. I prayed that I wouldn't be "border line" diabetic with this pregnancy and I was totally healthy (I credit the Bradley diet). I never got pre-eclampsia when VBAC mom's have a 45% higher chance of getting it, and if you get it, you have no choice but to have a repeat cesarean. I tested negative for step B when last time I had it. She didn't get stuck coming out, she wasn't in danger, she was perfectly safe and I got to birth her at home without FEAR. Her birth was by far the best experience I've ever had. The best day of my life, as cheesy as that sounds.

When everyone left, I told Dustin that I felt like God was shaking his head at me, smiling, saying, "You silly little girl, Chelsea. You thought I wouldn't give you the desires of your heart....I gave you MORE than you ever imagined I would. How dare you doubt me, or doubt my love for you!" That was a humbling moment for me.

She is sleeping well and nursing like a champ. We couldn't be happier. 

Allow Me To Introduce You To:

Our baby GIRL Elliotte! 

She was born yesterday, at home, after 8 hours of labor. 

She weighs 6lbs 13oz and is 19 inches long. 

We are still reliving our precious baby girls birth and can't stop talking about
how incredible it was to be surrounded by so much love and support.
Thank you for all of the prayers.  

I'm gunna go snuggle my little girl!