Thursday, November 5

Happy Birthday Jen

{This picture hangs in my living room. It is of my sisters and I.
The three of us as little girls in a photo booth. It reminds me of my childhood. It reminds me of our 3 story Barbie mansion made out of cardboard, wood and plexi glass our Dad made. (that Barbie house was so legit. We LOVED that thing!) It reminds me of backwards dives in swimming pools, of steeling tattoos out of boxes of soda at Albertsons, of scars on my knees from roller skating with my sisters, of making our barbies do it, and climbing trees. I cherish this photo.}

Today we sat and ate dinner, my Mom & sister, celebrating your birthday together. It's been five years since you've been gone and it's really hard to believe time could go by so quickly and yet, wounds still open, pain still lingers, missing you still happens, and loving you still exists. We have not forgotten you.

We ate and talked about whose couch you'd be sleeping on if you were alive, because you were such a gypsy and had a life of constant chaos and I'd like to think- a life full of adventure too.

We ate cannolies to celebrate your birthday but I'm sure, If you were still alive, would have opted for Dad's three layer cake from a box that he used to make {with all three of our names on it since we all had close birthdays....} It never tasted like cake from a box though.

We joked about you lacing the cannoli with weed, and being such a crazy ass- if you were alive, you would have been laughing too. But we can laugh, and remember how silly you were. How you did the best impressions of Jim Carey. We can laugh. We can still love you and cherish who you were to each of us. Even in your darkest days, you were still your Dad's baby girl, and you leaned on your big sisters for support. There are precious memories of the two of us that are burned into my brain where they will stay. Those sweet conversations with you, knowing who you were when all of the layers were pulled back, I can say I am proud to be your sister.

It was bitter sweet seeing Allison blow out your birthday candle, just like it was bitter sweet acknowledging that you would have been 24 today. Just like it was bitter sweet walking into a thrift store after you passed seeing a wedding dress knowing you'd never wear one-breaking down in a thrift store. A sister, mourning such a great loss-confronted with the future that would never be. Because you were gone. By your own hand, you said goodbye in such a way, for that, I fail to forgive. You are a heavy weight on us all. Because our love for you was so big.

We miss you terribly and think of you often.
Today, we celebrate you.

Jennifer Lynn Markus


  1. Your family has suffered such loss. I remeber getting the call from Medco that your mom needed me. I know that you and I werent that close at that time, But I loved your family like my own. Your mom is "my person". Just always remember that with out suffering there would be no compassion.I do know what its like to have those break-downs because someone important in your life made their own decision to take a "could be" memory away from you. I know its hard to forgive but try. We can not expect Jesus to forgive us for our sins if we can not forgive others. I know that back in 2002 when God brought your mom into my life that he was just working his way, I was meant to meet your family. I love you all just as if you were my own.

  2. Very well said. Like you always say it's good for the soul to get it all out.

  3. I think at this point, I've come to terms with the situation In terms of "forgiveness". The thing with suicide that is so tough is that people talk about how it is so selfish, and it is, but it was nothing that she intended to do to hurt those she loved. She was sick & hurting. I have compassion for her state of mind at the time, it's just a huge loss, and at times hard to wrap my mind around.

    Thanks for the comments girls.

    Thanks for being my mom's best friend, and Tracy thanks for being mine.

    I love you both.