All they heard was singing...

“O Lord… we don’t know what to do, but our eyes are on you.”

The day started out just like any other day. I kissed my better half goodbye, took my son to the park where we chased birds and practiced walking down stairs, his nap time came, he woke up and out of the blue came yet again, symptoms of another UTI. I instantly feel MISERABLE. (If you're a male and get all weird about stuff, stop reading.)

For about 4 years now, I've gotten UTI's pretty regularly. I couldn't tell you how many I've had. I just know that they've made my life hell! (peeing blood, razor blades slicing the vag kind of hell, trips to the ER late at night kind of hell. You get the idea.) They creep up like a freight train unexpectedly. They are painful and I feel hopeless when I get them. Today my OB saw me without an appointment asap and got me into her office along with my tears and pain. I was a hot mess. I got a shot of antibiotics and I'm feeling much better. When will the madness end though? My mother in law says to me today, "You've got to be so sick of this!"

I am. I take antibiotic after antibiotic (which I hate doing), I drink cranberry juice so strong and gross that it should come with a chaser, I take probiotics, I drink ass loads of water, I don't take baths, I have tried everything you're thinking of (switching lube, switching "rain coats", standing on my head, drinking pickle juice....all of it!) If you have an idea I haven't thought of, please send it my way! The cranberry juice is from trader Joe's. It looks like blood. It's the grossest juice on the planet. It's thick and bitter...I want to throw up just thinking of it.

(this is not a dramatization, I really make these faces when I drink it. This is no joke.)

My Dr. asked me to go see her Urologist a few months ago because she's afraid that since the antibiotics aren't making the UTI'S go away, she wants to see what the hell is going on in there. We're going on FOUR years of UTI's and I've been stubborn to not go to the urologist. She gave me this advice 2 UTI's ago. So I'm going. I give up trying to be a tough guy about it. I need answers.

I just feel utterly defeated and annoyed. I hate being sick. The pain is horrendous.

But thank God for good friends who answer the phone when I call crying and blubbering. I feel so blessed beyond measure. Vicki told me today to get in the word (not that the bible is a magic pill), but that Jesus will meet me there...and during her prayer she said something that had me thinking for the rest of the day. She said, "In her sickness and pain, may she not sin." So I started thinking, What would I do to cure myself and make it all better? What would I do besides going to God with my troubles and asking for healing, comfort, peace & rest? How could I sin. When I'm having a bad day, what do I do to make it better?

I usually don't go right to God with my troubles. Instead of choosing to find my peace in Jesus, I tend to try everything else first. I actually do this without even thinking of doing it. Shopping usually takes my troubles away or makes me forget for a time. Opening the fridge and scarfing down some yummy treats makes me feel better, but then makes me fat, so that's not the answer. Turning on some mind numbing reality TV for an hour and pushing my problems further helps me ignore God, but Jersey Shore only lasts so long and then It's over. (I'm not saying TV or food or Jersey Shore are bad things, I'm just saying that medicating myself using these things is not wise, and I do that very thing at times instead of going straight to the source to heal me.)

So I realized, man, I do that. She's totally right. She didn't realize she had just convicted me of it, but she did. When I'm sad, sick, lonely, confused, anxious, worried.... I eat, I sit, I'm lazy, I read stupid magazines. I do everything I can think of to do, rather than simply coming to Jesus with my issues. I avoid him at all cost sometimes until he makes me turn my face to him.

I read this blog yesterday and the writer totally spoke to me. I so needed to hear what she had to say. (Please read this blog. It will make your day. I promise.) By the end of the post, I was a bowl of mush. I began to pray and praise God. I felt like my hands were up and I was ready to surrender. I was ready to accept the grace being given to me. (Grace- the free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings.)

Grace means to get things from God that you don't deserve. I've been exploring what Grace means for about a year now. I'm still trying to grasp it's meaning. Knowing that I don't have to DO anything to win God's favor but simply seeing Jesus in me pleases him. Accepting grace takes a lot of the "work" out of my faith. I want to dig deeper into this later, I have many thoughts on the blog that I read as well that I want to share, for now, I want to thank Vicki for speaking truth over me when I felt completely alone and defeated and for Sarah for loving this blog post as much as I did and for worshiping the king with me that day.

In my sickness I did not sin.

I did not run from Him.

I did not watch Jersey Shore re-runs back to back...