Wednesday, February 6

Mommy hood: It's Not All Lipstick & Cute Outfits All The Time.

I hit rock bottom yesterday. Like as in, stay-at-home-mom rock  bottom. I locked myself in the bathroom and cried-not just cried a little sniffle here and tear there. I sobbed and let it out ya'll. It was loud and not pretty.

Like, really, it was the crappiest day I've had in a real long time. I could rattle off a laundry list of every stupid-terribly-awful thing that happened and how I just prayed that the hours would hurry fast to when Dustin would be home and I could get the hell out of dodge-peace the eFF out and go somewhere. Anywhere away from this wretched dung hole of a god-awful day..... and these kids and this gross house and my life! I can't tell you how many times I cried and felt defeated and prayed and asked for deliverance. It wasn't my day, but just like every stupid day, they end and the next day is a new day. We're allowed to have bad days.

Today was a new day. It was a better day. Conrad and I only yelled as loud as we could in each others faces 14 times, so it was a victory. And although I accidentally smashed Elle's fingers while closing the shower door after she opened it a million times, trying to climb on in, i DID get a hot shower. And  although the kids locked me out of the house, and we missed story time, and Dustin had to come home and let us in (thankfully he wasn't annoyed about it) I had a good day. I got chicken on the grill, sweet potato fries on in the oven and caned beans in the microwave (don't judge). We didn't get take out or frozen pizza, so I was proud of myself..... I'm just not that Mom who can do it all like the Mom's I see at the park with their cute flat ironed hair and outfit inspiration that they found off of Pinterest (i assume) and kids who behave and don't give them shit all the time like mine. I'm the type of wife who ruins my husbands most favorite mustard colored sweater because I'm too lazy to drop it off and pay an extra 3$ to get dry cleaned, so I ruin it by washing it. He says it doesn't bother him at all and it's "just a sweater" but It was his favorite. I cried over that too yesterday.

In the midst of my terrible day, didn't need a pat on the back or a "you'll be ok" or a "you're a good mom." I needed prayer-lots of prayer. My heart has been heavy, weary, depressed & overcome with anxiety at times. It comes and goes, but the last year has by far been the hardest, most challenging year of my life and seeing those perfect moms at the park on top of having a crappy day just made me realize how hard staying at home (ahem, working & staying at home) with little ones can be. Some days I feel like I'm on the front lines of a battle. I can't get the courage to peek my eyes over the dirt and pull the trigger of my gun. The trenches become so comfortable, I end  up laying down and surrendering rather than getting up, prepared for the fight.

I guess I just wanted those moms at the park to see me over there in my faded running shorts and baggy shirt, greasy hair and no make up & acknowledge me. Say hi. Say they recognize that I'm on day 7 of clean eating and exercising & I look hot, even though the scale hasn't MOVED and I've been having fantasies about pastries & pasta..... cried about that too. Not seeing immediate progress kind of is depressing. Mommy hood is lonely at times. (Especially when all of your friends kids are sick and you haven't seen an adult in days it seems.) Those moms at the park were too busy being cute to notice I needed a friend. Whatever though.

Today was a new day. I got up early, took a hot shower, put myself together and if Conrad whined and got mouthy, I stayed under control and dealt with him. If Elle didn't nap, I let it roll off of my back. If I was stressed that I had work to do that didn't get done during naps, I stayed up extra late to do it...... I just took care of business like I knew I could, by the grace of God. I washed poopy diapers with joy in my heart instead of begrudgingly choking on the stench of dirties, I vacuumed, I went over Conrad's pre-school work activities, I answered emails & I had an incredible meeting tonight with a dear doula client. I felt better today and it felt good to feel good. I prayed through my day asking for God's help when I felt defeat coming or a challenge coming.

Next time I see a mom at the park who looks like the day is shitting all over her, I'm going to go acknowledge her. Talk to her. Tell her that her kid is cute or whatever. God knows she's probably going crazy talking to a pre-schooler all day long and needs a few minutes of adult conversation.....

Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. "Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls. "For My yoke is easy, and My load is light."


  1. You have no idea how this spoke right to my heart this morning.
    Thank you for posting.

    I am putting that Bible verse on my bathroom mirror because it needs to be my daily mantra lately.


  2. Chelsea - you are such an inspiration. I love that you emphasized the importance of prayer in all this. My prayer life is pretty lame if I'm being honest. I pray for a few of my friends as they express their needs, but this part of my walk needs SO MUCH work. It's just something I need to take a step toward with every new morning.

    Thank you for being so real and raw - it's what I love about you and your blog. You give a reality check to me and so many others, and I am truly thankful.

    Thank you!!! Those verses just made my morning. xoxo!!!

  3. You are the best. For being a real life person and letting others see it. Too many of us hide our struggles and we all walk around feeling like our life is the only one that is not roses all the time. Love you, and you are always in my prayers when I have an inkling that you might need an extra prayer or two.

  4. We all have those days, those weeks! I'm coming out of a slump right now. For the first time in probably a month, I'm feeling good about where we're at with Isaac's schedule and getting things done. And those moms at the park are not perfect! I bet they just want us all to think so. They have just as much junk going on as the next mom. Stay at home motherhood sucks sometimes. We all know it ;)

    I needed this reminder today to be praying through everything. Everything. Even on the good days. Because it's never of my own strength. It's always through Him and His wonderful, amazing, perfect, I-could-never-deserve-it grace!!

  5. Big hugs. I have those days too, and you're right, tomorrow is always a new day. Sometimes we even have to go week by week. .

  6. You are so honest! Big hugs to you! I feel the challenge and I agree, we are allowed to have crappy days and just cry it out.

  7. Oh Chelsea! It's comforting knowing that you are going through the same exact things at the same time. Yesterday I was running on the treadmill after having the. worst. day. EVER. and I started bawling so hard that I stopped the treadmill, fell to my knees and just let the tears flow for about 10 minutes. I've cried more in the last months than I have in the last 20 years. Life, kids, a disgusting house... It's taking a toll. But THANK JESUS that everyday day is new. Good God, what would we if that wasn't the case? We'd be screwed! Love you friend. Praying for peace over you and your lovely screaming children:)

    1. Erin, your comment was so encouraging. I had tears in my eyes and then laughed at the end. My lovely screaming children! That describes them well! ;) It's not easy but God as my strength, I'll make it to the end and continue to learn how to juggle it all without so many mommy tantrums and break downs. ;)

      I lurk your instagram and just die over your sweet new boy and your girls. I was so so excited when you got to bring him home and your adoption was complete. I remember seeing photos of you guys together and just bursting into tears-Dustin's like, what? what happened!? Erin & Lane got their baby! I was over joyed.

      Thanks for your prayer & sweet words! Love you girlie! ;)

  8. Perfect. So amazing. So perfect. I love this so much. I love you. Your realness. I miss you SO MUCH my dearest sister friend. Also, I decided last night while watching Dear John that you are Amanda Seyfried's TWIN. Literally. xoxo

  9. i love that first picture. you are beautiful.

    today was one of those days for me too. it was awful. i understand. and i did not look cute at all either.

    praying for you girly. i know it's rough.

  10. Thank you for sharing this. Reading this is so timely for me...and now I have this on repeat:

    Blessings to you and your family.

  11. I so get this. It's been a shit year for me. Lots of anxiety and depression showing it's ugly face in my life, and I'm pretty sick of it. But I just keep pushing through. Saying a prayer for you. Here's to new days!

  12. Hey, i just wanted to say that I would have sat down right next to you at the park and started small talk. If I didn't read your blog religiously and consider you a bit of a celebrity, if I saw you at the park you'd be just the Mama I'd gravitate to. I have days like that, and know how important and helpful it is to be able to bounce thoughts, ideas and crappy feelings off other Moms. We probably would have talked the whole time, ended up exchanging info, and both felt better, stronger, and ready to face the rest of the day. You are one of my heros.

  13. Oh, I wish I had been at the park that day. If I didn't read your blog religiously and consider you a bit of a celebrity, if I saw you at the park you'd be just the kind of Mama I'd gravitate to. I would have started up small talk, and we probably would have chatted the whole time and ended up exchanging info so we could have play dates in the near future. I know the importance and necessity of bouncing ideas, bad-day anecdotes, and dreams off other Moms. I hope you have better days coming, and I hope that you continue to turn to the Lord on hard days.

  14. I'm a stay at home mom with two challenging ones too....The days do get hard and I also feel depressed. Then the occasional good day comes along to redeem the bad ones. I've been reading Desperate: Hope for the mom that needs to breathe by Sarah Mae and Sally Clarkson. It is so comforting to know we are not alone! I'm inspired by your blog and love that you are honest! It's so refreshing. In honor of that, I want you to know I am writing this while in yoga pants, showerless, while my kids ransack the house : ). Keep going!!

  15. Chels. Honestly , your AWESOME !
    I think you are an amazing Mamma !!
    Just wanted to let you know I think the world of you !

  16. Just remember, even if those moms at the park look like they have it all together THEY DON'T! No mom does. Nobody does for that matter. We all have something we struggle with.

    Being a mom is such a learning process that never ends. Just when you think you've got it, some new issue arises. But such is life! God likes to challenge us, but will never throw something at you that you can't handle. And believe me, you're not the only mom to have yelled at her kids. Gods mercies are new every morning.

    You got this, Chelsea!

  17. Ughhhh! I love how real you are! I'm sitting here reading this going, "Yes...been there...felt that (today)...compared myself to the Mom that never seems stressed out...." Thank you for being so real and makes the rest of us go, "OMG, I'm not the only one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

  18. YES--thank you for posting what the rest of us don't have the courage too! God bless you--all us--in this calling of motherhood!

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  20. Hi Chelsea! Just reading through your blog, it's been a while! This post spoke to me in so many ways. Thank you for sharing this, you have a way with words and expressing your beautiful, encouraging, mama heart. xo!