Friday, January 28

Baby Farts:

Our bedroom, 10:30 PM yesterday, we're both laying in bed debrief on our day. I'm half way finished telling my story about how we drove past some horses and stopped to talk to them and how cute our son was saying, "NAY! NAY!" the whole way home when all of a sudden I stop talking because Dustin starts choking.

Me: What? What's wrong?
Dustin: Choke, cough, gag- You've got the baby farts again. Ugh, that smell. Yep, It's the baby farts!
Me: I hit him in the arm. I am officially offended- So what! I farted. Who cares. I have to smell your ass juice all the time! Leave me alone. I'm pregnant!
Dustin: But babe, you could have paused on the horses and gone 3 feet away to unleash your baby-farts. It's gross. I'm not messing around, it's a god awful smell.
Me: BABY FARTS? Is it really THAT bad?
Dustin: Still choking- Um. Choke, cough. Um, yeah. I swear it's sticking to the walls! Ugh, I don't think I can fall asleep with that rancid smell lingering in the air.
Me: Why do you even have to say anything? Why can't I just fart if I need to? I swear, every time I fart you have to announce it to me. Let me fart for god sakes!
Dustin: Chels, that would be fine, but when you're pregnant, you just fart A LOT more and it's not like a normal fart. It's like poison oozing out of your butt or something, I don't even know. It's just awful. Ugh, God I'm going to throw up.
Me: Laughing devilishly and kicking my legs in the air delighted with my power to disgust him so deeply- Bahahah! Baby farts! I love it! Baahhaha! 

Dustin and I have always had a really playful relationship-sort of comparable to the relationship my older brother and I have. When I was little, Vinni and I were pretty vile children. We played pranks on each other and these pranks weren't something a "girl" should have been involved in. I remember running around the house trying to fling boogers at my brother. We'd try to rub them in each others hair. (What was wrong with me!) I remember one time, he pinned me to the ground and did that thing where you let your spit hang down just far enough and then you slurp it back up into your mouth real fast before it hits the other persons face. The only difference this time was that he had a mouthful of half chewed M&M's and his spit was heavy and gross. So as I'm screaming, "NOoooOOO!" my mouth is open and the spit/chocolate nastiness falls into my mouth. Then he makes me swallow it. Still makes me gag til' this day. We used to wrestle pretty hard too. I remember giving him bloody noses on a few occasions. I think not having a little brother around made him want to teach me how to scrap or something. I think I could be a good little fighter If I had to throw down though, thanks to my brother. We actually did a lot of "guy" stuff together. I was OBsessed with Street Fighter, Mario Brothers and Donkey Kong because of him. He bought me my first snowboard too. We snowboarded a lot together. I think my childhood would have been a lot less fun without him-even if he thought I was his pseudo little brother that he could scrap with and have booger flinging fights with.

My relationship with my brother sort of made me think that this is how you interact with boys and so now my husband has to deal with my un-ladylike ways. We have butter cupping contests and water fights on the regular. Is this normal? Is it normal to waft farts in your spouses face? Farts are so funny though. Is this something a lady should do? Farting? Sure, when we got married, I looked like a pretty "nice" young lady, not the type to fart on the one she loved. Should Dustin have been warned of my vile ways and ran for the hills??

I feel like I OVER-SHARE with my husband too much too. Does anyone else do this? Most woman want to lock themselves behind closed doors to do their face picking, tweezing and grooming and they would be mortified if their husbands saw half the crap we do the beautify ourselves, but not me. If I find a gnarly ingrown hair, I stop him from whatever he's doing to come check it out and watch me dissect it. I feel like I should have some sort of filter though. Like, he doesn't need to see me pop my black heads or zits NO MATTER how unbelievable they are. No man should have to witness his wife's grooming regiment.
(Looks can be deceiving can't they?)

Oh God, what if we have a GIRL? How do I raise her as a lady if I'M not a lady myself?

I'm fearful for my daughter that she's going to grow up and be just like me. Do I have to stop being me just because I might have a lady-daughter-girl to show a lady-like example to? I'm a little upset by this.

Little sweet baby, Why do you make me so gassy? Why?

{Are you getting a girl vibe from this photo or a boy vibe?}


  1. I'm TOTALLY not a lady either. My daughter thinks farts are funny. We aren't shy in this house, anything and everything goes. I'm a face picker and a hair tweezer and it drives my husband crazy. I say, "if you don't like what I'm doing, then walk away!" haha. We have a child-like relationship and it works for us. We can laugh at anything. It's a good thing. :) We are hoping the bean in my belly is a boy since we already have a girl. I will be sending girl vibes your way, they are awesome. :)

  2. I just laughed so hard, it hurt. Wow. That was amazing!

  3. Hahaha, I think that's a great thing that you and your husband are so, er, comfortable around each other :)

    I love it!

    PS-- that's a gorgeous wedding photo!

  4. Your candid and hilarious nature (even when it comes to farts) is one of the things that makes you who you are. In some ways I think us Jones girls missed out in the brother department. We fought about clothes and stuff (though I do have to say that Nina was pretty scrappy when we were younger, I wasn't though, I went crying to my mom because my sister who is four years younger was beating me up). Joel and I just discussed how the booger and spit fights were common in his house of 4 boys and 2 girls (his sisters are pretty tough) but something I have never experienced. But apart from that my family isn't real shy. We do talk about bodily functions pretty openly. They just happen to be period oriented than fart-centric. I think in raising "a lady" the things that are most important are a sense of when things are appropriate but most importantly a strong sense of self and respect for herself and her body. Things you will have no trouble teaching by example. And hey, everybody poops. Everybody farts. Big deal. Besides, you get a special pass while pregnant.

  5. Sarah, I think you're right. Big deal. Everyone farts! ;)

    What I'm more concerned about (as far as raising a lady goes) is establishing in her (if it's a girl) modesty. It's so hard these days. I see SO many young girls with tiny booty shorts on and It makes me so uncomfortable. The truth is, they really don't have many options. Even old navy's shorts are skimpy Unless you want to wear them down to your knees and look omish. How do you teach your daughters to dress appropriately if the normal means wearing skanky short shorts? I see these teenagers and think to myself, "who lets them dress like that?" If I had on too short of shorts, my dad or brother made me march back in and change them. Girls these days. It kind of scares me.

  6. I think I see a Va-jay-jay in that ultra sound photo. . . .ha-hah-ha (At least I'm hoping for a lil scrappy-do girl-lady too!!) LOL
    I do believe being 'gaseous' is heredity, thou, from your mothers side... OOPs.
    Love Ya Bunches Chels, Mom

  7. I'm getting a boy vibe, but that's just me.

    My husband and I totally pop each other's zits and ingrown hairs and stuff. We think it's really gross/cool.

    I think it's GREAT you're such a tomboy! Your (future) daughter is going to learn from you, and be exactly the lady or tomboy she needs to be.

  8. 1. Wow, baby farts. That's what I have to look forward to? Eep. 2. I would love to see you with a little girl, that would be adorable. 3. I do everything crass, etc, in front of almost husband. It took me a while to get there though and he still makes fun of most of them.

  9. Too cute!!

    This post made me smile. It's pretty funny because my dear husband was just talking to one of his bestfriends over the phone today planning for a visit and he said something along the line of, "You'll get along with my wife just fine, she farts and burps all the time!" Complete over-share galore!! But then again he always says it's one of the many reasons why he loves me.. because I'm comfortable with myself and don't feel the need to put on a cover. HA! I think it's precious when a husband and wife have that sort of openness and a who cares kind of relationship. We're not perfect. And for heavens sake, you're going to be married to one another for the rest of your life.. I'm sure it's bound to be uncovered.

  10. Oh my gosh, haha. I'm getting a boy vibe.


  11. I have always been very modest too...and that worries me about my future children. I don't want people to perceive her as an object...and I would much rather her fart than wear a butt-crack pair of shorts.

  12. So funny! You have to have a sense of humor about pregnancy or you will walk around embarrassed all the time.

  13. i was so sick my first 5 months and everyone told me that first trimester that the more sick you are the higher your chances of having a girl were. that flew out the window.

    are you sick?

  14. Oh my gosh, we have far too much in common. I stop seeing a guy if I dont feel comfortable farting in front of him. It's pretty darn high on my list. I don't need to be able to play fart-tennis or anything (though that's a plus).
    What's buttercupping? My brother and I dutch ovened each other growing up.
    Why is a girl doing un-ladylike things bad? My boyfriend(s) who I could fart in front of/tweeze hairs, etc wouldn't SAY OUT LOUD that they liked that about me but that level of comfort, etc isn't a BAD thing. If a girl turned out just like you (and me), that's not so bad...

  15. ok, i was laughing so hard i thought i was gonna choke. real tears coming out of my eyes, and get this, my nose started running. i was choking and laughing and gasping from your unlady like manners and my husband is sitting on the couch asking "what is so funny?"

    Chelsea, you are the enigma of juxtapositions of all paradoxes.


  16. :):):) I reckon it will be a boy:)

  17. Ok, a "buttercup" is when you have a really gnarly fart and you cup the air right by your butt with your hands to trap the odor- then you release the cupped fart into some ones face.

    That's a buttercup! ;)

  18. Oh my gosh...haha I just read your comment above...I may have to share this with my friends! You are so right on when it comes to modesty and girls today. I was walking by Victoria Secret and this 13 year old was holding up a TEDDY to her body and asking her friend if she should get it...THEN, she turned around and she was wearing those PINK pants and her G -string was saying hello to all. You will make an amazing role model, because you have respect for yourself...though I must say farting in front of my hubby has not become natural just yet..his code word for taking a dump is "I'm going to go find Sasha" Sasha is my 6 year old Calico cat haha Great post!

  19. OMG I love your honesty so much!!! MY 4 year old daughter is such a girls girl, loves her skirts, hair clips and makeup but im afraid she holds the title in the house as the farting queen, we have so many nights of laughter in my bed with her singing away and day she will die of embaressment but until that day i will happily laugh along with her.....go farting mama lol xxx

  20. you just made me pee my pants a little