Sunday, May 15

Is It True What They Say About #2?

"I feel like maybe since I haven't formed as strong of a connection with this baby (as I did with my first baby during pregnancy), maybe that means that God is preparing me for a baby that I won't get to keep....Maybe by taking my baby from me, he would be teaching me a lesson or punishing me for something."

I shamefully, admitted this fear with a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes to a dear friend recently.

"Chelsea, THAT.IS.A.LIE! God doesn't operate like that. He loves this baby EVEN MORE than you EVER could. Would you kill Conrad's pet dog to punish him? No. Out of our heartache, sure, God can reveal things to us and teach us, but he doesn't cause death to teach lessons. I don't believe that describes the heart of God."

Is it true what they say about #2? The second pregnancy flies by without a thought for many woman because you're so preoccupied with your (other) children. Does it make me a monster for not having baby on my brain 24/7? Instead, I've got birth on my brain!

Some days I forget that I'm even pregnant. I've been so busy with my toddler and busy preparing my heart, mind & spirit for bringing my baby into the world that I've forgotten about the baby I'm carrying. 

I had such a deep connection with Conrad when I was pregnant. Or maybe I just had too much time on my hands to agonize about pregnancy.... I had dreams about holding him, I had dreams about nursing him, I had a dream that he had blond curls, & I dreamed that he was a boy. I haven't dreamed about this baby at all though. Is that bad? Am I too consumed with my 1st child to realize the miracle of being pregnant with my 2nd child? Have I feel like last time I concentrated SO much on making sure I had the baby's room fully stocked, hospital hat embroidered with his name (which seems totally ridiculous to me now.) & had every random-unnecessary baby item possible but didn't think AT ALL about how I was going to birth my baby!

My thoughts this pregnancy are consumed with making sure I'm remembering to do my Kegels (I even get texts from my husband daily that read, "KEGELS! ....SQUEEZE!!!!!" & "Do your Kegels or I'll Keel you!")  I'm counting my protein intake, watching every birth video I can find <----watch this video. I've been going to VBAC birth meetings where other woman have birthed successfully (at home) after cesarean & share their experiences with me, I'm going to Bradley Method birthing classes and reading every birthing book I can get my hands on. My husband has called me a "Birth Junkie." And rightfully so. He has sat through four birth documentaries so far this pregnancy & doesn't flinch when I show him really amazing pictures of placentas!

I have fallen in love with birth. I am a junkie, and I am OK with that. This time around, ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT is the BIRTH! I fear I've forgotten about the BABY! I know now that all I really need are a few white onesies, a good baby carrier & supportive friends who don't let you give up with breastfeeding! Everything else is just fluff. I totally feel like I have felt in the past when I've trained for marathons. Your whole self goes into the preparation for the race ahead of you.

I haven't thought much about the sex or the name. In the back of my mind I'm thinking, "Let's just get the baby out, and then we can think about it's gender and name!" Those two very important details have been far from my mind. (Dustin says we should name the baby Otto if it's a boy and Otta if it's a girl. He's REAL serious about naming our child. Every name he comes up with is some weird random name that he tries to convince me would be perfect for our child and pretends to be offended when I disagree.) 

Dustin took me on a really long walk the other night and we got to talk about the baby, just the baby! We reminisced about the early new born days with Conrad and how he made those sweet, delicious little coos and how he used to smile after he ate. How cuddly he was. How special those late nights were feeding Conrad together (Dustin fed while I pumped milk for the next feeding.) Those late nights together, taking care of our new baby are dear memories to us. Neither of us ever complained. Dustin reminded me how our baby added to our lives, he didn't take away from it like people are notoriously warning new parents about. Dustin is sure that another child is only going to bless our marriage more and draw us closer to the Lord. I love being reminded of that.

I'm trying to focus and enjoy this precious baby inside and make that strong connection. Today at church I barely paid attention to the message because I was all weepy and emotional watching my friend in front of me care for her 4 week old little boy with his cute little Mohawk hair. My heart is so focused on the goal of birth but I can't forget about the prize waiting for me (IN 11 WEEKS! OH-EM-GEE! I can't believe it!)

Here are a few pictures from our weekend:
Breakfast at Panera Bread.
Then we chased birds at the park.
Conrad insisted on wearing his hat and insisted that Daddy wear his hat as well.
Conrad got really excited when he saw the horses on the carousel. 
We checked out the butterfly exhibit at the Bellagio.
{Hope you had a great weekend as well.}


  1. This is such a beautiful post and you look lovely!

  2. I'm guessing though the horses excited him, you didn't give in ;]
    I felt similar for a while, especially in November. Rusty got attacked by a pit bull, Lily got 27 stitches, we moved, Eamon was out of work. It was CRAZY. And even before that, I was fearful of all sorts of things.
    Chels, not only was this baby given to you, but YOU were given to this baby. You are preparing JUST as the lord would have you for THIS baby. Don't worry honey, that's not from the Lord.

    Will you please hurry up and get huger?

  3. You know, I barely got to think about my last pregnancy either. My little guy kept me so busy! I was thankful it flew by, and the birth came and it was so different than I had planned, but it was beautiful. I got to have her naturally.
    I too sometimes feel like since I love my kids so much they may be snatched from me. I am reminded by my husband that God is not a God of fear and doubt but of love and mercy.
    Glad to know I am not alone in this journey of motherhood! :)

  4. Anna, you are SO right! ;)

    I don't really have expectations for this birth, but just the chance to try is what's most important for me. I can't even imagine what that day will be like. Probably the wildest day of my life, i'm sure. Someone recently suggested that I prepare myself for the worst just incase it doesn't "go as I have planned" and I don't think that that advice is bad, i'm just preparing for the best and depending on God to give me the desires of my heart and to do what would glorify Him above all else. I'm going into it expecting great things rather than imagining the "what if's" and bad things that could happen.

    Great reminder though that our god is not a god of fear and doubt but love and mercy. Thank you for that! My friend Dotty just left almost those exact words on my voicemail today. ;)

  5. Thank you for posting this! I don't have any kids (yet) but it's kind of nice to take a peek inside your life to know what I've got to look forward to!

  6. Awww, sweets you'll love your second one just as much as your first, because you are a great momma! Your heart will multiply even more... and you may complain once or twice (because you did with Conrad too, I remember;).

  7. Chelsea,
    I think it is awesome that you are preparing yourself so well for the birth, and totally normal that you are not as in tune with this baby. You know now that you are developing that relationship as you go (you are, even if you aren't thinking as hard about it), and you have confidence about life as a new mom, since you have done it before. What I would say about the birth is to remember that it is just one day in your baby's life. It is a VERY important day; it is a day that you will be blessed by preparing for.

    At the same time, I compare it a bit to ones own birthday anniversary. You may have a great birthday this year, but you aren't going to judge the whole year by how your birthday went; same thing (thank goodnesss) if it ends up being a bad day. Hopefully each baby’s birthday will be its own beautiful event, and a good memory for you for eternity. Either way, the minutes, hours, days, weeks and months that follow will be the ones that form your relationship with your baby for life.

    I think you are a great example of a woman of God and an awesome mom!

  8. are completely normal and I know EXACTLY what you are feeling!!! I experienced the very same feelings. I actually don't think I bonded with Baby C until he was a couple of months old. A big part of me could not let go of the thought that my only child would now have to share his mommy and it was SO hard at first when Baby C was born. I wanted to be there for my older son and cuddle and snuggle with him, but this new life needed me more. It felt like a separation...but it wasn't. It was just an adjustment and now...I watch my boys play together and laugh together and I know that every emotion I felt and every thing I went through was worth it.

    You are right though. Stop stressing about the actual birth and enjoy just being pregnant! Your body will absolutely know what to do when the time comes. It will probably surprise you how your body will react. Cherish this special time. It will go by very fast!!!

  9. Chelsea!! I love this! You are such a fantastic and inspirational person! Words can't even describe. I'm so beyond excited for you and I think you're doing the right thing... not that I know how it is to give birth or have a child BUT it sounds like you're perfectly & realistically prepared and taking it one step at a time. I love your outlook that having children has "added to your marriage". I get really discouraged when so many people tell me your life is over after having children and it's a stress on your marriage. I love seeing that you and Dustin are still so in love & encouraging to each other. You're awesome! I love you!

  10. I love how open and honest you are--and I'm definitely rooting for your VBAC (will you root for mine?!) I wish we had a VBAC group here--the closest one is an hour away and we can't do that distance. There is also no birthing center nearby so more than likely we'll do an unmedicated hospital birth..still working out the kinks. Enough about me---I'm excited for YOU!

  11. I'm pregnant with my first child and I haven't had time to think about anything baby! We've been busy moving and it's been taking forever to get our new house in order. To top it off, my husband works mostly nights so I've been feeling SO alone. I barely have any pics of my belly becuase I'm always home alone and I really feel that I haven't gotten to enjoy my pregnancy with ANYONE like a lot of women do. It makes me feel like I'm going to be a horrible mom, but I just have not had the time to really sit and think or discuss it with anyone! At least you have good friends giving you the support you need and I'm totally worried about birth so I can imagine your thoughts with a VBAC. You will do great though!

  12. Kelly, I can assure you, it will get easier. Especially when you feel the baby kicking and you can connect with it in that way, it makes it more real.

    My advice to any first time mom, don't take the classes the hospital provides. Those classes are ridiculous. they do nothing to empower a mom and make her feel like she had the ability to birth her baby without help of drugs, pitocin, forceps, vacuum extractors, & epidurals. I would STRONGLY suggest taking some birthing classes if you're worried about birth, at Well Rounded Mamma here in vegas. Call and see about their Birthing from within classes (702) 795-2500. If you're birthing in the hospital, HIRE A DOULA. She will be your guardian. When you're in too much pain to express your needs, when your hubby doesn't know exactly what to say to get you through the pain, she will know what to do to massage you, sooth you and support you. She will also fight off the nurses when they want to intervene with drugs (if you're not comfortable with drugs.) or she'll make sure the room is dark and as quiet as possible so you can have peace and be relaxed. You could also take the bradley method classes with your husband. the classes teach you techniques on how to relax through labor, they teach your husband how to coach you through labor and they teach you how to eat properly during pregnancy. You learn stretching excersices and the best positions to be in during labor to lesson your pain etc.

    The 8 hour class we paid for when i was pregnant with conrad was horrible. it didn't teach us anything really. it did more to prepare us for the (bad) experience we had at the hospital. I can't stress enough how important taking classes like the ones offered at Well Rounded Mamma are. I have a few really great doctors in town that I know of as well who respect a mothers birthing choices, will allow you to birth with a doula, and also will allow you to labor in a birthing tub if you'd like one (the water usually helps reduce pain and take pressure off of your back during contractions. Otherwise, you'll be confined to a bed and hooked up to most cases hospitals don't encourage mom's to move around, make any kind of moaning noises through contractions or disagree with them when they want to intervene and move your labor along and make it go faster, but that's just my experience. Hospitals aren't "bad" I just didn't have a great experience trying to labor naturally in one.) I can give you their information if you'd like.

    If you're scared about birth, I'd read "Ina May's guide to child birth" and "She births" You can also read "husband coached childbirth" and "birthing from within." They ALL have incredible information, birth stories and great insight into birth that has been super helpful to me to take the fear of birth away.

    You'll do great. ;)

  13. this is so true, friend. and you are so beautiful!

  14. Warning: delurking with a super long comment :)
    ~I was simply blown away by what your friend said. So often I approach things with the same mindset you had and I was shocked by the truth of your friends' words. I'm going to ponder them awhile longer :)
    ~Thanks for the lovely comment & I hope everything goes well as you transition your little man to his toddler bed :)
    ~P.S. I def. could not rock those glasses- but you sure did! Love em!

  15. thanks! (ps, what specifically were you talking about? what friend? Just curious!)

  16. This part: "Chelsea, THAT.IS.A.LIE! God doesn't operate like that. He loves this baby EVEN MORE than you EVER could....."

    I assumed someone told you that. I especially like the part about God teaching us lessons in our heartache but not death :)
    Or were those your own thoughts?

  17. Oh yeah, my friend said that quote. I thought you were talking about what someone said in the comment section. ;)

    Thanks! ;)

  18. Chelsea I KNOW how you feel! I felt that way when I was prego with Hyrum- my number 2- and also about maybe he would be taken from me. I think it's just a fear I have, which made me even think that would happen. It IS my worst nightmare! But I would remind myself that's all it is (:

  19. I loved that video. Almost makes me want to have another one! I love reading about C. making daddy wear a hat too. Will does the same thing all the time. They want to be just like their daddies. Can't wait to see your new little one!
    I want to make you something for a baby gift, do you want a gender neutral something now, or do you want to wait and choose something girly or boyish? Do you want to check out my newest stuff and tell me what your favorites are?

  20. I don't have children, but I am sure you are just preoccupied with life right now! When you get pregnant for the first time, everything is BRAND NEW! Pregnancy isn't brand new for you. I am sure once this precious little child is born, you will fall in love instantly, just like you did the first time :)

  21. Mae, you're perfectly correct, we DID NOT let him ride the horses! ;)

    Maybe next time. I don't think he's ready yet (or i'm not ready yet to deal with another tantrum when i have to pry him away from them....sad day.)

    Thanks for the words of encouragement ladies!

  22. I hope my second baby files by! But I actually did love the whole pregnancy part. I am now following your lovely blog...but Ahhhh now you have 399 followers..I'm OCD about weird odd numbers LOL

     Delighted Momma