Saturday, October 9

These Moments.

I've heard every cliche today...
She's going to a "better place", she's going to have a "new" body, She's going to be with Jesus.
But It doesn't give me peace. In my heart, I know you're ready to go, but I.AM.NOT.
I'm not ready.
I can't let you go. I am still praying and begging for a miracle.
Until your soul has left your body, I will not stop praying. I will not stop praying.
My heart thumbs violently as I PLEAD FOR YOU TO LIVE!, snot in my hair, tears that won't stop
             pain turning in my stomach...I am broken for you. I am broken.

You will survive.
You will prove them all wrong!
{Bobbie modeling one of her designs. I love this dress on her.}

I am hanging onto every word you've ever spoken to me. Tonight, I am replaying those times of holding you as you cried out to the Lord in your sweet desperation, tears soaking your skin and mine, as we cried and wept together in each other's arms. I thanked Jesus for those memories today- As you prayed for your son. Your body shook and you lost control...In your desperation, you lost control. I held you together as you fell apart. I loved you with everything that was within me. We both prayed in your living room as your moans and shouts rang out. Your protests and demands were sweet sounds to the Lords ears. He was pleased with you. We cried and sat on the rug on the middle of your living room as Conrad walked around and made little toddler noises. Those sweet noises and coo's made us cling even tighter because we knew that those noises were what it was all about. 

A mother praying for her son. 

I have that memory burned into my brain forever. I will not forget that day. You showed me what it looked like to be a mother-never releasing that affection for her baby-who is now thirty. You love your son with such intensity and passion, and it never goes away, the love that you feel as a mother. 
I got a taste of it. Your unbridled, faithful, relentless love frightens me.
I too, as a mother, understand it now and it frightens me.

I am not prepared for this
I am not equipped
I am not willing
I am not ready
I don't know how to do this, letting you go.

I cannot kiss your cheeks and watch you lay there letting life slip away from your grasp.
I cannot say those words, goodbye.
I can not see your face one last time and be thinking the whole time, "THIS is the last time."
But you're ready and the pain is over. I'm so glad it's over. 

I feel like my insides have been scooped out and I cannot hide it.
I cannot pretend that I'm not completely aching, numb, hurting.....
I cannot pretend that losing you- losing you hurts more than I can comprehend.
My eyes burn, my head hurts, my heart feels like it has stopped.

Until your soul has left your body, I will not stop praying. I will not stop praying for a miracle. 

I am not ready.
I am not ready. 


  1. i'm so sorry!!! i'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!

  2. I read this post and starting crying my eyes out- it is so touching. death is nothing you can be prepared for. I lost my father last month and it is definitely the most painful thing that I have ever gone through. but I do believe that the cliche is true. If everyone knew how beautiful heaven way no one would want to stay here :) and thats what I have to tell my self to stay sane. Thanks for the pulled at my heart strings.

  3. Wow, Chelsea, these words, these feelings are all too familiar to me. I didn't start writing until after I lost my mom to cancer, but I imagine if I had, this is what I would have written. I'll be praying that God guides you through these very real and raw emotions, that you feel and express what you need to, and that you know it's okay. I think I'll go back and tag what I've written about her, just in case you or anyone else want to read about my journey since. Sending love.

  4. Tears. I'm not going to tell you that you'll be okay, because maybe you won't... My Gpa died in April after being in "nursing homes" for a few years. I still think to myself "I'll go see my Gramps today", but I can't. The most important thing is that after all those years in those "homes" there he sits, on our fireplace mantle, right where he belongs, home at last.

    There is nothing, nothing more powerful than prayers.

  5. I am so sorry to hear about your loss -- my thoughts will be with you this Thanksgiving weekend.
    With love.

  6. Chelsea, I am so sorry. I don't think anyone is ever ready for this. My thoughts are with you and I'm sending her lots of strength...xo

  7. sometimes there are no words, but i will be praying too. love you friend.

  8. I'll be thinking of you. I'm so sorry that you and your family have to go through this. Peace and strength to you.

  9. i am so so sorry. my thoughts and prayers with you dear girl.

  10. praying for you dear chelsea...cast your cares upon Him, lay all of your burdens down at His feet.....xoxo

  11. i'm so sorry chelsea.
    this post gives me goosebumps. i will be keeping you and her in my prayers as you make your way through these trials of life.

    keep crying out to God...He hears.

    "I love the LORD, because He has heard
    My voice and my supplications.
    Because He has inclined His ear to me,
    Therefore I will call upon Him as long as I live." psalm 116:1-2

    My dad is a pastor and had to do a very difficult funeral recently...he read psalm 116 and this verse stuck out to me. It's amazing to me that such a big God, with so many children and so much to do, takes the time to stop, bend down, and incline HIS ear to our desperate cries.

    nothing but love coming your way from Florida <3

  12. I'm so sorry. :[
    Praying for you and your family.

  13. Chelsea, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Thank you for sharing. I wish I had advice to give but all I can say is that I'll be praying for all of you.

  14. Love and prayers. Of comfort, understanding, and miracles if it's His will. He had suffered not only for our sins but has felt every grief and sorrow so that we might be able to overcome these things.