Friday, February 18

I love dreaming about the baby's sweet little lips and wrinkly butt!

I went to the doctor yesterday for my 15 week check up to see how the little bean was doing, get blood taken, get my exam and talk about the financial stuff. When it was time to check the heart beat, I was SO excited. I haven't felt any movement yet and sometimes I forget that I'm even pregnant, so hearing the heartbeat is like my little connection to the baby. The doc was looking for the baby's heart beat for what seemed like an eternity. He kept searching and searching, he'd look at me and smile, he felt my uterus to see how many weeks I was measuring, and then he said he was going to get the ultrasound machine out because "this baby's making me work today!!" Conrad's doctor never took this long to find the heart beat. I'd never experienced that agonizing waiting, searching, wondering before.

When he left the room, I sat there and thought, "What IF there isn't a heart beat?" I was preparing myself for the what if, and usually, I would have had tears in my eyes, my heart would have started racing in panic and I would have been shaking like a leaf, but immediately in that moment, I felt an indescribable peace come over me and I stopped thinking about the "What IF'S" and thought, "I'm going to accept whatever happens." I took a deep breath and waited for the Doctor.

He rolled the little machine in and right away I saw our little baby's legs kicking away! I was relieved. The doctor zoomed in on the heart and stayed on it for a while. As I was focusing on the heart, He was smiling, telling me what a miracle this baby was-which then, started making me cry! *Have I told you how much I love my doctor? He's incredible. The doctor zoomed in on the baby's sweet little alien face and I saw our baby put it's hands up by it's eyes which made me squeal and kick my legs. It was so stinking cute! I was dying! The doc was laughing and I could tell that he really loved his job.

After I got the goop off of my stomach and sat up, I asked him exactly what the next step would have been today had we not found a heart beat (a question my mother thinks was totally morbid to ask...) Maybe it is a bit morbid, I just wanted to know realistically what the next step was going to be! We talked about it for a while and it felt good to be in the know and not be clueless. He was very sensitive about the conversation.

You know how you hear things like "God is good!" OR "God loves you!" and all of those generic but true statements? I had a little epiphany this week about one of those generic but true statements. During worship at our woman's bible study, the lady up front was talking about how, "God works out everything in our lives for our good and for His glory." Even the most painful of things, (like miscarriages) that what the enemy would intend for evil-God intends for good. Satan would LOVE to see us curl up under a rock and stay there for years, not experiencing grace, not experiencing love or healing from the pain we've experienced, but stay there in that depression forever, cursing God, asking "Why me?!". I felt like I was hearing this truth for the first time-that even bad things, god uses FOR MY GOOD. Instead of curling up under a rock when bad things happen, I can receive peace in my heart knowing that God is going to take that horrible situation and turn it around for my benefit, for my good because my heart belongs to Christ Jesus. Even in my darkest of days, I will see his goodness!

Recently, I was having a conversation with my dad and he said the most profound thing. I was telling him about the night he received Christ and how powerful that was for me when we prayed. He immediately started naming off what God has done in his life since then, all of the blessings and miracles he's gotten to witness in his finances and at work and in his health and then he looked at me and said, "Had your sister never died, I don't think I would have become a christian." (My sister committed suicide six years ago and shortly after, my parents both gave their lives to Christ.) That statement was SO profound me to because out of something so utterly painful, he got to see God turn it around for his good. His life was changed because of his relationship with Jesus, but Satan would have loved to see my dad's life spiral out of control and watch him writhe in pain for years and years. God's intentions were to heal my dad and set him free.

I stood there at church, during worship absorbing this truth, that God will use every situation for my good, thinking about my birth with this baby, thinking about the "what if's" and I felt so peaceful and secure. I felt like he was telling me that He was going before me with my birth, he was setting me up for success, NOT another c-section, NOT a failed attempt at delivering my baby, NOT death and despair, NOT to enter my birth with a heart of fear but to anticipate his activity and anticipate being blessed by my birth. (I have a friend who has had a successful natural vaginal birth without medical intervention who has been praying for weeks that the Lord would reveal this stuff to me and work on my heart as far as this baby and birth are concerned. I told her yesterday about what the Lord was teaching me and she told me she had been praying that I'd receive those things for weeks. Thanks Mae!)

I was sharing with my mother in law yesterday about my Dr. visit and she asked me if I was freaking out as the Doctor went to get the ultrasound machine and I said no, I wasn't going to let it rock my world. If something happened, I would be sad and probably horribly wrecked for a good long while, but I would rather God have his way in my life than me getting my way-If my way isn't in his plan. I want HIM to set the path for my feet to go, not me.

Last night I was telling Dustin that what I'm most excited for is to put our little baby in soft, clean white onesies and cuddle him/her. I can't wait to nurse my baby and hold it.

I love dreaming about the baby's sweet little lips and wrinkly butt!

{Conrad enjoying his morning spinach shake with mama.} 
 {Conrad, Logan & I taking a group picture together}
....I babysit Logan on Mondays.


  1. Isn't it amazing how such a little baby can make you hold your breath over that little chugging heart? Praise God you got to see your kicking, perfectly formed, joyous baby! Bless your contentment, Chels ;]

  2. Very inspirational. You always have such an amazing way of looking at situations, I think its lovely.

    I comment a lot. :]

  3. ah, this is a great post. love it.

  4. It's amazing how God gives us grace for each situation. What a great perspective. This is encouraging because "what ifs" can be overwhelming and can take over my mind sometimes. I imagine ESPECIALLY when it will involve pregnancy. good stuff.

  5. what an amazing and encouraging post :)

  6. Chelsea you are a powerhouse of a woman :) I'm so glad you heard your babe's heartbeat...and you saw him/her move too!!! (I was like a little kid christmas morning every time I'd get an ultrasound;) And the way you handled yourself when your doctor couldn't find the heartbeat truly shows how much trust you have in God.

    Your story of your father's experience with coming to Christ was inspiring! You were exactly right...Satan would have basked in your father's sorrow, while Heavenly Father was only there to comfort him and make him a stronger man.

    Thank you for this sweet post with such wonderful perspective!!

  7. PS - oh the wrinkly bum and legs make me melt!! and babe's in tiny white onesies are pretty much the best :) Just a few more months and you'll be snuggling that little baby!! (okay...i'm getting baby hungry just thinking about all this;)

  8. I bought a fetal heart monitor while I was pregnant with Isaac (because I'm a little bit crazy) and everytime I listened to his heart I always thought "God is so good!" and now every time I check on him and he's still breathing I think "God is so good!"

    It's those things that so many people take for granted that I've become so thankful for. God's grace is so incredible and I know "good" doesn't even begin to describe it.. but most of the time I'm just speechless because of it. That He blessed us with a beautiful son after losing our other babies is such a blessing. And I have no idea why we went through what we did, but He's definitely used it for His glory!

    I will continue to pray for you and your tiny little baby. What an incredible blessing!!

  9. God is working powerfully in your life! Thank you for sharing His truths with all of us.

  10. that is HUGE that you were able to have peace in the unknown! I totally believe that the spirit of the Lord was in you... to give you peace and comfort...because HE is peace and comfort.

    thanks for sharing.

    and SO thankful that your lil miracle is ok and kicking!

  11. I totally get you. And you're right, it's one of those things you can hear a thousand times but it just needs to hit you one day or you'll never get it. I've tried and failed, at explaining this before. You, being the amazing writer you are, suceeded where I failed. You're such an inspiring, Godly woman Chelsea. I prat that you receive this life lesson without actually having to go through anything awful regarding this pregnancy. Sometimes you need to go through something, sometimes God just blesses us with the wisdom. I'm really sorry about your sister... I gathered something awful had happened but I didn't know.

  12. you are so sweet. love this post. and what a great reminder that God does have a plan for us.

    have a great weekend, friend.

  13. What an awesome post Chelsea.
    I just had a friend come over yesterday to tell me she had just had a miscarriage. We cried together and its hard to know what to say in those times, but what a gift it is to see God's grace come through even in times of suffering and "make all things new."

    So happy your baby is healthy! God is good.

  14. Awww...that is such a beautiful post and you made me all emotional. I love the way you write:) Stunning! Happy Sunday. Kisses