Wednesday, January 19

I will not stay here.

This morning as I sat down to eat my 2ND bowl of Lucky Charms (baby wanted two bowls, what do you want from me!) I opened my bible as Sponge Bob blared loudly in the back ground and my toddler also enjoyed him some Lucky Charms next to me pointing and clapping at "Bob-Bob" as he referees to him. I took a deep breath and reflected on the last few days.
Have you ever felt so dirty and gross for acting a certain way? You can't forgive yourself of it and keep reliving it and going back to it wanting to punch yourself in the face for it? Whatever it is? No? Just me? I let that dirty feeling stick to me and can't shake it off sometimes. I sometimes wish I could go back have a do-over! Even if I know God's forgiven me, I still can't forgive me. Have you ever felt this way?
Ugh. I had one of those dirty situations that I couldn't shake off recently. A major "foot-in-the-mouth" experience. I won't share all of the details, but know this, the opportunity presented itself to indulge in gossip and share with a Friend some seriously juicy details about another friend and I jumped on that opportunity to share information that wasn't mine to share. It' felt damn good while I was spewing the dirt, but once the words left my mouth I FELT LIKE A TOTAL IDIOT.
I started thinking about my most personal, darkest deed, my dirtiest secret and how I would feel if others know it (a select few know my dirtiest of dirt and I'd like to keep it that way!) I began to shutter knowing that I did to someone exactly what I fear being done to me.
Sure, I know Jesus has redeemed me. There is nothing that can separate me from the Love of god. There is no shame because the past has been forgiven and it is forgotten by God. But I still remember, I don't forget what I've done or do. If someone put me on blast I'd be a little mortified.
So here I was with My God, trying not to go back to pour myself another bowl of Lucky Charms, feeling like a jerk-off, asking him to change my heart, my behavior, make me new, set my eyes upon Him instead of things of this world, & take away that dirty desire out of my heart to indulge in gossip! Gossip is like a poison. It's fun to talk trash but it never makes you feel all that good inside. Just like with anything in life that feels good at the moment. Spending all of your husbands money and going in debt, not respecting your body by over-indulging in food, looking at porn, shoplifting, or one night stands (to name a few dirty things) can be fun, but no one ever leaves feeling good about themselves. No one throws themselves a party after. You leave feeling used and UN-loved. You hate yourself for damaging your body, yourself, your relationships. It's never pretty.
One piece of encouragement that I received from the Lord today was this: You aren't going to stay here (In this state of filth). I am molding you into something greater than what you are today. For someone who puts their foot in their mouth pretty often, who hurts friends, who loses my cool all too quickly, who doesn't always care for my husband like I ought to, who gossips and is quick to indulge in the nasty things of this world rather than what God has to offer, who sins all too often..... God says to my heart, "I'm shaping you. I'm maturing you. I won't leave you like this! I will train you up, I will have you do great things. I will have my way with you." THIS IS BIG for a sinner like me.
I'm thankful that I can take a deep breath and rely on a God- have confidence in a God who promises to continue working on my heart. His mercies are new each day. Yesterday is gone and today I have the opportunity to (not put my foot in my mouth!) to show love to a friend by keeping their secrets-like I'd want them to keep mine. He restores relationships, and for that truth, I take great rest. Thank You Jesus for your goodness in my missteps through this dark world I live. Anyway. That's where I am right now. I'm standing confidently in the truth that as I stay connected to the vine-as I stay close to Him and obey, more of Jesus will be seen on the outside and less of Chelsea.

Oh, and today I wore:
*I WILL wear you skinny jeans-even if my fat spills over the top of you!
I will wear you til' you can no longer be worn!
I am reading this amazing book. The photos & information are incredible. It was written in the 70's by two highly knowledgeable doctors. I am obsessed with it. How insane is God! Seeing how this baby is being formed in my womb always draws my heart back to worshiping. It leaves me in complete awe of the miracle of creation. Go buy this book. Buy it for your pregnant friends. I promise they will enjoy every bit of it
(or think the pictures are totally creepy and weird, either way-buy it!)
Amazing right?

Psalm 139:13- For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
{I love that he's busy at work, knitting my baby together in my womb.}


  1. Oh man can I relate... gossip is so hard not to do! I am glad we are always a work in progress, God is good!
    Also, I was obssessed with that book when I was pregnant. The pictures are unreal!! So stinkin awesome.

  2. Book ordered. Thank you for the recommendation.

  3. I know exactly how you feel... we are so lucky to be so loved by our Lord and redeemed and renewed! Thanks for sharing.

    I'm having a giveaway! Check it out.

  4. great post! God is such a holy redeemer and praise God for his endless grace. You wrote a sentence in one of your blogs recently that really spoke to me "reveal my sins daily"....that phrase is always echoing through my mind. Though it's a EXTREMELY terrifying prayer to pray it's healthy to pray that God reveals our sins to us so that we can change them and not give any more power to the enemy. If our sins live in the darkness how are they expected to be redeemed from the light? Once again, great post.

  5. oh chelsea.. ive been there, done that, and today i am still trying very hard to not go back. i understand how you feel completely and im happy that you found a way to deal with it <3 you seem super duper nice.. and its really easy to get caught up in .... drama? so no worries and no judgment dear! youre still the in my book!


  6. Thank you for the wonderful reminder of God's forgiveness. He has plans to make us into something beautful for Himself, even though we constantly fall short of his standards. It's always so encouraging to read your posts.

    And have you read any Ina May Gaskins? Her books on childbirth made me feel so calm about the whole process (even though I didn't make it all the way with no drugs).

    Congrats again! You look great!

  7. those pictures are SO INCREDIBLE. here i am...2 1/2 months after giving birth...and looking at those pictures I WANT ANOTHER ONE! wow wow wow...God is awesome.

    by the way...i bought a bunch of "jeggings" during my pregnancy and wore them all nine months! just like skinny jeans but without the button and zipper :)

  8. whoa. those bottom pictures are tripping me out! so amazing. i keep forgetting you're pregnant when i look at your outfit pics. you're so teeny tiny!

    God was telling me the same thing this week, i sware it. he won't leave me here. he can't. it's time to move forward. up. out. change. mmm, so good to hear your heart. thanks!

  9. I'm loving all your posts lately. Such beautiful encouragement. And dang, you make a cute pregnant mama! :)

  10. loooove thinking that scripture about a baby!! I always think of it for myself, and how God knit me, but I bet that is such an amazing thing to think about Him knitting your baby together :) cant wait for that season of my life!!!

  11. wow! I appreciate your honesty, admittance and openness. Like you I have been on that journey and have prayed to God for guidance and forgiveness.
    I love seeing you flourish in your new pregnancy. Congrats again.

  12. Oh, that thing where you do something bad and ask God to forgive you and you know LOGICALLY that He did/does but you can't come to terms with it yourself? Yeah. I know that feeling. I live with it roughly 22 hours of the day.

  13. I have felt like that before...and the hardest part about all of it is forgiving yourself. It's weird to think that often people are more forgiving of ourselves than we are.

    Good for you for realizing it- that's half of the process and sometimes the hardest. I need to re-evaluate a few things too.

  14. very cool book! and thank goodness that God does not leave us where we are. we are so sinful apart from him. He always has to come down to us and make us into something new. And for that I am so very thankful!

  15. Friend.
    You are not alone, and YES it is the worst feeling in the world.

    Seriously friend , lets get tea next week. Life is too short . I miss you.
    Also I was going through old photos looking for certain photos . I came across so many of you and I. it made me smile and miss you dearly.

  16. To be honest, this post makes me feel a lot better about some of the effed-up things that I have done and said before... there are few times in my life that I have royally messed up and have regretted my actions, words and really wish i had a do-over.
    praying about it, asking for forgiveness is the first step, i agree. the hard part is forgiving yourself.

    you look presh and i highly doubt fat will ever be spilling over your skinny jeans! you are a doll!!! you are going to be one of those cute preggos that looked like you swallowed a basketball.

    and those images are amazing. what are you doing to me chica? i was off the baby train for a while... suddenly all of this baby stuff is slightly appealing. ahh!

  17. At the risk of sounding presumptuous, forward, or...weird, I think we would be great friends. Not because I think we should gossip together, but because I so appreciate your honesty and open heart. I have always admired what you've shared, and this post makes you even more special. Because we all do ugly things. The difference is that you recognized it for what it was, and you asked God to help. I think you're great. Hugs to you.

  18. OMG...I'm reading looking at that book and thinking "THAT is inside of, right now!!??" Fascinating, though. Just found your blog throught he grapevine of another blog and love it! I think I'll need to refer back here for style tips, as I was just telling my SO last night, after seeing all these stylish woman walk in and out of a restaurant where we were eating, that I feel so unkempt and fat lately. North Face park and sneaks (hate wearing cool boots in slush!), and the same maternity jeans every day. You, however, look faboo!!

  19. Gosh guys, thank you! It's funny Meghan, I sometimes imagine how fun it would be to actually hang out with my blog friends. You end up getting such a good picture of who they are. I too think I would be good friends with you too! I don't think that's presumptuous at all! Thank you for your encouragement and kind words.

    It's easy to claim your faith and say I'm a "christian" but actually showing examples of situations of how God daily redeems us is so vital in sharpening one another. When my friends are "real" with me about their struggles, and vulnerable, it allows for deeper relationships. I had a friend recently repent of something that was holding her captive for a few years now & after hearing it come out of her mouth, My love for her grew-I loved her more for it. it's like new branches grew on our friendship making it so much sweeter and richer. God is SO good.

    I HATE that nagging feeling on my heart when I know I've done wrong. I also LOVE knowing that His blood covers it all and makes me new.

  20. a) you are stunning, as always.

    b) no fat spilling over!

    c) what an awesome book!

  21. HA! Kelly~ You're so sweet. I too feel gross and fat somedays too. The truth is, in those photos above of me, that was the first day in like 4 days that I decided (forced myself kicking and screaming) to wash my hair and put on something other than yoga pants and husbands baggy sweatshirt! I feel SO much better when I put myself together BUT being pregnant, I get so tired I could cry somedays-this kind of tired is almost like a painful tired. It's awful. Putting on a little make up and doing my hair (AND NOT SMELLING GROSS.) does wonders for my selfesteem!

    Thanks sweet girl! Congrats on your pregnancy as well!

  22. woah that book looks awesome! I will have to remember that next time i am pregnant. I loved this post and you look amazing in skinny jeans!! When I was pregnant I used my hair tie when my belly started poking out more haha because I didn't want to wear maternity pants!

  23. I've read that book - it's incredible! Congrats on your growing baby :)

  24. Gossip is so hard to NOT do...especially when it consumes so many around you. I totally know how you feel, and it's not good. :(

    On the other hand, that book looks amazing, and so do your skinny jeans!

  25. This made me cry. It is beautiful as are you. To be honest, the way you speak about your relationship with God is very comforting to me, even as an Agnostic. I appreciate your view so much and enjoy reading it every time.

  26. I do sincerely hope that you contact the friend about whom you gossiped, tell her what you did and that you are sorry. It might make things a lot easier in the end to just fess up now and ask forgiveness, to save the friendship. Honestly, if I were her I'd rather hear it from you than hear it through the grapevine. I can hear the sadness and conviction in your post, but without following it up with direct action to the friend you harmed they are, in the end, not righting the wrong. I hope you can find some peace about this, however you choose to handle it.

  27. I love your style! Go ahead and work those skinny jeans, mama ;)

  28. can't even tell your pregnant!? so stylish. :) and i love that verse too.

  29. I am so behind on your blog. Its Kai's fault, just so you know. You should have a talk with him about that.

    You are lovely.

    And I love the idea of knitting the baby together in the womb. In fact, as a knitter, who knitted my baby a blanket while anticipating his arrival, it brings up special imagery of creation stitch by loving stitch. Its so amazing.

  30. Someday when I'm pregnant, I want that book as a present ;)

  31. Hey what is the name of that book?


    From Conception To Birth. The drama of lifes beginnings. You can get it for a penny on amazon. Link above.