Yesterday, since it was too cold for the park,
Conrad ran around the kitchen popping bubbles and I took some pictures.
I sent this text "I need prayer today I've been the most evil, bitter, emotional, angry, critical person. Please lift me up in prayer." To a few of my prayer warrior friends who know exactly what a psycho I can be (especially while pregnant.) Then I texted, "Pregnancy brings all of the nasty things in my character to the surface which refines me, but it makes me broken. You know?" To which my friend texted back, "That's why we need Jesus and the cross. Go sit with God & repent so you can let the Lord change your heart." I love that. I love what happens when we spend time with Him, tears pouring down, and tell him that we're broken, even though He already knows, just saying out loud, "Jesus, I need you today, I'm desperate for you to change me!" I believe Those words are sweet to His ears.
I LOVE that we're having another baby, it's magical and amazing,
but I HATE who pregnancy makes me!
I came to the realization that the wicked things in my heart and character that are coming to the surface are God's way of stripping down, taking away, & cutting off the bad pieces to reveal something better for my babies, to make me a better Mom for them and to make me more like Him. If I never confronted the sin in my heart, I'd always be this way. I don't want to be this way, the way I've been lately.
I got to thinking while I spent time with God yesterday, Why is it that when I'm pregnant, it's SO much harder to not be mean to people? There's no filter on my mouth, my heart isn't as sensitive to others? Why? When people would cross me and give me dirty looks when I was pregnant with Conrad, I'd give them a piece of my mind! I realized that pregnancy gave me BALLS! But that's the wrong perspective I'm afraid. It's not a good thing that I'm quick to anger and not afraid to tell people off! That's an awful way to be! I'm surprised I have a single friend Still. Seriously.
I talked to a friend yesterday about how I've been feeling & It felt good to know that I'm not the only person who doesn't love carrying a child- I'm just not one of those woman. She shared with me that she gets a little depressed too at times and being pregnant doesn't bring out the best in her either. I feel guilty about not loving pregnancy, but It feels good to know I'm not alone!
I don't like feeling like my body is being taken over, but I DO like laying flat on my black and feeling that tomato sized lump and sending it love vibes! It makes me smile. I don't however enjoy the pregnancy dreams! Last night I had a dream that our baby was a boy, he had brown curly hair and had down syndrome. It was a freaky dream because his mouth was on the other side of his face.... The crazy sex dreams are a little disturbing as well. You know the one where the guy's face you're "with" keeps changing into different dudes? Sick right? (*Every pregnant has crazy, weird sex dreams. I'm not the only freak in town y'all. It just happens. It's part of pregnancy!) I do love how (before Dustin left for work today), I told him about my dreams and he put his hand on my belly and prayed for our little tomato and for my well being, knowing that I've been struggling lately. That makes me smile.
With Conrad, we were SO excited, we talked to the belly and prayed for him all the time, and with this baby, we've just been so busy, we forget to enjoy the miracle of it. It's amazing that this week the baby is learning how to move it's hands and feet. How stinking cute is that?! I HATE throwing up after I've just devoured a perfectly delicious piece of banana cake (from scratch), but I DO love getting a big bag full of maternity clothes from my friend (Thanks Sofia!) Those are good things. I'm trying to find the good in everything these days, aside from the nauseousness, exhaustion, cravings, head aches, crazy sex dreams, depression, mood swings and not feeling like myself.
Only 205 days left!!! God help me.
(Please forgive me for rambling on about how lame I've been lately.)