Wednesday, December 19

A Cesarean Birth Of Twins & The Healing It Brought.

I was asked to be her doula in the early stages of her pregnancy.

She had dreamed of what a natural birth could be like, a birth uninterrupted by interventions, bright lights, & the familiar disconnecting blue curtain up to the sky that reminded her of her previous birth.

God blessed her with twin babies in her belly, 6 years after her first daughter was birthed via cesarean.

She and I had many conversations of what these babies meant to her. Trying for a vaginal birth after cesarean (vbac) meant so much to her. She trusted God to lead her in the right direction & I was on board for wherever this journey would take us all.

She took Bradley method classes and interviewed several midwives and doctors to find her right fit. (I was SO proud of her for really digging deep and considering who would be the right birth professional to birth her babies.) She far exceeded my expectations in terms of preparation for birth.

I knew that the Lord put her friendship in my life for a divine purpose. I knew that our cesarean births were no mistake or coincidence. They were purposed by God and had great meaning for both of us. They would bind us as friends and sisters. They were a blessing in disguise to us.

If you know me, you know that my passion for woman finding their voice in birth is rich within me.

Whatever your voice is, I want it to be heard. If you want an epidural, you should have that epidural girl, and that anesthesiologist better not make you wait a minute beyond your breaking point! If you are fighting for a natural birth without interventions, I want you to have that natural birth-and they better not bitch at us if I feed you Gatorade & honey-if you want to squat or lay down! I'll make sure they keep your placenta if you want it for your garden or to encapsulate! I won't let them call you a crazy hippy! You do what you want girl! If your desire is to go into your birth (educated about surgical birth) and you feel it is the best option for your family, I want to support and nurture that desire for a cesarean birth. You do what your gut (and God) tells you is best and I'll be right there to tell a nurse off if she gets it twisted. I've got your back!

Obviously, natural birth has completely changed every fiber that makes me who I am. I talk to who ever will listen about the benefits that uninhibited-unmedicated-supported-educated-natural birth has had on my husband and myself. (God help me. I get weird with it sometimes. I'm not going to lie to you people. I get weird.) I believe it changes woman, if we let it, trust it & believe in it. It will change you. We know how to do it. God created our bodies for it. And when we need extra help, thank God for doctors! BUT, We know how to birth without extra stuff like drugs and people telling us how and when to push our baby out. I know this to be true.

I've seen it change people. I've seen how God uses it to heal & bind husbands and wives. It's a gift that we are sometimes too apprehensive about. It's not mystical-weird-hippy crap. It's not that big of a deal. If you feel weird about it, come talk to me. You're big enough to attempt it. I promise. You're larger than the fear of conquering something that you're scared of., I'll admit it. There is nothing sweeter than watching a family love on their wrinkled up baby just moments after birth. It's like there is a sense of holiness in the room-an aroma of love in it's most raw form. It's intoxicating. It will make your lose your breath & cry like a damn baby. It's lovely. It's what woman dream of their whole lives. It's what birth should be.

So here I was, not even a year from having my vbac and I am asked to support my friend through her VBAC of twins! What a challenge and blessing. My heart was swirling with emotions.

I knew that I'd get the call that it was baby time right around Christmas. I had my calendar marked & was ready for possibly missing Christmas. If it meant supporting my friend through her VBAC, I knew it would be a gift. What a perfect time to welcome new life!

I get the text a few weeks before I was expecting for her birth. Mom was feeling really ill and was hospitalized. Doc wanted babies out. Being out was better than being in at this point. I read the text and immediately had tears in my eyes. I had two hours to put my camera bag together, get myself together and be out the door. Wow. Ok, It's baby time. My heart was racing. A VBAC was off of the table and now it was time to support Mom and Dad right where they were......

I had to put my big girl pants on and dry my tears.

My heart felt really anxious. I was happy that she'd get to meet her twins soon, but I was also sad that her hopes for a vbac were no more. I needed prayer. Dustin prayed for me immediately pleading for a safe birth, for successful breastfeeding of babies (love that man) and for the holy spirit to reside with us during the birth. With teary eyes, he told me that he was proud of what I do. That he wished we had a doula there at Conrad's birth to do for me what I was preparing to do for her. It felt good to know that he was proud of the path that I've taken.

"What you do is important."

Those words are forever etched into my heart.

Because birth IS important.

I texted a few of my bestie-birth-junkie friends who I knew would pray for this Mom & for myself.

That I didn't:

A) Shit myself


B) Throw up in the operating room

         Thankfully, I did neither.

Just a few months ago I was sitting in a room full of woman who were all going through doula training.

I was the only woman in the class of 17 who had experienced a cesarean birth. When the doula trainer had her section on surgical birth and went into great detail of what the operating room during a cesarean birth feels like, smells like, the burning flesh, the cold, the absence of support that the mom may feel once baby is born and Dad goes rushing to the clear plastic crib to snap a few photos, the commotion in the room, the way that the blue curtain can feel so tall and isolating, it was too much for me. The way that no one knows you exist once baby is born. No one talks to you, you're just THERE, waiting for someone to speak to you and tell you what's happening as you cry and listen for something-anything to let you know that everything is OK. I hated that feeling and hated hearing her explain that atmosphere.

The teacher talked about how lonely it can feel for a mother during a cesarean because she feels nothing. Her arms might be tied down. Her doctor might be too busy to acknowledge her OR encourage her that she's actually giving birth. There is a huge feeling of disconnect for some mothers who birth a baby cesarean. The numbness. Feeling "out of it."

During my training as a doula, the description of what a mother experiences during a cesarean birth brought me right back to my own traumatic experience. It was like a trigger. I sat there with my text book in my lap, trying so hard to concentrate on one word in my book and breathe so I wouldn't completely loose my shit and cry. I let a few tears drop and wiped a few away, hoping no one would notice me. I looked up with teary eyes at a woman who now has become a dear friend. Leslie smiled at me assuring me that she was there in that moment and recognized my pain.

The break came for lunch and in my car I broke down. I cried hard and prayed that God would let me someday be that woman beside someone who was going through what I went through. I imagined myself in the roll of a doula, kissing her head and telling her that she was doing a great job, acknowledging that she was indeed birthing a baby out of her body.... telling her that I was proud of her.... telling her that her baby looked gorgeous and pink and plump-crying alongside the Daddy & celebrating the victory of birthing her baby. That dream in my head brought me hope that my experience was not lived in vein. God had a plan for the pain that I had endured.

A friend of mine who was a L&D nurse for 20+ years realized that I was experiencing post traumatic stress syndrome from my cesarean birth. She & I spent some time talking and healing. I also sat with midwife friends, christian woman who knew my pain and could pray for me, and my peers. I took some time to heal & process. I had no idea that my class would trigger that pain and send me right back to my experience in the emergency room with Conrad. I knew that I needed to be that voice of love, support, acceptance, guidance & encouragement to woman who birth cesarean-especially those who do it against their wishes. I needed to be their advocate.

I didn't realize that God had something really special in store for me 
when I went through my doula training.
I didn't realize that God had something really special in store of me
 when I met Crystal.

More about this incredible woman
& the birth that taught me more than I could ever imagine coming soon. 

{Congratulations on your beautiful twins. 
I am honored that you shared this sacred day with me. 
Your family is dear to my heart. }


  1. This post should come with a warning: tear jerker!!! Awesome! This is so honoring to God, a testament of his glory and grace! I cannot wait to read more :)

  2. I love this!! I also want to say that although I've had two cesarean births, my second one was indeed a healing moment even though it was surgical. I felt wrapped in warmth and peace, and even when my daughter was so ill I couldn't hold her for three days, the peace of God was with me. I'm so happy you could be a physical manifestation of healing and peace for another mom! Good for you! It sounds like God has you serving in the perfect way :)

  3. I love this so much. I love, love, love when you share about your passion for birth.

  4. I love you and I love this so much. Praise God and I CANNOT WAIT TO HEAR HOW GOD HEALED PARTS OF YOU!!! We need a phone date ASAP!!!!! xoxoxoxoxo

  5. Wow this was a beautiful story. I am also a (new) birth addict and I have a strong desire to encourage other mothers to birth the way they want. I pray for your continuous healing and your heart to aid other mothers.