I love dreaming about the baby's sweet little lips and wrinkly butt!

I went to the doctor yesterday for my 15 week check up to see how the little bean was doing, get blood taken, get my exam and talk about the financial stuff. When it was time to check the heart beat, I was SO excited. I haven't felt any movement yet and sometimes I forget that I'm even pregnant, so hearing the heartbeat is like my little connection to the baby. The doc was looking for the baby's heart beat for what seemed like an eternity. He kept searching and searching, he'd look at me and smile, he felt my uterus to see how many weeks I was measuring, and then he said he was going to get the ultrasound machine out because "this baby's making me work today!!" Conrad's doctor never took this long to find the heart beat. I'd never experienced that agonizing waiting, searching, wondering before.

When he left the room, I sat there and thought, "What IF there isn't a heart beat?" I was preparing myself for the what if, and usually, I would have had tears in my eyes, my heart would have started racing in panic and I would have been shaking like a leaf, but immediately in that moment, I felt an indescribable peace come over me and I stopped thinking about the "What IF'S" and thought, "I'm going to accept whatever happens." I took a deep breath and waited for the Doctor.

He rolled the little machine in and right away I saw our little baby's legs kicking away! I was relieved. The doctor zoomed in on the heart and stayed on it for a while. As I was focusing on the heart, He was smiling, telling me what a miracle this baby was-which then, started making me cry! *Have I told you how much I love my doctor? He's incredible. The doctor zoomed in on the baby's sweet little alien face and I saw our baby put it's hands up by it's eyes which made me squeal and kick my legs. It was so stinking cute! I was dying! The doc was laughing and I could tell that he really loved his job.

After I got the goop off of my stomach and sat up, I asked him exactly what the next step would have been today had we not found a heart beat (a question my mother thinks was totally morbid to ask...) Maybe it is a bit morbid, I just wanted to know realistically what the next step was going to be! We talked about it for a while and it felt good to be in the know and not be clueless. He was very sensitive about the conversation.

You know how you hear things like "God is good!" OR "God loves you!" and all of those generic but true statements? I had a little epiphany this week about one of those generic but true statements. During worship at our woman's bible study, the lady up front was talking about how, "God works out everything in our lives for our good and for His glory." Even the most painful of things, (like miscarriages) that what the enemy would intend for evil-God intends for good. Satan would LOVE to see us curl up under a rock and stay there for years, not experiencing grace, not experiencing love or healing from the pain we've experienced, but stay there in that depression forever, cursing God, asking "Why me?!". I felt like I was hearing this truth for the first time-that even bad things, god uses FOR MY GOOD. Instead of curling up under a rock when bad things happen, I can receive peace in my heart knowing that God is going to take that horrible situation and turn it around for my benefit, for my good because my heart belongs to Christ Jesus. Even in my darkest of days, I will see his goodness!

Recently, I was having a conversation with my dad and he said the most profound thing. I was telling him about the night he received Christ and how powerful that was for me when we prayed. He immediately started naming off what God has done in his life since then, all of the blessings and miracles he's gotten to witness in his finances and at work and in his health and then he looked at me and said, "Had your sister never died, I don't think I would have become a christian." (My sister committed suicide six years ago and shortly after, my parents both gave their lives to Christ.) That statement was SO profound me to because out of something so utterly painful, he got to see God turn it around for his good. His life was changed because of his relationship with Jesus, but Satan would have loved to see my dad's life spiral out of control and watch him writhe in pain for years and years. God's intentions were to heal my dad and set him free.

I stood there at church, during worship absorbing this truth, that God will use every situation for my good, thinking about my birth with this baby, thinking about the "what if's" and I felt so peaceful and secure. I felt like he was telling me that He was going before me with my birth, he was setting me up for success, NOT another c-section, NOT a failed attempt at delivering my baby, NOT death and despair, NOT to enter my birth with a heart of fear but to anticipate his activity and anticipate being blessed by my birth. (I have a friend who has had a successful natural vaginal birth without medical intervention who has been praying for weeks that the Lord would reveal this stuff to me and work on my heart as far as this baby and birth are concerned. I told her yesterday about what the Lord was teaching me and she told me she had been praying that I'd receive those things for weeks. Thanks Mae!)

I was sharing with my mother in law yesterday about my Dr. visit and she asked me if I was freaking out as the Doctor went to get the ultrasound machine and I said no, I wasn't going to let it rock my world. If something happened, I would be sad and probably horribly wrecked for a good long while, but I would rather God have his way in my life than me getting my way-If my way isn't in his plan. I want HIM to set the path for my feet to go, not me.

Last night I was telling Dustin that what I'm most excited for is to put our little baby in soft, clean white onesies and cuddle him/her. I can't wait to nurse my baby and hold it.

I love dreaming about the baby's sweet little lips and wrinkly butt!

{Conrad enjoying his morning spinach shake with mama.} 

 {Conrad, Logan & I taking a group picture together}
....I babysit Logan on Mondays.

{Weekly Surf + Give-a-way winner below}