Thursday, September 17


How convinced am I that you are real?

When Dustin prays, he usually expounds on how REAL You are. He's astonished at Your realness...that You became real to him, that You took the blinders away, You took our blindness away, pulled the vail from our eyes, and said You wanted us...

Lately, I have been enthralled by Your beauty...I've been harshly convicted in a really awful way, showing me a shame (of my character) that floods my eyes will grief. I'm ashamed at my thoughts, at my actions, at my ability to be so rotten, and yet....ANT YET, Christ says "I WANT YOU! ALL OF YOU. All of your rottenness, your bitterness, your depression, your grief, you loneliness, your doubt, your everything. Just put all of the shit aside and come into my arms because I'm REAL and I want all of you because the blood I shed for you wipes it all away, and even when you're ugly, you're beautiful to me. So just come, and let me hold you." That's what you say to me Jesus.

I'm also feeling like, life as a Christian, shouldn't be "safe."

I'm utterly afraid of where Dustin's job will take us. I'm afraid that in the pit of our gut, we know God will take us to places we're curious to know but terrified to be, and in that pit, we'll find that there, our worst fears live, and the most beautiful joys dwell, so do we stay? Do we continue to be comfortable, or do we say..."OK, God, no matter where you take us, we'll go. We'll serve you AT ANY COST."

At any cost? What does that mean? Will I serve you in third world countries and still be satisfied...because, truthfully, my three bedroom condo is pretty comfortable. I do enjoy my volted ceilings Lord......I know people need clean water, But I sure like my stainless steel appliances....? No? alright, I suck.

Lately a lot of my conversations with God have gone like this....with head in hands, tears streaming down my face...."what the f*ck God. What's going on? What do you want from us! Where will our life go?! Please...!" Sob, cry, sob. Then I do that thing where snot floods my face and my sniffles and aches collide and I sound like I've just been dumped by my first boyfriend after school at safe key!...( How embarrassing. I cried so hard when Jeff broke up with me, and I couldn't stop crying on the way home in our minivan. That was depressing.) That's where I am lately. Elementary school ya'll.

But seriously.

Where are we going?

Is Jesus calling us to live easy, comfortable, safe, lives without risk?

I want something thrilling. But thrilling is scary.

God give me thrilling! I want something hard, something that rips me from the throat and beckons my soul to long for you more, I urn for the one true God to show up and do miracles. To love me more, to hold me when I ache, to kick me when I act like a retard, and to still pull me close when I act like retard.

(side note.)
One of the biggest ways my mother cared for me when I was young was to show me that there was no shame in poverty. To have little was to be rich, and to be rich, didn't always mean you were happy. I have fond memories of scraping silver to buy bread. I do not exaggerate. My mother fought for us tooth and nail and provided. She's a queen who has much to offer those who have been sick and need Jesus. (She needs to counsel those who have seen stuff and been through stuff. I mean that Mom. Your arms need to be wrapped around single, struggling moms who hurt, who are lost without Jesus, and who are enslaved & need to be set free!)
Mom, you have great victory! Your life has not been lived in vein.
Your story is rich and beautiful-embrace it! I dare you.

I praise you God for how you have romanced me, how you have stood by me silently without word but with your presence, and how you've screamed at me and made yourself known to me at times. You've shaken me. Like a parent, you've disciplined me. Even harshly-without reverence of my feelings.

Nothing can compare to the relationship I share with You Jesus. You can not be replaced. You have shown me what compassion looks like. You have shown me what mercy can taste like (like that time that idiot-lady made me break so hard (because she cut me off), and I was sure I was about to rear end her and as my breaks were squealing to a hault, I braced myself and said "Jesus" and at an inch from her bumper we didn't hit. I took a deep breath, because I knew my baby was safe. I could smell the burnt rubber of my tires. I was infuriated, but at the stop light when I was right up next to her, I didn't even look over at her and tell her to WATCH THE F! OUT because I HAVE A BABY in the back seat, a PRECIOUS LITTLE BABY who doesn't need to have HIS NECK SNAPPED IN MOTHER-F-ING HALF because of YOUR STUPIDITY!, and you just CAN'T drive like that!) I felt like a Mama cub. I was so outraged, I was shaking, my jaw was shaking violently, my palms were sweating, & that weird warm sensation was going through my spine. But God, You've shown me mercy. Now, I will show others mercy because we don't deserve it, but you give us mercy because of your great love that goes on-and-on-and-on forever and ever. You're incredible.

I love you Jesus because you're just like us. You hung out with the sick (me) and you hated the pompous assholes (the religious folk) and you stood for what was right, and with your words, you spoke stuff into life, and you healed people with mud, and you saved the best for turned water into wine, and you spoke our mere existence into...existence! You raised people from the dead, and loved the woman at the well, and embraced people who were diseased. You're just seriously- ridiculously alive, and you still do crazy stuff today!

Praise You Jesus.
You're like, really really out of control.

I know the calling you have over my life is going to stretch me into places that I fear to go.
But I will go. I trust you because no matter what, you're good.

lump in my throat....
You're good.
No matter what circumstance I face.

and my blog wouldn't be complete without a picture of my pride and joy....
pride and joy:


  1. wow this is beautiful. so real and so true. I love Jesus.

  2. I love all the posts you write, but this is one of the ones that gives me chills because it is so real and so much of the same feelings and emotions I face every day of my life. You're AWESOME, Jesus!