"I Will Bring Her Into The Wilderness & Speak Tenderly To Her."

{An Elle sandwich} 

When I was preparing to meet my darling Elle, I feel like I had never heard the lord speak so clearly to my heart than ever before in my entire life as a christian. Those months were so precious to me. I ate up every word he spoke and depended on the utterances of the Holy spirit like I never had in my life. I heard his voice. It was raw. It was tender. It was almost "new" to me in a way. I have sweet memories of the summer sun shinning onto my very large belly as I soaked in the bath and read my books about childbirth. I would always open the curtains completely to get the fullness of what the sun had to offer. I loved the way the beads of water would run down my belly as I collected some water in my hand and let my hand hang limp over my belly and drop water over it, watching it trickle back down into the water. I loved watching the gigantic waves of water crash up over my skin as she hiccuped inside of me making tidal waves as I soaked in the water.... Those moments of solitude, just her and I were so dear to me. I was so ministered to by God during those times. All I can say was that he spoke and his voice was undeniable. I feel like I never quite had a "connection" so to speak, with my baby (not knowing her name or sex) it's like God planned for it to be like that. I was forced to get to know HIM better, to fall more in love with him, rather than with my baby. Maybe that's why the first time we met, I was so overcome with emotion?

Our nightly pillow talk about what the Lord was describing to me or what he was confirming to me about my birth with Elle was what gave Dustin the faith to believe God for what he had for us. Without that, Dustin wouldn't have had the faith to deliver our baby at home. When God spoke my ears perked up! He made my eyes pop open with revelation during prayer. I couldn't deny his power or his voice. I remember crying so hard during worship that my stomach would tremble-I shook in the midst of his presence. I feared Him. I feared him because I could sense his goodness, his might, his hunger for justice, his truth. I FEARED Him. I feared what he was capable of. I knew his promises were good. My "fear" was awe. I was in complete awe of Him throughout my pregnancy. I heard him whisper into my ear during those precious months. Sometimes his tone was a tone of frustration, almost angry at times (my moments of doubt). During conversations with friends, He would use them to confirm truth to me. All of this is to say, I had never felt so close or so sure of who He was or what I was capable of than when I was pregnant with Elle. She has changed me in a monumental way.

The first time I was alone with Him after she was born, I was taking a bath and Dustin told me to read Hosea ch 1 & 2 (Read it. It's good stuff.) You know when you read the bible and the words just JUMP off of the pages and slap you in the face or hug you in the best way possible or when the words are like salve on a open-gaping-throbbing wound? That's what those two chapters were to me all at once. I felt like He was rejoicing with me over my victory and he was drawing me into a private celebration but also he was romancing me and in a very "real" way, holding me in a sweet embrace over what HE did through Elle's delivery. Blah, blah, blah, I could go on and on and on about her birth and whatnot. But whatever, you get it. It was crazy-awesome-sauce and I want to have like ten more babies (but I wont.) But i want to..... (but I wont.)

In the last few weeks, I've been experiencing this sort of numbness, or depression, or fog, or defeat yatayata. It's sucked ballz. I sit in Elle's room with her at night feeding her before she goes down for the night and want to pray but can't. It's like my heart can't even conjure up words to speak. I just stare at the neon fish that are projected on the ceiling and listen to the fake "rain" sounds that her sound machine makes to drown out her brother playing in the living room. I want to feel something but can't lately. I'm not sad, I don't feel empty, I just feel strangely numb.

I asked a few of my more "natural-ish" moms what I can do to get the blues to go away and a few of their ideas made me laugh. Most of them said to exercise, take some supplements that I had been lacking, and most of them suggested sex! Ha! Another friend said to get me some Jesus in my soul! That seemed to be the simplest of them all to do but was my last choice. It's like, you can do all of those things, (supplements, sex, running) and they help, but if you don't go right to the source of what can truly fill you up than you'll never feel whole. None of that other methods will heal that fog/depression/numbness. They're like band aids. It's totally like me to want to grab for everything else before I grab what actually works. Jesus!

Someone told me once that when you don't have words to pray, don't. Just sit and listen. Ask for his presence to linger as you sit and wait. So that's what I've been doing. I've been recalling his goodness, his faithfulness, I've been thanking instead of asking. I've had quite the break through in the last week or so in rearguard's to my mood. I'm hungry for his voice to be as clear as it was when I was pregnant. So that's where I am. The fog is being lifted. God is good... all the time.

 {Elle, distracted by the dim light in her room before her nightly meal.}