Tuesday, February 1

I hate who pregnancy makes me

Yesterday, since it was too cold for the park,
Conrad ran around the kitchen popping bubbles and I took some pictures.
I sent this text "I need prayer today I've been the most evil, bitter, emotional, angry, critical person. Please lift me up in prayer." To a few of my prayer warrior friends who know exactly what a psycho I can be (especially while pregnant.) Then I texted, "Pregnancy brings all of the nasty things in my character to the surface which refines me, but it makes me broken. You know?" To which my friend texted back, "That's why we need Jesus and the cross. Go sit with God & repent so you can let the Lord change your heart." I love that. I love what happens when we spend time with Him, tears pouring down, and tell him that we're broken, even though He already knows, just saying out loud, "Jesus, I need you today, I'm desperate for you to change me!" I believe Those words are sweet to His ears.

I LOVE that we're having another baby, it's magical and amazing,
but I HATE who pregnancy makes me!

I came to the realization that the wicked things in my heart and character that are coming to the surface are God's way of stripping down, taking away, & cutting off the bad pieces to reveal something better for my babies, to make me a better Mom for them and to make me more like Him. If I never confronted the sin in my heart, I'd always be this way. I don't want to be this way, the way I've been lately.

I got to thinking while I spent time with God yesterday, Why is it that when I'm pregnant, it's SO much harder to not be mean to people? There's no filter on my mouth, my heart isn't as sensitive to others? Why? When people would cross me and give me dirty looks when I was pregnant with Conrad, I'd give them a piece of my mind! I realized that pregnancy gave me BALLS! But that's the wrong perspective I'm afraid. It's not a good thing that I'm quick to anger and not afraid to tell people off! That's an awful way to be! I'm surprised I have a single friend Still. Seriously.

I talked to a friend yesterday about how I've been feeling & It felt good to know that I'm not the only person who doesn't love carrying a child- I'm just not one of those woman. She shared with me that she gets a little depressed too at times and being pregnant doesn't bring out the best in her either. I feel guilty about not loving pregnancy, but It feels good to know I'm not alone!

I don't like feeling like my body is being taken over, but I DO like laying flat on my black and feeling that tomato sized lump and sending it love vibes! It makes me smile. I don't however enjoy the pregnancy dreams! Last night I had a dream that our baby was a boy, he had brown curly hair and had down syndrome. It was a freaky dream because his mouth was on the other side of his face.... The crazy sex dreams are a little disturbing as well. You know the one where the guy's face you're "with" keeps changing into different dudes? Sick right? (*Every pregnant has crazy, weird sex dreams. I'm not the only freak in town y'all. It just happens. It's part of pregnancy!) I do love how (before Dustin left for work today), I told him about my dreams and he put his hand on my belly and prayed for our little tomato and for my well being, knowing that I've been struggling lately. That makes me smile.

With Conrad, we were SO excited, we talked to the belly and prayed for him all the time, and with this baby, we've just been so busy, we forget to enjoy the miracle of it. It's amazing that this week the baby is learning how to move it's hands and feet. How stinking cute is that?! I HATE throwing up after I've just devoured a perfectly delicious piece of banana cake (from scratch), but I DO love getting a big bag full of maternity clothes from my friend (Thanks Sofia!) Those are good things. I'm trying to find the good in everything these days, aside from the nauseousness, exhaustion, cravings, head aches, crazy sex dreams, depression, mood swings and not feeling like myself.
Only 205 days left!!! God help me.
(Please forgive me for rambling on about how lame I've been lately.)


  1. Love the bubble pics!! I would have cried about the already eaten banana bread. Sad.

    You are growing a human!?! :D I hope your spirits are lifted in the next couple of days!

  2. you can do it! time will whiz by once you're past the nausea stage i'm sure :)

  3. Oh god, the pregnant sex dreams! Mine were...interesting. And I was ALWAYS tired so I had many opportunities to have bizarro dreams.

    This too shall pass chickadee. It's a tough job making people. But somebody has to do it!

  4. Yes, It IS hard making people! You put a smile on my face Amanda! Thanks girl! I'm hanging in there! I'm not constantly a "debbie downer" but i have my moments for sure.

  5. beautiful pictures, and pregnant or not, i too would cry over thrown up banana cake. hang in there. i'll be sending prayer your way :)

  6. I so know what you mean! I just texted the husband and asked him to pray for me because these hormones of mine are seriously wreaking havoc!!!! I've lost all interest in things, I'm super annoyed at almost everything and I cry for no apparent reason. I just can't wait til my little mister gets here. Thank God he's due this month.

    I'll keep you in my prayers.


  7. This piece really spoke to me. I've been having a rough time lately (despite not being pregnant, I blame mine on being engaged) where I'm having a lot of irrational thoughts and coping with changes in myself. I've always had insecurities and they seem to just be screaming at me lately. I don't get it but I don't like the...I'll say..."bitchy"...person it's making me, especially to my almost husband. I find my self constantly irritated and getting really emotionally hurt over things that really aren't a big deal and communication sure isn't my strong point so I don't even convey my feelings well, so it almost always results in a fight. I feel attacked, he feels attacked and we're back where we started. That being said, I've been trying to rely a lot on prayer and its been tough but after reading this I know I'm doing the right thing in turning to God to help me through this. I feel better and in a way, comforted knowing that you're finding peace with God and I can too if I keep at it. So thank you for your posts, I look forward to them more than I should probably admit. :]

  8. Thank you for reminding all of us never-been-pregnant ladies that it isn't all a walk in the park and not everyone loves being el preggo. It's refreshing.

  9. ugh i'm moody and crazy and i'm NOT pregnant- i can only imagine! be strong! the Lord will give you strength.
    those are huge bubbles. when i play with my cousin gretchen, they are like tiny-tiny.

  10. oh he is so precious!!

    dont apologize for the way you feel dear. i really enjoy your posts aka rambling <3 ive never been pregnant before and honestly, im learning a lot from you. its courageous and pretty rad that you are confronting yourself with your emotions/issues and even posting them here for the world to see. inspiring. and i admire you.


  11. I will pray for you dear. Sounds like you are having a rough time of it. I am so thankful that you have prayer warriors and are able to go to the only true source of life, God.

  12. These pics are way too darling!

    Sending you good thoughts hon.

  13. I am 11 weeks pregnant with my first baby and I have been having CRAZY dreams too! It is going to be quite the adventure! Hang in there girl! -Kelli

  14. What sweet pictures! I also love your pink frame in your kitchen!

    Congratulations on your little bundle of joy! Best of wishes!

  15. A-MEN. i need these reminders and i'm not even preggers.

  16. You know I go through the same thing. A few weeks ago someone told me that pregnancy is my labor, and the actual birth is my celebration. I get 10 months of hard shit to dredge through, but then my labor is a celebration!
    And touche on the sex dreams. I. Freaking. Hate. Them. I've been with one person my whole life, and when I wake up from being unconsciously poked by people I've never touched [or even met in real life...I don't really complain about the Leo sex dreams...ANYWAY...] I get really freaked out...

    I love you ;] You'll get to the fun part soon!

  17. Thank you for that Mae. I needed that. Now I feel like I can look at the pregnancy part as the hard part and the labor as a celebration-an end to these awful months! <3

  18. how awesome that God in our brokenness can still use us, and refine us to be a useful vessel. praying for you, your babies your life. xoxo :)