Sunday, June 20

Public displays of Affection: My mother.

I like you mom, because you're raw. You live your life with your feelings on the outside of yourself, no matter how ugly, pretty, sensible or harmful those feelings may be. You have harmed me. For years, I have mourned the woman that you are, and I am that same woman too. I am broken, I am upset at the past, I am flipping mother f-ers off left and right. But I love you so much that it hurts. I understand.

You are who you are, and YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.  Who you are has made me who I am. The OVERLY-emotional girl, who loves clothes and whose heart aches for those less fortunate (because we were less fortunate at one point). The girl who tells inappropriate racist jokes at "prim and proper" breakfasts' with "prim and proper" Christian girls who don't "get" me (that make me cry when I leave, saying to myself "to HELL with them! They don't get me") When all the while, I am BRAVE, and I am dignified because of YOU! You were the one who grew up with us. You were never the "mother", You were more than that. You never sheltered me from the world. I always saw it for how it was. I tasted it, I bit off a big chunk and decided that the world sucks. It's disgusting. You opened my eyes to reality. The reality that beneath the muck and Meyer of this rotting place, light and love still live. Even if I couldn't see it at first. I was woven from what you were made of, and I have to rejoice in that. Jesus was so real to me because of what I got to experience as a child, and without you, that wouldn't have made much sense. 

It is the child in you that I love. It is the suffering that grew me the thick skin that I hate and love with the same intensity. I hate that we fought for so long when I was growing up. I hate that you had nothing. I hate that you probably cried yourself to sleep at night wanting to give me so much but couldn't. I hate that you had a fucked up childhood and I wish that I could fix it. I wish that I could go back and slap the ass holes who hurt you. But I have peace knowing that Jesus' blood is rich and it covers all of those dirty memories. I know that his love seeps into all of the hurt in your heart and He is BIG. His love seeps into my heart too. I am free now. These weights are falling off of me. I am praying that over you. My love for you is deep and wide and far. I can only say that because of Jesus living in me. 

I am confident that all of the sin is lifted and we are COVERED. There is nothing that can't be healed. There is NOTHING that He cannot change. Even in the darkness, He shines! Jesus is responsible for resurrecting our families unity. Out of the darkness, depravity, and disappointments of life, He has changed us in a mighty way. We have witnessed something special (even if it hurts), there is a bond that cannot be separated.

I'm jazzed watching you as a grandma. (You rock by the way). I have prayed for you, I have shed many tears and I am rejoicing in the truth that God is good and he changes situations. He still is a God of miracles. I'm watching these two AMAZING people grow into these incredible lovers of the Lord and it breaks my heart (in a good way). I can't wait to celebrate with you for eternity.
You guys are such cute grandparents. 

Conrad feeding Grandpa a Cheeto.
I just LOVE who you are. I love that you are seeing the world with new eyes, and you're going at it with full force. You're not afraid. You are beating those addictions that once ruled your heart and mind. You are living for the Lord, even if you don't wear your "Sunday's best" and know all the right answers. 
You own it, and you are victorious in Christ. 

You don't have to be that girl with her legs crossed, raising her hand for the right answer, looking perfect all the time. And neither do I. We can be raw, we can get dirty and be who we are. It's all good. I don't have to be ashamed that I don't fit into any particular "mold". I don't have to impress anyone. 

By the way, I love you Mom. (even if I hold you responsible for the fact that I FART in front of my husband and say really REALLY inappropriate racist jokes, and because of those two facts, I've ostracised myself from society all together and have NO friends......) But in all honesty, I was raised with a brother who thought that I WAS his brother, and so we farted on each others heads a lot, and my sisters  held me down-tickling me until I wet myself (a lot). This happened repeatedly, and NOW I think it's OK to be a complete embarrassment to my husband. 

Have a "passionate" day. 

(You wouldn't get the "passionate day" part if you weren't my mother. She works for a sex toy company and writes "have a passionate day" At the bottom of ALL of her emails! A very "prestigious" sex toy company's not a big deal at all really. She does give really awesome stocking stuffers to my husband that make him red in the face and leave me laughing my ass off
You can love Jesus but still work for a sex toy company right?!) 

My Dad & I posing for a photo. 
Fathers Day picnic 2010.

I Love you Mom.  Just thought you should know, I'm your biggest fan. 


  1. i love this so much and love your family even more!! man, God is good!!

    favorite line: "I tasted it, I bit off a big chunk and decided that the world sucks. It's disgusting."

    and I will have a passionate day ;)

    love you heaps!!

  2. this post is really amazing girl. i really love it and was moved by it. what a great mom. i don't believe that you have no friends, you are too awesome not too. and gorgeous at that! xoxo

  3. Not to butt in or be a bitch about it cause I know it's none of my business but I have been down this road before and felt like I wanted to share on the subject of "using God's name in vain." If you are saying or doing something in vain it means to do it without the desired outcome or for it to be fruitless. When Chelsea stated that "He mother Fing shines God damnit!" I totally caught the praise and excitement in that statement so therefore it wasn't in vain. I felt her joyover what He means to her. I'm sure that saying it that way makes a lot of people think twice about it but the reality is words are just words. It the weight behind them that gives them power. For whatever reason why our culture has decided to make these words "bad" words I don't know but I think that we are too quick to get are feathers ruffled and miss the heart behind what someone is truly saying. Anyway, I'm stepping down off of my soap box now. Great post Chelsea. SOunds like your mom is a strong and courageous lady!

  4. OK, I'm pretty blown away here.... I've read this several times before I could gather up the courage and words to respond.
    #1 Your writing is amazing, gut-wrenching, and truthful.
    #2 I'm your #1 FAN Chelsea.
    #3 I'm forever sorry I put my children thru so much growing up.
    #4 You are the Amazing Mother I've always aspired to be. (I wonder always how much you gleemed from me)
    #5 I want to be a better Grandma than I ever was a mother.
    All my life I've played the blame game about my circumstances in this life. I've blamed my parents, my upbringing, my exes, my young abandoned single parenting, sudden deaths, even GOD very frequently. But never myself. I was too self-absorbed, wounded, & scarred so badly to look at myself. It wasn't until I began to pray HARD to GOD (and I mean HARD TOO); and then I heard him through my drunken suicidal tearfest stupers. I couldn't correct the past, but I learned I had a new best-friend in GOD. And HE places NO BLAME on me and my many sins. How fantastic is that!!! I find myself feeling bad that I haven't prayed enough lately. What --- Cindi? !?Sunday I watched you and Dustin parent Conrad so joined and connected to eachother and to Cnrads needs. What a true gift that is to have a life partner to parent with. Today,our family is truly blessed to have food abundantly, shelter and clothing from some of the best thrift stores, (and others), and foregiving hearts full of unconditional love for eachother. My darling daughter you and your family make me laugh, smile and feel so blessed to be alive.
    Your Forever Mother.

  5. P.S. Yesterday's picnic made Jim so Happy, and So relaxed. He (we) had such fun playing in the water, and eating popsicles & Cheetos on blankets with Conrad and our children. Thanks for a lovely day!!

  6. Mom, I was saying to Dustin yesterday when we were talking about our "Daddy hang ups...." that as a parent you just do the best that you can and hope that the good out weighs the bad in the end. I wasn't sure how you'd take this post, but I pray that It ministered to you and spoke to you, Encouraged you and I can assure you, as I wrote this last night, I was crying and praying. I felt like healing was happening, and it was good. God is good indeed.

    I don't want to project myself as something I'm not. I'm ok with who I am. Thanks Lar for interpreting my heart as I intended it, and thank you Cara for keeping me accountable. You're very sweet and I really appreciate that you brought your concern to me. I was JUST telling a friend that if she had beef with someone she should go tell them right away so that their friendship would't suffer for it.

    <3 Everyone should go give their mom a great big hug today.

  7. Chelsea...your writing is amazing! You have a gift for making the feeling come through in your words.

  8. i think i couldve written that same post to my mom. you should write greeting cards, really inappropriately deep, heart-wrenching, tear-jerking, greeting cards. love you.

  9. i love this. you are amazing. and i would totally be friends with you!