I will not stay here.

This morning as I sat down to eat my 2ND bowl of Lucky Charms (baby wanted two bowls, what do you want from me!) I opened my bible as Sponge Bob blared loudly in the back ground and my toddler also enjoyed him some Lucky Charms next to me pointing and clapping at "Bob-Bob" as he referees to him. I took a deep breath and reflected on the last few days.

Have you ever felt so dirty and gross for acting a certain way? You can't forgive yourself of it and keep reliving it and going back to it wanting to punch yourself in the face for it? Whatever it is? No? Just me? I let that dirty feeling stick to me and can't shake it off sometimes. I sometimes wish I could go back have a do-over! Even if I know God's forgiven me, I still can't forgive me. Have you ever felt this way?

Ugh. I had one of those dirty situations that I couldn't shake off recently. A major "foot-in-the-mouth" experience. I won't share all of the details, but know this, the opportunity presented itself to indulge in gossip and share with a Friend some seriously juicy details about another friend and I jumped on that opportunity to share information that wasn't mine to share. It' felt damn good while I was spewing the dirt, but once the words left my mouth I FELT LIKE A TOTAL IDIOT.

I started thinking about my most personal, darkest deed, my dirtiest secret and how I would feel if others know it (a select few know my dirtiest of dirt and I'd like to keep it that way!) I began to shutter knowing that I did to someone exactly what I fear being done to me.

Sure, I know Jesus has redeemed me. There is nothing that can separate me from the Love of god. There is no shame because the past has been forgiven and it is forgotten by God. But I still remember, I don't forget what I've done or do. If someone put me on blast I'd be a little mortified.

So here I was with My God, trying not to go back to pour myself another bowl of Lucky Charms, feeling like a jerk-off, asking him to change my heart, my behavior, make me new, set my eyes upon Him instead of things of this world, & take away that dirty desire out of my heart to indulge in gossip! Gossip is like a poison. It's fun to talk trash but it never makes you feel all that good inside. Just like with anything in life that feels good at the moment. Spending all of your husbands money and going in debt, not respecting your body by over-indulging in food, looking at porn, shoplifting, or one night stands (to name a few dirty things) can be fun, but no one ever leaves feeling good about themselves. No one throws themselves a party after. You leave feeling used and UN-loved. You hate yourself for damaging your body, yourself, your relationships. It's never pretty.

One piece of encouragement that I received from the Lord today was this: You aren't going to stay here (In this state of filth). I am molding you into something greater than what you are today. For someone who puts their foot in their mouth pretty often, who hurts friends, who loses my cool all too quickly, who doesn't always care for my husband like I ought to, who gossips and is quick to indulge in the nasty things of this world rather than what God has to offer, who sins all too often..... God says to my heart, "I'm shaping you. I'm maturing you. I won't leave you like this! I will train you up, I will have you do great things. I will have my way with you." THIS IS BIG for a sinner like me.

I'm thankful that I can take a deep breath and rely on a God- have confidence in a God who promises to continue working on my heart. His mercies are new each day. Yesterday is gone and today I have the opportunity to (not put my foot in my mouth!) to show love to a friend by keeping their secrets-like I'd want them to keep mine. He restores relationships, and for that truth, I take great rest. Thank You Jesus for your goodness in my missteps through this dark world I live. Anyway. That's where I am right now. I'm standing confidently in the truth that as I stay connected to the vine-as I stay close to Him and obey, more of Jesus will be seen on the outside and less of Chelsea.

Oh, and today I wore:

*I WILL wear you skinny jeans-even if my fat spills over the top of you!

I will wear you til' you can no longer be worn!

I am reading this amazing book. The photos & information are incredible. It was written in the 70's by two highly knowledgeable doctors. I am obsessed with it. How insane is God! Seeing how this baby is being formed in my womb always draws my heart back to worshiping. It leaves me in complete awe of the miracle of creation. Go buy this book. Buy it for your pregnant friends. I promise they will enjoy every bit of it

(or think the pictures are totally creepy and weird, either way-buy it!)

Amazing right?

Psalm 139:13- For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

{I love that he's busy at work, knitting my baby together in my womb.}