I hit rock bottom yesterday. Like as in, stay-at-home-mom rock bottom. I locked myself in the bathroom and cried-not just cried a little sniffle here and tear there. I sobbed and let it out ya'll. It was loud and not pretty.
Like, really, it was the crappiest day I've had in a real long time. I could rattle off a laundry list of every stupid-terribly-awful thing that happened and how I just prayed that the hours would hurry fast to when Dustin would be home and I could get the hell out of dodge-peace the eFF out and go somewhere. Anywhere away from this wretched dung hole of a god-awful day..... and these kids and this gross house and my life! I can't tell you how many times I cried and felt defeated and prayed and asked for deliverance. It wasn't my day, but just like every stupid day, they end and the next day is a new day. We're allowed to have bad days.
Today was a new day. It was a better day. Conrad and I only yelled as loud as we could in each others faces 14 times, so it was a victory. And although I accidentally smashed Elle's fingers while closing the shower door after she opened it a million times, trying to climb on in, i DID get a hot shower. And although the kids locked me out of the house, and we missed story time, and Dustin had to come home and let us in (thankfully he wasn't annoyed about it) I had a good day. I got chicken on the grill, sweet potato fries on in the oven and caned beans in the microwave (don't judge). We didn't get take out or frozen pizza, so I was proud of myself..... I'm just not that Mom who can do it all like the Mom's I see at the park with their cute flat ironed hair and outfit inspiration that they found off of Pinterest (i assume) and kids who behave and don't give them shit all the time like mine. I'm the type of wife who ruins my husbands most favorite mustard colored sweater because I'm too lazy to drop it off and pay an extra 3$ to get dry cleaned, so I ruin it by washing it. He says it doesn't bother him at all and it's "just a sweater" but It was his favorite. I cried over that too yesterday.
In the midst of my terrible day, didn't need a pat on the back or a "you'll be ok" or a "you're a good mom." I needed prayer-lots of prayer. My heart has been heavy, weary, depressed & overcome with anxiety at times. It comes and goes, but the last year has by far been the hardest, most challenging year of my life and seeing those perfect moms at the park on top of having a crappy day just made me realize how hard staying at home (ahem, working & staying at home) with little ones can be. Some days I feel like I'm on the front lines of a battle. I can't get the courage to peek my eyes over the dirt and pull the trigger of my gun. The trenches become so comfortable, I end up laying down and surrendering rather than getting up, prepared for the fight.
I guess I just wanted those moms at the park to see me over there in my faded running shorts and baggy shirt, greasy hair and no make up & acknowledge me. Say hi. Say they recognize that I'm on day 7 of clean eating and exercising & I look hot, even though the scale hasn't MOVED and I've been having fantasies about pastries & pasta..... cried about that too. Not seeing immediate progress kind of is depressing. Mommy hood is lonely at times. (Especially when all of your friends kids are sick and you haven't seen an adult in days it seems.) Those moms at the park were too busy being cute to notice I needed a friend. Whatever though.
Today was a new day. I got up early, took a hot shower, put myself together and if Conrad whined and got mouthy, I stayed under control and dealt with him. If Elle didn't nap, I let it roll off of my back. If I was stressed that I had work to do that didn't get done during naps, I stayed up extra late to do it...... I just took care of business like I knew I could, by the grace of God. I washed poopy diapers with joy in my heart instead of begrudgingly choking on the stench of dirties, I vacuumed, I went over Conrad's pre-school work activities, I answered emails & I had an incredible meeting tonight with a dear doula client. I felt better today and it felt good to feel good. I prayed through my day asking for God's help when I felt defeat coming or a challenge coming.
Next time I see a mom at the park who looks like the day is shitting all over her, I'm going to go acknowledge her. Talk to her. Tell her that her kid is cute or whatever. God knows she's probably going crazy talking to a pre-schooler all day long and needs a few minutes of adult conversation.....
Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. "Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls. "For My yoke is easy, and My load is light."