We are increasingly more enamored by the miracle that you are. You alive in me has opened my eyes to how deep God's mercy goes. You, my son have drawn me even closer to my creator, the creator who is responsible for forming your ever growing hands, organs, brain and your long skinny legs. I pray that one day, you'll see your great need for a savior to rescue your soul from yourself and I ache for the pain, angst, turmoil, and the frustrations you will face as you go from boy to man. It's 11:37, well past my bed time, but here we are up again as your Dad sleeps in our room and I'm here with you in the office that will soon become your room, falling more in love as you squirm and move reminding me that you're alive. Reminding me that you're already such a huge part of who I am.
I day dream of standing in the middle of you and your Dad one day when you both tower over me and I can gaze up at your tall stature adoringly. My eyes burn from tears of joy, the highs and lows of being pregnant with you, the pressure, and hormones. I feel like a failure sometimes. I have good days and bad days, I guess it's to be expected with the changes in my life. It's really amazing to consider the future. I eagerly await the unknown, I smile in the face of what if's, I imagine the good, the bad, the beauty you will engulf me in and the pain to watch you grow up and figure stuff out, to not need me, to fall in love, to have someone hurt you or not want you. Life is hard, nothing is guaranteed to us, but in it, in the pain is great joy. I pray this for you that you can find joy in the heart aches of life. You're going to change our lives forever.
I wish you could know how excited and proud your Dad is to welcome you into our lives. When we're lying in bed, he puts is hand on my stomach and talks to you. You always seem to respond to his voice which makes your Dad think that you love him more than you love me when you kick for him and not for me. He says that you obviously love Mama more though because I sustain your life, and I think to myself often, "No God sustains your life. God is responsible for our baby boys health, Conrad belongs to God and how fortunate we are to be chosen to care for you while you're on this earth with us!"
Back when your Dad and I started dating, when he was 18 and I was 19 (Us on one of our first dates in 2004 pictured to the right) Two happy kids we were, totally unaware of what life was going to have in store for us. I knew that he was made to be a Daddy and a husband. He has always talked about raising a child. He talks about holding you, kissing you, teaching you... I know he is going to give you everything you will need mentally, spiritually and emotionally to navigate through this world. You will not be alone. His desire to love you, teach you and protect you is so strong and evident. You name is on his lips daily.
It's late. I love you buddy.