Is It True What They Say About #2?

"I feel like maybe since I haven't formed as strong of a connection with this baby (as I did with my first baby during pregnancy), maybe that means that God is preparing me for a baby that I won't get to keep....Maybe by taking my baby from me, he would be teaching me a lesson or punishing me for something."

I shamefully, admitted this fear with a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes to a dear friend recently.

"Chelsea, THAT.IS.A.LIE! God doesn't operate like that. He loves this baby EVEN MORE than you EVER could. Would you kill Conrad's pet dog to punish him? No. Out of our heartache, sure, God can reveal things to us and teach us, but he doesn't cause death to teach lessons. I don't believe that describes the heart of God."

Is it true what they say about #2? The second pregnancy flies by without a thought for many woman because you're so preoccupied with your (other) children. Does it make me a monster for not having baby on my brain 24/7? Instead, I've got birth on my brain!

Some days I forget that I'm even pregnant. I've been so busy with my toddler and busy preparing my heart, mind & spirit for bringing my baby into the world that I've forgotten about the baby I'm carrying. 

I had such a deep connection with Conrad when I was pregnant. Or maybe I just had too much time on my hands to agonize about pregnancy.... I had dreams about holding him, I had dreams about nursing him, I had a dream that he had blond curls, & I dreamed that he was a boy. I haven't dreamed about this baby at all though. Is that bad? Am I too consumed with my 1st child to realize the miracle of being pregnant with my 2nd child? Have I feel like last time I concentrated SO much on making sure I had the baby's room fully stocked, hospital hat embroidered with his name (which seems totally ridiculous to me now.) & had every random-unnecessary baby item possible but didn't think AT ALL about how I was going to birth my baby!

My thoughts this pregnancy are consumed with making sure I'm remembering to do my Kegels (I even get texts from my husband daily that read, "KEGELS! ....SQUEEZE!!!!!" & "Do your Kegels or I'll Keel you!")  I'm counting my protein intake, watching every birth video I can find <----watch this video. I've been going to VBAC birth meetings where other woman have birthed successfully (at home) after cesarean & share their experiences with me, I'm going to Bradley Method birthing classes and reading every birthing book I can get my hands on. My husband has called me a "Birth Junkie." And rightfully so. He has sat through four birth documentaries so far this pregnancy & doesn't flinch when I show him really amazing pictures of placentas!

I have fallen in love with birth. I am a junkie, and I am OK with that. This time around, ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT is the BIRTH! I fear I've forgotten about the BABY! I know now that all I really need are a few white onesies, a good baby carrier & supportive friends who don't let you give up with breastfeeding! Everything else is just fluff. I totally feel like I have felt in the past when I've trained for marathons. Your whole self goes into the preparation for the race ahead of you.

I haven't thought much about the sex or the name. In the back of my mind I'm thinking, "Let's just get the baby out, and then we can think about it's gender and name!" Those two very important details have been far from my mind. (Dustin says we should name the baby Otto if it's a boy and Otta if it's a girl. He's REAL serious about naming our child. Every name he comes up with is some weird random name that he tries to convince me would be perfect for our child and pretends to be offended when I disagree.) 

Dustin took me on a really long walk the other night and we got to talk about the baby, just the baby! We reminisced about the early new born days with Conrad and how he made those sweet, delicious little coos and how he used to smile after he ate. How cuddly he was. How special those late nights were feeding Conrad together (Dustin fed while I pumped milk for the next feeding.) Those late nights together, taking care of our new baby are dear memories to us. Neither of us ever complained. Dustin reminded me how our baby added to our lives, he didn't take away from it like people are notoriously warning new parents about. Dustin is sure that another child is only going to bless our marriage more and draw us closer to the Lord. I love being reminded of that.

I'm trying to focus and enjoy this precious baby inside and make that strong connection. Today at church I barely paid attention to the message because I was all weepy and emotional watching my friend in front of me care for her 4 week old little boy with his cute little Mohawk hair. My heart is so focused on the goal of birth but I can't forget about the prize waiting for me (IN 11 WEEKS! OH-EM-GEE! I can't believe it!)

Here are a few pictures from our weekend:

Breakfast at Panera Bread.

 

Then we chased birds at the park.
Conrad insisted on wearing his hat and insisted that Daddy wear his hat as well.

Conrad got really excited when he saw the horses on the carousel. 

We checked out the butterfly exhibit at the Bellagio.

{Hope you had a great weekend as well.}