Tuesday, December 13

"I Will Bring Her Into The Wilderness & Speak Tenderly To Her."

{An Elle sandwich} 

When I was preparing to meet my darling Elle, I feel like I had never heard the lord speak so clearly to my heart than ever before in my entire life as a christian. Those months were so precious to me. I ate up every word he spoke and depended on the utterances of the Holy spirit like I never had in my life. I heard his voice. It was raw. It was tender. It was almost "new" to me in a way. I have sweet memories of the summer sun shinning onto my very large belly as I soaked in the bath and read my books about childbirth. I would always open the curtains completely to get the fullness of what the sun had to offer. I loved the way the beads of water would run down my belly as I collected some water in my hand and let my hand hang limp over my belly and drop water over it, watching it trickle back down into the water. I loved watching the gigantic waves of water crash up over my skin as she hiccuped inside of me making tidal waves as I soaked in the water.... Those moments of solitude, just her and I were so dear to me. I was so ministered to by God during those times. All I can say was that he spoke and his voice was undeniable. I feel like I never quite had a "connection" so to speak, with my baby (not knowing her name or sex) it's like God planned for it to be like that. I was forced to get to know HIM better, to fall more in love with him, rather than with my baby. Maybe that's why the first time we met, I was so overcome with emotion?

Our nightly pillow talk about what the Lord was describing to me or what he was confirming to me about my birth with Elle was what gave Dustin the faith to believe God for what he had for us. Without that, Dustin wouldn't have had the faith to deliver our baby at home. When God spoke my ears perked up! He made my eyes pop open with revelation during prayer. I couldn't deny his power or his voice. I remember crying so hard during worship that my stomach would tremble-I shook in the midst of his presence. I feared Him. I feared him because I could sense his goodness, his might, his hunger for justice, his truth. I FEARED Him. I feared what he was capable of. I knew his promises were good. My "fear" was awe. I was in complete awe of Him throughout my pregnancy. I heard him whisper into my ear during those precious months. Sometimes his tone was a tone of frustration, almost angry at times (my moments of doubt). During conversations with friends, He would use them to confirm truth to me. All of this is to say, I had never felt so close or so sure of who He was or what I was capable of than when I was pregnant with Elle. She has changed me in a monumental way.

The first time I was alone with Him after she was born, I was taking a bath and Dustin told me to read Hosea ch 1 & 2 (Read it. It's good stuff.) You know when you read the bible and the words just JUMP off of the pages and slap you in the face or hug you in the best way possible or when the words are like salve on a open-gaping-throbbing wound? That's what those two chapters were to me all at once. I felt like He was rejoicing with me over my victory and he was drawing me into a private celebration but also he was romancing me and in a very "real" way, holding me in a sweet embrace over what HE did through Elle's delivery. Blah, blah, blah, I could go on and on and on about her birth and whatnot. But whatever, you get it. It was crazy-awesome-sauce and I want to have like ten more babies (but I wont.) But i want to..... (but I wont.)

In the last few weeks, I've been experiencing this sort of numbness, or depression, or fog, or defeat yatayata. It's sucked ballz. I sit in Elle's room with her at night feeding her before she goes down for the night and want to pray but can't. It's like my heart can't even conjure up words to speak. I just stare at the neon fish that are projected on the ceiling and listen to the fake "rain" sounds that her sound machine makes to drown out her brother playing in the living room. I want to feel something but can't lately. I'm not sad, I don't feel empty, I just feel strangely numb.

I asked a few of my more "natural-ish" moms what I can do to get the blues to go away and a few of their ideas made me laugh. Most of them said to exercise, take some supplements that I had been lacking, and most of them suggested sex! Ha! Another friend said to get me some Jesus in my soul! That seemed to be the simplest of them all to do but was my last choice. It's like, you can do all of those things, (supplements, sex, running) and they help, but if you don't go right to the source of what can truly fill you up than you'll never feel whole. None of that other methods will heal that fog/depression/numbness. They're like band aids. It's totally like me to want to grab for everything else before I grab what actually works. Jesus!

Someone told me once that when you don't have words to pray, don't. Just sit and listen. Ask for his presence to linger as you sit and wait. So that's what I've been doing. I've been recalling his goodness, his faithfulness, I've been thanking instead of asking. I've had quite the break through in the last week or so in rearguard's to my mood. I'm hungry for his voice to be as clear as it was when I was pregnant. So that's where I am. The fog is being lifted. God is good... all the time.
 {Elle, distracted by the dim light in her room before her nightly meal.} 

14 comments:

  1. this post spoke to me. i'm right there. no words to pray. like there's some kind of wall. you put the words of my heart right out there. and it's nice to hear someone i can relate to. God is good. all the time. and i can't wait for this fog to be lifted.

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  2. Molly~ hey sweet girl! How's the newest addition?? I need to stop over and see that little stinker!

    (we, as new mom's have to remember that it's partly a hormonal issue, but STILL we can pray that god lifts the fog and helps us have victory over these crazy moods/depression/numbness! I'm praying that for you today.

    You totally are NOT alone! Juggling it all is a tough job. <3

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  3. i can totally relate to this! god has spoken so sweetly to me like that during pregnancy before (also making me want to have a bajillion babies... haha), and he is actually speaking like that to me again in this season and I am BLOWN AWAY! I am also finally understanding a healthy FEAR of the Lord, and have felt compelled by him to read Hosea lately, but I haven't gotten around to it yet.... I'm off to do it now! I will be interceding for you tonight- that God would sweep you off your feet again... oh, how he loves you!

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  4. Hugs to you and a prayer that God draws you close to Him...just to be with him. To feel Him.

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  5. :) This makes me happy. Glad you're breaking through. I'm finding the hardest thing for me is to just buckle down and do what I don't feel like doing - be it praying, worshipping, running, taking my supplements, or even just choosing to smile. Sometimes depression becomes a habit and I have to choose to climb out of that hole. I love seeing and learning from what God is doing in your life!

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  6. I love this.
    I also wanted to tell you that I was cleared for my VBAC and I'm 35.5 weeks! I read your birth story often (totally creepy I know) and it gives me a lot of peace that I'm not the ONLY woman in the world to try a natural birth after cesarean.

    Thinking of you and praying for you--God IS good all the time!

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  7. PS. I think its unfair you pull off such bold lipstick. I might have to be even more of a creeper and buy some! :)

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  8. What Holly said! Ha ;]
    Sister, this made me ache for you, those times of numbness are difficult, frustrating, and seemingly endless at times. Know that the Lord treasures you as your daughter and will be there to woo you soon Chelsea, glad the fog is lifting <3

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  9. this is so so beautiful. I'm so glad I stopped by to read your wonderful thoughts. God is always there for us and so glad we have him to carry us through.

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  10. Very beautiful post as always. I've been feeling numb lately too. I didn't think it was okay to 'just listen' (i.e. I never thought of it), so I've been doing NOTHING about it. Reading your words, a tiny little bit of me went 'OOooh! Oooh! You NEED that!'

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  11. i want to hear Him like that, feeling that 'don't have the words to say' mentality lately. this is beautiful, and inspiring. thank you. off to read hosea.

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  12. I have not been having any sort of quiet time recently and it affects my heart. Thanks for this reminder. Glad to hear you made a break through.

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