Thursday, June 3

The sweet with the sour.

We were driving this weekend and I went OFF on the car ahead of us for going 15 in a 35, when normally I would be going 45 (but grandpa Dustin was driving), and once we passed the car and I realized I'd just taken my really-bad-case of sucky life and PMS out on this poor old' man trying his darnedest to maneuver around town, I felt like a jerk and decided I needed to chill out and that my passenger-seat-road-rage was not necessary-and maybe I should be a better example of patience and love to my son.... (we're working on that) Dustin's eyes were bulging out of his head as he watched me have the PMS melt down of my life flipping off fellow drivers left and right. I'm pretty sure my head started spinning. "Exorcist" status for sure. Not cute. After I calmed down, this is what I said, trying to blame my bad behavior on PMS:

Me: Being a girl SUCKS! Why do we have to suffer so much! (my arms crossed over my chest, pouty-lip faced and sinking into my seat being a total brat)
Dustin: I'm sorry honey. Thanks for the baby?!
Me: No, seriously, YOU GUYS have NOTHING to bitch about.
We go through hell and what do you guys go through?! What do you have to deal with?
(Long pause)
Dustin: Boners. 
Me: WHAT?!!!!! BONERS?
Dustin: Yeah. Boners! Guys get boners for no reason ALL the time. I'd be sitting in class in high school and pray to God my teacher wouldn't ask me to get out of my seat! Do you know how embarrassing that is?! Boners suck.
Me: I'd take an embarrassing boner over my PMS'-bitch fest every month and back pain.
If I could trade you my ovaries for your boners,
 I would.

It's been a long last few weeks with Dustin working long hours, going in early, and staying late every single day. Those kinds of chaotic, draining, long days can wear a person down pretty quickly. We've both been burning our candles at both ends and needed some serious "US" time.

On Saturday I drove up to rail road pass and had an amazing 8 mile run. I desperately needed some time alone with God, some good music, and sun shine. Why is running such good medicine? And Dustin had his alone time too. He relieves stress by cooking. He cooked a chicken and I ate the chicken (and went back for seconds....seconds meaning I tore the skin off of the rest of the chicken and got caught.) Dustin was all, "Are you eating all the skin again!? STOP! You're going to give yourself a stomach ache!" OMG, i feel like a fat ass. Ugh. My husband just caught me with a mouth full of chicken skin. Next thing you know, we'll both be on Biggest Loser. Don't be surprised.

This weekend we also watched this really lame movie. Dustin says no more movies staring the actors from any of the Twilight series's or Vampire Diaries. I really have to be careful with what movies I watch. I don't watch moves where people hang themselves or any movies where people commit suicide. We've had to turn movies off when it gets to that point when you know someone is going to do something crazy. Anyway. I say this because for whatever reason, this movie started getting my mind going and thinking about death (a topic I have to commit to the Lord over and over.) So, after the movie, we get in the shower and all I can think about are guys bursting through my bathroom door with guns and then they race to Conrad's room and steal him and Dustin's dead and Conrad's gone and I'm just left soaking wet crying-alone. I couldn't sleep that night and right as Dustin started twitching and snoring-falling into a deep sleep, I woke him up so we could pray. Surly we were going to get robbed and murdered that night. 

The last few weeks I've seen circumstances with people around me where I've said "I don't know how anyone ever recovers from that." And I've placed my happiness, or my safety on whether my circumstances are "good", if money's in the bank or every ones "happy" on whether my circumstances are good. If life is good, then I am good. This mistrust in Christ has caused me anxiety and unnecessary worry. It's made my mind wonder and imagine horrendous things. It's made me fearful of the future. It's right where the enemy of my soul wants me to be. Backed into a corner, scared, lonely, afraid and not standing firm in the truths that are promised to me.

So we prayed through some of that stuff and Sunday morning we went to Church. Dustin's favorite hymn was sung "It is well" . The story is an incredible example of the goodness of God, that even when all is lost, this man held onto God and survived the death of his daughters. He is enough. Jesus is enough. 

At church, I listened to this song and thought about that man learning that his daughters had died and then going to write this song. I imagined God crying as he cried. Then I thought about all of the circumstances in my mind that would be completely crippling, I've thought about these circumstances a million times and they've at times paralyzed me and they haven't even happened yet. No one has murdered anyone I love yet and I let these thoughts take me captive.

So it made me wonder, where is my hope? Where have I been placing my trust? Why am I waiting for disaster and devastation? We sat and read this and talked about how God's goodness and love covers anything I could imagine. His death on the cross means freedom for me. It means that I don't have to be a prisoner to those thoughts. He promises peace instead of anxiety. I'm clinging to that promise.

I sat yesterday and ate lunch on my dear friend Bobbie's porch and was told that she's got stage 3 cervical cancer and stage 3 ovarian cancer. She's been through her first stage of chemo. Instead of weeping and throwing herself a pity party, she went on to tell me how Good the Lord is and was jumping out of her skin excitedly telling me story after story of how God had showed up and taken care of her since she found out about her cancer. She kept saying things like, "The Lord did this, and the Lord blessed me with that, and you'll never believe what God is doing!" She did say at one point, "I felt like in the beginning, I was really confused and thought that I was the one who gave myself cancer and I blamed myself. I felt like It was really fucked up of God to make me go through this, but now He's given me peace about it and I'm going to live my life!" She's not playing the victim.

Her strength and positive mindset is incredible to me.

She asked me what was going on in my life, and as I complained about the stupidest things like being overwhelmed by work, housework, a baby, and my husband. I tried to keep my composure and process what she had just told me BUT I kept feeling like, nothing I say matters right now because you have cancer and all I want to do is cry in your arms because I don't know what to say and It's breaking my heart. My stupid issues are nothing in light of what you're going through. And she's going through it with such grace. It leaves me speechless.

Bobbie is the type of woman who loves Jesus so much that she gets yelled at by her 80 year old mother for blessing people financially and giving anything she can everyone, all the time. She's completely transparent and wears her feelings on her sleeve, doesn't apologize for who she is, and is literally the most stylish 60 year old I've ever met. She's always got super cute shoes on and every time we have dinner or spend time together, I'm more energized and inspired when I leave than when I arrived. When I look at her, I see a mirror of myself in years to come and it makes me smile (I hope I blossom into a woman with such strong conviction and strength). She's a dear friend, and a huge mentor to me. I pray that she would make a quick recovery and beat this cancer! I pray that the chemo works.

 My eyes have been wet and my heart has been overflowing with love for her.
Please join me in prayer. I would appreciate it greatly.

And for no real reason at all other than that he makes me smile,
here is Conrad in the bath. 
He's a rock star.


  1. Praying for your friend. Praying for you as well...

    I am in the same boat as your right now... I feel like I just complain and don't appreciate my husband and son like I should...

    Then I read your blog about your friend and it just pretty much .......... HIT ME in the face....

    THANK YOU for sharing...
    Also. ADORABLE little boy! :) My son, Tristan is a rock star as well. ;)

  2. thanks for that comment girl. We're all in this together and hearing eachothers stories really makes us feel a whole lot less alienated, in my opinion.

    Thanks for the prayers.

    And, I know almost EVERY wife has had that conversation with her husband. I'm such a big baby!

  3. Um...thanks for making me cry! I have been EXACTLY where you are with those feelings of anxiety and had to lean on prayer so I could sleep. I know so many people that are going through rough stuff right now and I can't help but think the same way, that I shouldn't feel so bad about my problems. But one of the Awesome things about God is that he still cares infinitely about our worries and pain even if it seems insignificant in the grand scheme of things.

    One thing that helped me a ton is a book I read. It's an oldie, but between this and prayer I really got a handle on the anxiety. It's called "how to stop worrying and start living". I forget the authors name.

    Anyway, it helped me a lot so I had to share. are awesome and you posts inspire me! Thank you!

  4. I love you so much girl. Once again, we're in the same boat, and sometimes it'd just be easier to jump out into the shark infested water and pray you just swallow a bunch of salt water before the pain of the shark jaws gets ya...but I'm dramatic like that.

  5. OH, and we found out I'm the same way about suicide in movies when watching the Devil's Advocate. When the seen came, I shook and cried the rest of the movie. It was right after I started recovering and I couldn't take it. TO this day if I watch something like that I get in this stupid mindset that I just can't shake

  6. LOL! I would trade my ovaries for a boner any day too....just sayin'.

    And Conrad really is a rock star. Gotta love him.

  7. This made me laugh and cry a little. Bless you!

  8. i cannot even tell you the number of times i have woken up zac in the middle of the night to pray for me because i had horrible feelings that something terrible would happen that night. i have anxieties about all of those things too and it's nice to see i'm not alone. sometimes i feel so stupid for thinking up such crazy stories and not just TRUSTING THAT GOD TAKES CARE OF US. why is that so hard to grasp at times? i don't know...but i do know this was very encouraging to me so thanks so much for sharing <3

  9. and ps- i'll be keeping your friend in my prayers!

  10. WOW-what a funny conversation to have with your husband comparing PMS and "Boners". LOL!!But anyway, very sorry you've been feeling down and stressed, Chelsea. I used to feel like my PMS was worse than ANYONE elses could EVER be; but once it was over, it was like
    WhOO-EEE I made it through that month okay. It does pass, and you're back to your bright and shiny self again.

    Jim and I will keep Bobbie in our prayers. What a sweet and dear lady she is, and very strong in her faith. The Isaiah 25 verse you referenced is so very true too for all of us to remember. I printed it out for myself. Thanks :)

    I love that you put a "private pirate" sign over Rockstar Conrads stuff. Ha-hah. It was so fun playing with him this morning. Love Ya Dearly Sweetie, Mom

  11. OH, I'm sorry for your friend and will send good thoughts her way. And, yes: PMS blows. So do the raging hormones during and after pregnancy!!!

    And: Your little man is awesome! Love the photo.

  12. Hi Chelsea, I don't know you and I don't even know how I found your blog but I swear we'd be great friends if we knew eachother. I am a young, wanna be hip mom who can empathize all too well. My kids most days all consumingly wonderful and awful at the same time. My husband works long hours and we at times have been completely broke. So yeah, thanks for cracking me up with your stories of Conrad and his antics. It's a helpful reminder that I am not alone. Thanks for being transparent as well. This post is super timely for me. More of a reminder that God is really freeing me from my fears of death, murder, etc and reminding me of who He truly is and what His heart toward me truly is. What, He's not a jackass that just wants to make my life hard? Nah, He is good. Anyway, I just wanted to be another voice saying that you can be free! He will walk you through the shit, step by step so stay strong sista!

  13. This was the best blog post ever.

    Because I laughed out loud when I read the part about men having "boners" to worry about.

    Because I know exactly what you mean- I have NOTHING to complain about, when I know so many familys with half of their hearts overseas fighting a neverending war. I'm about to have my 3rd child, and I feel so undeserving sometimes, when I know women who haven't even been blessed with one. I'm constantly trying to remind myself of every possible situation, to snap myself out of any kind of personal pitty party that I might be throwing.

    And because of the picture.

    xx Tia

  14. whoa! that was pretty awesome. all of it. it's so nice to know there are other moms out there that struggle with the same anxieties & fears as i do. i think it's a mom thing? at least that's what i've noticed. we're so fearful of leaving our precious babes behind. God has been freeing me of these things this me peace!but sometimes the fear creeps back in & i hafta constantly give it back to him. i'll be praying for you. & your dear friend. thanks for your honesty.

    p.s. i can't believe you blogged about BONERS. bwhaaa. boner. boner. BONER. :) i don't think i'd trade pms for a boner. ewwww.

  15. i would kill for a boner! i just cried my eyes out to the wedding episode of Grey's Anatomy...lame.

    I am standing with you in prayer for Bobbie. She sounds like one incredible women and how she sees God in all these situations blows my mind!

    God doesn't promise that we won't go through anything and that everything will be easy, He promises to be with us and to be the peace that is and anchor when everything around us is going crazy. Peace is 100% a promise so cling away girl.

    All we have is today; to soak it all in and get as much out of it as possible. Fear is the biggest thief of joy because it holds us back from so much and consumes too much of our time. Keep taking those thoughts captive and leaving them at the foot of the cross!

    Love you mama! xoxo

  16. sister...i pray that you find peace in our Lord Jesus Christ. I understand your PMS moments..but we are blessed to have these moments as all our trials are to purify us and draw us closer to God. Men dont have this advantage (im trying to make light of it for you) I have to remind myself almost daily that we are not to be slaves to our emotions because Christ died to set us free. I am sold out on the power of prayer my friend. If you ever have a prayer request (even if they are daily) please send them my way

    many blessings

  17. Sending good thoughts your way!

  18. so sorry about your friend:(

    LOVE all your photos. You have an adorable house and such fun clothes! your blog is so fun!

  19. Thanks for the perspective today. I really needed it.

    Your blog is stinkin adorable btw!

  20. so i just read this for the first time and holy crow, girl, it's good to know i'm not alone in my ridiculously exaggerated fears of random home raids either. i swear i have to most morbid thoughts sometimes... thoughts of cars barreling headlong into jude and i at every intersection, of kidnappers coming right in broad daylight to my house while i'm laying him down for a nap, etc etc etc. and i thought i was going crazy. but you're right, it's a lot to do with the things we watch. unfortunately i love shows like law&order:svu, dexter (which i actually had to turn off last night for this reason), and criminal minds. so yeah, i feel ya. i guess it's time to take the advice of limiting my viewing of such morbid and unrealistic ways to die... and once again thank you for being so daggone real with us. you rock.

  21. your encouragement means the world to me.

    I appreciate the kind words more than i can express <3