Winning The War:

Me: (as I watch TV last night and learn that Kate Hudson is 14 weeks pregnant and doesn't look pregnant AT ALL, I run into the kitchen where Dustin is minding his own business, cooking dinner....) "WHY DO ALL OF THESE PREGNANT BITCHES HAVE TO BE SO SKINNY!?" I nearly shout with Tears rolling down my face.

Dustin: "ohmygod Chels. Seriously? GET-OVER-YOURSELF!"

Me: "BUT Kate Hudson is 14 weeks..." sniffle, sob, cry, whine, moan "AND she DOESN'T even-"

Dustin (cutting me off): "Honey, You're beautiful! Stop comparing yourself. You're barely over 4ft tall and your torso it this big (leaving little space between his index finger and thumb to measure my tininess) You still shop in Gap Kids. Again, Get over yourself! You've gained 6 lbs. Don't get crazy."

I must seem so dumb to be comparing myself to Kate Hudson right? Well I am. So what. It's hard not to be hard on myself. I feel so lucky TO EVEN be pregnant at all, why should I care about weight? I should just stuff my face and enjoy it right? It doesn't work that way though folks. Often times, those teeny pregnant girls get praised for being so small. The pregnant roly poly's (me) feel fat and get the, "Is she just fat or is she pregnant?" stare all day long and it's hard to not be hard on myself! I had a friend once tell me that her friend was 5 months pregnant and "Didn't look it at all, she looked SO GOOD! It Looked like she just ate a big bowl of pasta." What does that mean? She looked so good? What's so good about that? (I curse you friend who looks like you just ate a big bowl of pasta!) Ugh. YOU AND THOSE SKINNY MATERNITY MODELS (who are probably wearing prosthetic stomachs with your twiggy little legs....You annoy me, fake pregnant models. All of you!)

I think I'm just frustrated that I had all of these high hopes of running everyday and being so fit, but the truth is, this first trimester has been hard! At night, I just want to rest and do nothing. Last night I was craving tomato sauce so I got up at 10:00 pm and made myself some angel hair pasta and poured that tomato sauce on (my mouth just started watering....) and went to heaven. I'm eating lots of veggie smoothies and protein but the carbs THE CARBS! It's so hard to say NO! *I want nothing more right now than to go into the cupboard and find me some tomato sauce to drink. Just sayin'.

I could blame my silly tears and my body insecurities on hormones and call it a day but I really don't think it's ALL about hormones. Sure, this baby is making me a little crazy, but I think it goes much deeper than that.

It's a spiritual thing.

If I'm feeling defeated and punched in the face repeatedly each day, it can't just be hormones. I know that a war is being waged against us. I do believe there is an enemy whose job is to steal, kill and destroy. Satan would love to knock me down and make me believe that I'm going to fail at being a mom of two. He'd love to make me believe that I'm ugly and worthless. That's how I've been feeling lately, so today, I recognized that and recognized that these thoughts are not of God and do not support what the bible says of how god views me. I love knowing that God delights in me. He FIGHTS for me when I am weak. He stands up for me when I can't stand. When I think of the word delight, I think of how I feel about Conrad. He's so beautiful, it makes my heart ache sometimes, I adore him and think he's smart and precious.... BUT I know that how God feels for me is so much bigger than that. He looks at me with the same kind of loving-adoring eyes. That makes my heart skip a beat.

The little war being waged against me was not won by my enemy today. No sir it wasn't! I won today! I decided that I was not going to let Satan steal my joy away from me. He is a liar and I can't start believing the lie that I'm worthless, fat, ugly, not smart, and a horrible mother.....These silly thoughts get in my head, and it's not truth! God will equip me in every area of my life. I just feel like some days I'm hanging on for dear life trying to do my best. I feel a sense of dependence on God that I haven't in a long time. I feel so desperate to hear from God and spend time with Him because left to myself, I'm a train wreck! Aren't we all?

OK, Maybe I'm just NOT GOOD AT BEING PREGNANT! Good thing It' only lasts for a while and then in the end I GET A BABY! Woot! woot! 

In other news, I'm TOTALLY getting a girl vibe this time. Like, this baby must be a girl. It has to be! I just have a feeling. I'm carrying differently too. With Conrad I carried right out in front and now I'm carrying ALL OVER (or maybe it's just the pasta making me round on the edges!) Whatever. I'm putting my money on a girl!

I'm SO excited to pick out a girl outfit and boy outfit and a girl name and a boy name so that when we leave the hospital, we'll get to bring our baby home in it's gender appropriate cute-soft baby outfit!It's extra fun getting to pick out two names! I'm just SO excited I can't even stand it.

Me and my little love at Whole Foods having a family date night.

Adoring my little man sandwich

Giving him a sip of soda against Dad's wishes

Having breakfast Saturday morning (Those lips!)

Kisses.

Conrad taking my picture with help from Dad. It's a little blurry but I like it.

Sunday afternoon at our house is spent sitting on the floor making play doh sculptures listening to Elton John's greatest hits. Dustin made a sculpture of me. We let it dry out and Conrad goes up to it and shouts, "Mommy! Mommy!"

The boys making Pregnant Gumby:

He sits up on the counter munching on chunks of frozen pineapple

as I make my breakfast smoothie.

Looks like some of it ended up on the counters above. Oops.

Then we have tickle fights, and I usually win.

When he's done having his picture taken, he shouts and makes this face at me.

Then later, as I curl my hair, he shuffles around my room in his dad's shoes.

{If you read through this whole post, high five.}