The sweet with the sour.

We were driving this weekend and I went OFF on the car ahead of us for going 15 in a 35, when normally I would be going 45 (but grandpa Dustin was driving), and once we passed the car and I realized I'd just taken my really-bad-case of sucky life and PMS out on this poor old' man trying his darnedest to maneuver around town, I felt like a jerk and decided I needed to chill out and that my passenger-seat-road-rage was not necessary-and maybe I should be a better example of patience and love to my son.... (we're working on that) Dustin's eyes were bulging out of his head as he watched me have the PMS melt down of my life flipping off fellow drivers left and right. I'm pretty sure my head started spinning. "Exorcist" status for sure. Not cute. After I calmed down, this is what I said, trying to blame my bad behavior on PMS:

Me: Being a girl SUCKS! Why do we have to suffer so much! (my arms crossed over my chest, pouty-lip faced and sinking into my seat being a total brat)

Dustin: I'm sorry honey. Thanks for the baby?!

Me: No, seriously, YOU GUYS have NOTHING to bitch about.
We go through hell and what do you guys go through?! What do you have to deal with?

(Long pause)

Dustin: Boners. 

Me: WHAT?!!!!! BONERS?

Dustin: Yeah. Boners! Guys get boners for no reason ALL the time. I'd be sitting in class in high school and pray to God my teacher wouldn't ask me to get out of my seat! Do you know how embarrassing that is?! Boners suck.

Me: I'd take an embarrassing boner over my PMS'-bitch fest every month and back pain.

If I could trade you my ovaries for your boners,

 I would.

It's been a long last few weeks with Dustin working long hours, going in early, and staying late every single day. Those kinds of chaotic, draining, long days can wear a person down pretty quickly. We've both been burning our candles at both ends and needed some serious "US" time.

On Saturday I drove up to rail road pass and had an amazing 8 mile run. I desperately needed some time alone with God, some good music, and sun shine. Why is running such good medicine? And Dustin had his alone time too. He relieves stress by cooking. He cooked a chicken and I ate the chicken (and went back for seconds....seconds meaning I tore the skin off of the rest of the chicken and got caught.) Dustin was all, "Are you eating all the skin again!? STOP! You're going to give yourself a stomach ache!" OMG, i feel like a fat ass. Ugh. My husband just caught me with a mouth full of chicken skin. Next thing you know, we'll both be on Biggest Loser. Don't be surprised.

This weekend we also watched this really lame movie. Dustin says no more movies staring the actors from any of the Twilight series's or Vampire Diaries. I really have to be careful with what movies I watch. I don't watch moves where people hang themselves or any movies where people commit suicide. We've had to turn movies off when it gets to that point when you know someone is going to do something crazy. Anyway. I say this because for whatever reason, this movie started getting my mind going and thinking about death (a topic I have to commit to the Lord over and over.) So, after the movie, we get in the shower and all I can think about are guys bursting through my bathroom door with guns and then they race to Conrad's room and steal him and Dustin's dead and Conrad's gone and I'm just left soaking wet crying-alone. I couldn't sleep that night and right as Dustin started twitching and snoring-falling into a deep sleep, I woke him up so we could pray. Surly we were going to get robbed and murdered that night. 

The last few weeks I've seen circumstances with people around me where I've said "I don't know how anyone ever recovers from that." And I've placed my happiness, or my safety on whether my circumstances are "good", if money's in the bank or every ones "happy" on whether my circumstances are good. If life is good, then I am good. This mistrust in Christ has caused me anxiety and unnecessary worry. It's made my mind wonder and imagine horrendous things. It's made me fearful of the future. It's right where the enemy of my soul wants me to be. Backed into a corner, scared, lonely, afraid and not standing firm in the truths that are promised to me.

So we prayed through some of that stuff and Sunday morning we went to Church. Dustin's favorite hymn was sung "It is well" . The story is an incredible example of the goodness of God, that even when all is lost, this man held onto God and survived the death of his daughters. He is enough. Jesus is enough. 

At church, I listened to this song and thought about that man learning that his daughters had died and then going to write this song. I imagined God crying as he cried. Then I thought about all of the circumstances in my mind that would be completely crippling, I've thought about these circumstances a million times and they've at times paralyzed me and they haven't even happened yet. No one has murdered anyone I love yet and I let these thoughts take me captive.

So it made me wonder, where is my hope? Where have I been placing my trust? Why am I waiting for disaster and devastation? We sat and read this and talked about how God's goodness and love covers anything I could imagine. His death on the cross means freedom for me. It means that I don't have to be a prisoner to those thoughts. He promises peace instead of anxiety. I'm clinging to that promise.

I sat yesterday and ate lunch on my dear friend Bobbie's porch and was told that she's got stage 3 cervical cancer and stage 3 ovarian cancer. She's been through her first stage of chemo. Instead of weeping and throwing herself a pity party, she went on to tell me how Good the Lord is and was jumping out of her skin excitedly telling me story after story of how God had showed up and taken care of her since she found out about her cancer. She kept saying things like, "The Lord did this, and the Lord blessed me with that, and you'll never believe what God is doing!" She did say at one point, "I felt like in the beginning, I was really confused and thought that I was the one who gave myself cancer and I blamed myself. I felt like It was really fucked up of God to make me go through this, but now He's given me peace about it and I'm going to live my life!" She's not playing the victim.

Her strength and positive mindset is incredible to me.

She asked me what was going on in my life, and as I complained about the stupidest things like being overwhelmed by work, housework, a baby, and my husband. I tried to keep my composure and process what she had just told me BUT I kept feeling like, nothing I say matters right now because you have cancer and all I want to do is cry in your arms because I don't know what to say and It's breaking my heart. My stupid issues are nothing in light of what you're going through. And she's going through it with such grace. It leaves me speechless.

Bobbie is the type of woman who loves Jesus so much that she gets yelled at by her 80 year old mother for blessing people financially and giving anything she can give....to everyone, all the time. She's completely transparent and wears her feelings on her sleeve, doesn't apologize for who she is, and is literally the most stylish 60 year old I've ever met. She's always got super cute shoes on and every time we have dinner or spend time together, I'm more energized and inspired when I leave than when I arrived. When I look at her, I see a mirror of myself in years to come and it makes me smile (I hope I blossom into a woman with such strong conviction and strength). She's a dear friend, and a huge mentor to me. I pray that she would make a quick recovery and beat this cancer! I pray that the chemo works.

 My eyes have been wet and my heart has been overflowing with love for her.

Please join me in prayer. I would appreciate it greatly.

And for no real reason at all other than that he makes me smile,
here is Conrad in the bath. 

He's a rock star.