These Moments.

I've heard every cliche today...
She's going to a "better place", she's going to have a "new" body, She's going to be with Jesus.
But It doesn't give me peace. In my heart, I know you're ready to go, but I.AM.NOT.
I'm not ready.
I can't let you go. I am still praying and begging for a miracle.
Until your soul has left your body, I will not stop praying. I will not stop praying.
My heart thumbs violently as I PLEAD FOR YOU TO LIVE!, snot in my hair, tears that won't stop
             pain turning in my stomach...I am broken for you. I am broken.


You will survive.
You will prove them all wrong!

{Bobbie modeling one of her designs. I love this dress on her.}

I am hanging onto every word you've ever spoken to me. Tonight, I am replaying those times of holding you as you cried out to the Lord in your sweet desperation, tears soaking your skin and mine, as we cried and wept together in each other's arms. I thanked Jesus for those memories today- As you prayed for your son. Your body shook and you lost control...In your desperation, you lost control. I held you together as you fell apart. I loved you with everything that was within me. We both prayed in your living room as your moans and shouts rang out. Your protests and demands were sweet sounds to the Lords ears. He was pleased with you. We cried and sat on the rug on the middle of your living room as Conrad walked around and made little toddler noises. Those sweet noises and coo's made us cling even tighter because we knew that those noises were what it was all about. 


A mother praying for her son. 


I have that memory burned into my brain forever. I will not forget that day. You showed me what it looked like to be a mother-never releasing that affection for her baby-who is now thirty. You love your son with such intensity and passion, and it never goes away, the love that you feel as a mother. 
I got a taste of it. Your unbridled, faithful, relentless love frightens me.
I too, as a mother, understand it now and it frightens me.


I am not prepared for this
I am not equipped
I am not willing
I am not ready
I don't know how to do this, letting you go.


I cannot kiss your cheeks and watch you lay there letting life slip away from your grasp.
I cannot say those words, goodbye.
I can not see your face one last time and be thinking the whole time, "THIS is the last time."
But you're ready and the pain is over. I'm so glad it's over. 

I feel like my insides have been scooped out and I cannot hide it.
I cannot pretend that I'm not completely aching, numb, hurting.....
I cannot pretend that losing you- losing you hurts more than I can comprehend.
My eyes burn, my head hurts, my heart feels like it has stopped.


Until your soul has left your body, I will not stop praying. I will not stop praying for a miracle. 


I am not ready.
I am not ready.