Wednesday, January 26

Winning The War:

Me: (as I watch TV last night and learn that Kate Hudson is 14 weeks pregnant and doesn't look pregnant AT ALL, I run into the kitchen where Dustin is minding his own business, cooking dinner....) "WHY DO ALL OF THESE PREGNANT BITCHES HAVE TO BE SO SKINNY!?" I nearly shout with Tears rolling down my face.
Dustin: "ohmygod Chels. Seriously? GET-OVER-YOURSELF!"
Me: "BUT Kate Hudson is 14 weeks..." sniffle, sob, cry, whine, moan "AND she DOESN'T even-"
Dustin (cutting me off): "Honey, You're beautiful! Stop comparing yourself. You're barely over 4ft tall and your torso it this big (leaving little space between his index finger and thumb to measure my tininess) You still shop in Gap Kids. Again, Get over yourself! You've gained 6 lbs. Don't get crazy."

I must seem so dumb to be comparing myself to Kate Hudson right? Well I am. So what. It's hard not to be hard on myself. I feel so lucky TO EVEN be pregnant at all, why should I care about weight? I should just stuff my face and enjoy it right? It doesn't work that way though folks. Often times, those teeny pregnant girls get praised for being so small. The pregnant roly poly's (me) feel fat and get the, "Is she just fat or is she pregnant?" stare all day long and it's hard to not be hard on myself! I had a friend once tell me that her friend was 5 months pregnant and "Didn't look it at all, she looked SO GOOD! It Looked like she just ate a big bowl of pasta." What does that mean? She looked so good? What's so good about that? (I curse you friend who looks like you just ate a big bowl of pasta!) Ugh. YOU AND THOSE SKINNY MATERNITY MODELS (who are probably wearing prosthetic stomachs with your twiggy little legs....You annoy me, fake pregnant models. All of you!)

I think I'm just frustrated that I had all of these high hopes of running everyday and being so fit, but the truth is, this first trimester has been hard! At night, I just want to rest and do nothing. Last night I was craving tomato sauce so I got up at 10:00 pm and made myself some angel hair pasta and poured that tomato sauce on (my mouth just started watering....) and went to heaven. I'm eating lots of veggie smoothies and protein but the carbs THE CARBS! It's so hard to say NO! *I want nothing more right now than to go into the cupboard and find me some tomato sauce to drink. Just sayin'.

I could blame my silly tears and my body insecurities on hormones and call it a day but I really don't think it's ALL about hormones. Sure, this baby is making me a little crazy, but I think it goes much deeper than that.

It's a spiritual thing.

If I'm feeling defeated and punched in the face repeatedly each day, it can't just be hormones. I know that a war is being waged against us. I do believe there is an enemy whose job is to steal, kill and destroy. Satan would love to knock me down and make me believe that I'm going to fail at being a mom of two. He'd love to make me believe that I'm ugly and worthless. That's how I've been feeling lately, so today, I recognized that and recognized that these thoughts are not of God and do not support what the bible says of how god views me. I love knowing that God delights in me. He FIGHTS for me when I am weak. He stands up for me when I can't stand. When I think of the word delight, I think of how I feel about Conrad. He's so beautiful, it makes my heart ache sometimes, I adore him and think he's smart and precious.... BUT I know that how God feels for me is so much bigger than that. He looks at me with the same kind of loving-adoring eyes. That makes my heart skip a beat.

The little war being waged against me was not won by my enemy today. No sir it wasn't! I won today! I decided that I was not going to let Satan steal my joy away from me. He is a liar and I can't start believing the lie that I'm worthless, fat, ugly, not smart, and a horrible mother.....These silly thoughts get in my head, and it's not truth! God will equip me in every area of my life. I just feel like some days I'm hanging on for dear life trying to do my best. I feel a sense of dependence on God that I haven't in a long time. I feel so desperate to hear from God and spend time with Him because left to myself, I'm a train wreck! Aren't we all?

OK, Maybe I'm just NOT GOOD AT BEING PREGNANT! Good thing It' only lasts for a while and then in the end I GET A BABY! Woot! woot! 

In other news, I'm TOTALLY getting a girl vibe this time. Like, this baby must be a girl. It has to be! I just have a feeling. I'm carrying differently too. With Conrad I carried right out in front and now I'm carrying ALL OVER (or maybe it's just the pasta making me round on the edges!) Whatever. I'm putting my money on a girl!

I'm SO excited to pick out a girl outfit and boy outfit and a girl name and a boy name so that when we leave the hospital, we'll get to bring our baby home in it's gender appropriate cute-soft baby outfit!It's extra fun getting to pick out two names! I'm just SO excited I can't even stand it.

Me and my little love at Whole Foods having a family date night.
Adoring my little man sandwich
Giving him a sip of soda against Dad's wishes
Having breakfast Saturday morning (Those lips!)
Conrad taking my picture with help from Dad. It's a little blurry but I like it.
Sunday afternoon at our house is spent sitting on the floor making play doh sculptures listening to Elton John's greatest hits. Dustin made a sculpture of me. We let it dry out and Conrad goes up to it and shouts, "Mommy! Mommy!"
The boys making Pregnant Gumby:
He sits up on the counter munching on chunks of frozen pineapple
as I make my breakfast smoothie.
Looks like some of it ended up on the counters above. Oops.
Then we have tickle fights, and I usually win.
When he's done having his picture taken, he shouts and makes this face at me.
Then later, as I curl my hair, he shuffles around my room in his dad's shoes.

{If you read through this whole post, high five.}


  1. your little one is so adorable!!! and you look very pretty....don't be so hard on yourself ok?

  2. I think, like everything in life, pregnancy ebs and flows. Some days, weeks, months I was all about exercising and eating perfectly. Some days, weeks, months I ate 3 cheeseburgers 3 times a day and cursed the women who had more self control than my food loving self.

    You're totally fit and hot, have been before pregnancy, will be after. I say chow down, exercise and take names and kick ass when you feel it and quit watching E! News. Kate Hudson hasn't done shit since Almost Famous anyway. Go look up pictures of Milla Jovovich when she was pregnant! That woman is a fox and she gained like 70lbs and she looks smashing now!

  3. 1. Pregnant or not (I am definitely not), we ALL fight that battle! And don't let Satan win...he's full of crap.
    2. You are gorgeous.
    3. Pregnant Gumby?!? I almost died laughing at that...that is amazing. AH-mazing.
    4. Love the photos. Conrad is freaking adorable.

  4. Chels...I just want you to know that you're teeny, tiny-ness makes you one of the cutest pregos ever. The second I heard you were pregnant, I remembered you following Isaac and I around Lake Las Vegas taking our engagement pics as you were pregnant with Conrad. We came home and couldn't stop talking about how cute you were, and how you made us so excited to get pregnant.

    My philosophy during my pregnancy was this: you're pregnant and it's one of the only times in life you can eat what you want and it's OK to gain weight!! You can lose it all after the baby is born (probably easily too because you'll have two little ones to chase after).

    So keep eating that tomato sauce, because you're cooking up a beautiful little miracle and if that's what baby wants...that is what baby gets!!

  5. Oh, ba-jee-beee-z girl... please stop being so hard on yourself. You ARE ADORABLE. and every time i look at you and your pictures, i think Gah! I wish I could be as skinny as her!!! She looks so good!!!! There I go with the comparing - why the heck do we do such things to ourselves?!! Mean. Mean. Mean.

    Enjoy your pregnancy. Enjoy every second. You have life growing inside of you and if you want to eat tomato paste or sauce or salsa -- eat it. And remember this pregnancy is here today and a baby tomorrow... only a small handful of our life is spent carrying life around in our own bodies... such a beautiful and awesome thing! don't beat yourself up. STOP. SERIOUSLY.

    but also realize while i tell you to shut the hell up, i feel ya... and would be doing the same thing!

  6. Chelsea, I know exactly how you feel. It must be the first trimester thing, for sure. I felt like maybe I don't deserve this and that and live in this lie the enemy wants me to be in.. took me awhile to fully realize.

    I love what you wrote, "I feel a sense of dependence on God that I haven't in a long time. I feel so desperate to hear from God and spend time with Him because left to myself, I'm a train wreck!" This is exactly where I was a month ago and continue to be always asking Him to draw me closer and closer to Him. So so desperate to be around Him... it's like the first time you fell in love with Him.. it's like that feeling again. I'm so glad you wrote this entry and know I can relate with someone whose felt the very same thing. Looks like you're on the right track!

  7. I ALWAYS read through all your posts. You're such a good writer.
    I love reading about the interactions between your husband and you (the more quotes, the better). And Conrad on the counter is too adorable.

  8. You are so beautiful and I hate that society makes us women doubt ourselves so much...especially during pregnancy. And two things to encourage you:

    1. Kate Hudson gained 60 pounds with her first pregnancy. She obviously enjoyed herself!

    2. I had a friend that couldn't gain weight at all during her pregnancy and looked about 4 months pregnant when she was term. She told me she was jealous of my ginormous pregnant belly. It made me laugh...and feel a little better about myself. So, think of all those women out there being jealous of your adorable (and tiny) belly!

  9. Satan SUCKS and Kate Hudson gained like 60 lbs. her first pregnancy! you look hot! Seriously you do! and your little man is adorable!!

  10. i read through the whole post! :) i love this and you're a GREAT MOM and God does DELIGHT in you!!

  11. Do you really shop at Gap Kids? HILARIOUS if it's true!

    You are as cute as can be, so don't you worry about your looks little missy!

    And I am glad you are trusting in the Lord to get you through life. It's where he wants us to be!!!

    LOL about pregnant gumby. Awesome!

  12. Chill sister. You are adorable. It's hard to remember when you feel huge and hormonal and overwhelmed. But I happen to know lots of people who would kill to look like you through their first trimester. We all go through it though. Now wish me luck losing the rest of my 65+ lbs that I gained.

    Also, you and Dustin crack me up. And Conrad makes me swoon.

  13. High five back at ya sista!

    I understand that I have told you 100 times, but honestly I adore you and Look up to you chels. Your relationship with god is so inspiring.

    I love you friend.

  14. don't be to hard on yourself! i was also determined to keep my workout routine with my second pregnancy, but lets face it, when you have a toddler and your in your first trimester it is HARD. not only is it hard, it is waaaaay more exhausting because you don't have time to just sleep as long as you want. so do what you gotta do, friend. don't worry about the extra weight (which i can't even spot in any of your pictures!!!). in the end that sweet, little baby (GIRL!?) will be in your arms and you will get into a routine and then you can worry about losing weight! though i am sure by then there won't be much weight to lose :)

  15. I love the sculptures. Girl, I bet Kate has been working her ass offx1000 and cries about how much she wishes she didn't have to work out so much to be that skinny just to keep her career. How sad is that?

    Nice hats.

  16. Thanks ladies. In the end, it's just tough not to judge your own body. You think you should be smaller than you are (I feel like with Conrad, I didn't start to POP until I was 4 months or so and it's like my uterus KNOWS what to do and pooches out there!)
    And I know that if I lost it with the first, I can lose the weight with the 2nd. It's just a little frustrating when you have NO CONTROL over your body and what it's doing!
    *I don't really shop at kids gap. That was just an exaggeration! ;) Dustin was just poking fun at me! Nothing new!

    Thanks friends for being so uplifting. I promise I wont be vain and complain the rest of the pregnancy!

  17. I'm going to "amen" everything you said about five times! Satan does get us in ways that we won't recognize his work, by making us feel fat and ugly and worthless, and that it's our fault. Well he can just stick it where the sun don't shine. (Pardon my french.) Read Psalm 27 today -- I got so excited reading it, knowing that GOD IS ON OUR SIDE. Literally, NOTHING can beat that.

    And you are totally having a girl. I mentally called it the second I found out you were pregnant. :) Are you waiting to be surprised?

  18. Chloe, you're too cute. Yes, we're waiting until the baby's born to know the sex!


  19. you guys always have such beautifully peaceful days.

  20. you are beautiful! and you WILL be a fit pregnant mama, just get through this phase. i just went back to the gym 2 weeks ago (20 weeks). i was working out an hour a day before i got pregnant, and it was really disappointing when i realized i was too sick to keep it up, but i'm through it now and back at the gym, and it feels great!

    just wanted to be a reminder of the light at the end of the first-trimester tunnel! you will still be able to do it, just might have to take a little break.

    i sympathize, though, on feeling totally out of control of your body! even when i'm exercising i have to remind myself that i'm going to keep gaining weight, no matter how much i exercise, and i'm doing it to be healthy. it's a totally different mindset.

  21. my first time commenting on one of your posts, it speaks to me as I'm currently in fat-mode lol, I'm pregnant with my third, and I'm 15 lbs heavier than I was at the start of my first pregnancy. having kids young has its advantages though, your body is def more elastic! I figure I'll allow myself to be pudgy while I'm in this build-a-family mode. You have the rest of your life to be skinny! Or skinNIER, because you are, as everyone's told you, pretty darn tiny!

    : )

  22. Hey Sasha! You're so right though about building a family and not worrying about being "skinny" I get that. With conrad after I had him I was a good 30 lbs over weight and I didn't even DREAM of working the weight off until he was about 7 months old. I just wanted to give my baby breast milk and enjoy him instead of worrying about fitting into my sexy jeans! I know what you mean. I can't wait to just love on my next one for as long as possible before I start working out again hard core.

    Thanks for the comment! <3

  23. I love that you always put it all out there. And double love your green beanie and husband's wedding ring. :)

  24. You are such a beautiful soul.

  25. big pregnant bellies = super sexy... my husband wants me to do a boudoir shoot this time around!

    There is nothing more attractive than a woman who is confident enough to love her child more than western media ideals.

    And seriously, Kate Hudson's baby will probably be some skinny little wrinkle-sack baby, not the squishy-pudgy-awesomeness you deserve.