In A {Really} Good Place:

We're nearing the home stretch here folks! I'm 38-ish weeks this week! 

Thank God it's almost over! 

{I'm SO ready for it to be OVER!}

I thought I'd share where I am right now, where my heart is at this point before I have this baby
 and share a few photos....since I haven't posted a blog in a while.

Last week when my midwife checked me, I was already dilating, my cervix was feeling soft and she said she wouldn't be surprised if I had this baby early! I'm hoping to go into labor at 39 weeks but I'm prepared for 42 weeks, but praying for 39. Eeeekkk! We've been doing a ton of walking, stretching, squatting, birth ball sitting, raspberry leaf tea drinking, practicing relaxation daily and visualizing a peaceful, complication free birth. Mostly though, I'm just waiting on the Lord and prepared for whatever He's got in store for me. I've been going through a process of letting go of my desire to be in "control" and not putting any sort of expectations at all on myself or the baby's birth. I know I need to surrender to my birth and not hold so tightly onto any sort of expectations, knowing how unpredictable it can be. That being said, I am also expecting the Lord to do great things and I am VERY excited.

Through this  process of releasing my control, It seems as though the Lord is giving me one topic to ponder (infant mortality, a child with disabilities, a child with *my strong willed, opinionated personality! A repeat cesarean, trusting my husband to be able to comfort me & say the things that will help bring me encouragement in labor, and trusting my body). NO ONE ELSE is having this baby but me! I have to trust myself and have confidence. Each week I seem to be pondering a new topic or conquering a new fear. One by one, I'm handing them over to the Lord to deal with, to dissolve the fear, bring me peace, discipline me, heal me & show me His love. After one topic has been dealt with, tears have been shed and prayers have been prayed I get handed another "what if" to consider. Something new to learn to trust Jesus with.

He's also given me a ton of really great things to consider other than the scary "what if's".

At church a few weeks back during worship, i was praying for the birth and I felt as if he was saying to me, "Haven't I given you everything else you've asked? I.am.capable Chelsea. Trust me." Then during our walk today, I was also praying for the baby & birth again and noticed how gloomy it was out and how thankful I was to walk in gloomy weather rather than walking painfully up the hill as the hot Vegas weather beat on us! It started to rain and I remembered how Dustin said that he would love for it to thunder and storm during our birth (being that we're in monsoon season!) Then I started to giggle imagining God giving us rain on the baby's birthday and how sweet that would be of him. I was praying out loud and praising god saying, "Thank you Jesus for this rain! For this beautiful walk!" and when we got into the car, Conrad kept saying, "Dank you, Deezus for da yayn!" as it beat on the windshield. I just kept crying and laughing. They're like little parrots at this age, I swear. What a great gift that rain was.

At the beginning of my pregnancy, I was still wrestling with how we were going to birth this baby as I was considering attempting a VBAC, I was really anxious about it. Will I rupture? Is it safe? What if this? what if that.... During a woman's worship service, in the beginning of it as we were singing, I was praying about uterine rupture and about this strong desire of mine to not be cut open again, and immediately I got this picture in my mind, an image of God's hands woven tightly around my uterus holding it securely, preventing it from rupturing. I immediately fell to pieces. Just at that moment my girlfriend Dotty put her hand on my stomach and leaned over towards me so I could hear as she prayed for our baby and birth. That affirmed to me that my heart was in alignment with God's and that's when I started getting really serious about delivering the baby at home. I realized that he cares about my desires. Dotty had no idea that the Lord had given me that little picture of his hands holding my uterus. She probably had no idea what I was praying for at that moment. That was another sweet reminder that he is in control. Not me. And He could be trusted.

Part of this process has actually been quite painful at times. It's painful to realize, when He, In his great love for me convicts me of my pride, my desire to take control and do it MY way and when he shows me my arrogance. When god holds up a mirror to me, showing me how ugly my sin is, how it grieves him, it's freeing when it's handed over and I'm no longer captive to it. I'm no longer a prisoner to it. That's the thing though, birth is SO unpredictable. If I don't lay down my desires before my god and my will, pursuing his greater plan, In the long run, I'll be disappointed with the outcome. His way is better than my way. And he cares about my heart being right. He also cares about my desires and has given me nothing but affirmation after affirmation to birth our baby at home. I have to rest in that.

There are greater things to be dealt with right now in my heart than the fear of baby being "too big to fit" or the pain being too much. My friend told me this week, "If you have to go to the hospital because it hurts too bad and you want the epidural, just get it! No one gets a purple heart for laboring naturally!" I know it will be too much to bare. On my own, the pain will be too much, but asking that my heart of stone would be replaced with a heart of flesh, having ears that are sensitive to God and being teachable through all of this is so vital, I'm realizing. I'm prepared for the pain. Another friend who delivered her baby at home told me that pain purifies the heart. Pain shouldn't be feared. She said that she kept repeating, "This pain brings life!" During her labor. I like that phrase.

And I will give them a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in them; and I will take the heart of stone out of their flesh and give them a heart of flesh. Ezekiel 11:19 

It's funny the things people say to you before you're about to have a baby. OR before you're about to attempt a home birth. They think It's so crazy to opt out of drugs, but woman have been birthing babies  without drugs for how long now? I certainly have nothing against epidurals. They often help a mother rest who is exhausted, epidurals can help her dilate and relax when they're done properly and she still has sensation, the use of forceps and vacuums don't need to be used when they're done properly. So epidurals aren't "bad" but the whole thought of being numb and not feeling my butt and only knowing when I'm having a contractions by looking at a monitor to tell me seems counterproductive (for me). Another friend recently told me that she's not a "big fan of pain." She's not a masochist like me. (Her words.) But does experiencing natural child birth and being able to feel what your baby is doing, being able to responding to your baby mean that you're a masochist? I certainly don't enjoy pain. I pop a Tylenol at the first sign of a head ache, believe me, I'm no fan of pain. 

Someone recently said to me, "Wow, you're SO brave for doing what you're doing." I wrestled with that statement for a moment and thought, "You know what? I AM brave!" There is no fear attached to my birth this time, there is no one to blame or be responsible for having this baby, it's all me. No one will force me to go against my intuition or instincts. I'll listen to my body, to my baby, to my god, to my midwife, follow the lead of my husband and as a team, we will work together to bring this baby into the world as gently and peacefully as possible. I like that definition of bravery. I trust that if we have to go to the hospital for whatever reason, it will be a great experience either way. I've come to peace about this topic as well.

I've really come to peace with this whole thing. It feels good. I feel like I'm at a really comfortable, confident place and I'm ready to surrender my will fully. There's nothing I want more than to give this baby the gift of a peaceful entrance into this world.

{Photos Credit}